Dundee 1-2 Celtic – Time for Those Unmissable Definitive Ratings | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ BEANOTOWN

Unbowed. Unbroken – The Celtic support at Dens Park. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

“Celtic are not here. Celtic has risen.” – Mark 16:6

Celtic supporters at Dens Park. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

Viljami Sinisalo celebrates. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

VINDALOO – 6.5/10 – Contrary to recent away matches, little to do really. No chance with the pen, but thought he kept his head – and feet – well with the tedious number of times we chose to play in his direction. Safe hands just when we needed them.

Colby Donovan has a shot at goal. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

MELLOW YELLOW – 6.5/10 – The kid was pretty decent considering he was up against their biggest threat. Easy to be run ragged by power and pace but he showed he was up for the challenge. Got to be considered sheer bad luck at the penalty award; seconds earlier his hands were clasped behind his back.

Kieran Tierney at Dens Park. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

KATIE – 5.5/10 – Expected a lot from KT in a driving, motivational sense but after a strong first 45 he faded poorly through the second. Rest him, Scratchy’s more than a decent replacement.

Liam Scales at Dens Park. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

OF JUSTICE – 6.5/10 – Desperately unlucky not to be going to the World Cup after both his countries failed in penalty shoot-outs; the Italians most surprisingly. Liam got over the crushing disappointment only to be given a bit of a battering by their ‘robust’ forwards. But in the end his cool perseverance DID win out, and the haters get to seethe some more…

Auston Trusty at Dens Park. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 7/10 – Appeared quiet but, contrarily, that was because his focus was on keeping their disfigured ginger berserker quiet. And apart from the equaliser which he was powerless to influence, Auston put in a solid, stoic display, winning crucial headers deep in our box.

Callum McGregor and Mark Fotheringham at Dens Park ahead of kick-off. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

Callum McGregor at Dens Park. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

CALMAC – 6.5/10 – Go forward, Calmac! Go fooooorwaaard…. And for a stimulating opening half he did and we got a dominating Calmac of old. Then, as the legs and presence around him disappeared from sight, the skipper really had no option but to contain, and try to maintain possession.

Yang and Nygren celebrate Celtic’s opener. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

NYLON – 5.5/10 – Ghost in the machine. He’ll play at the World Cup Finals in the summer and earn us near a million bucks doing so and we’ll still be scratching our heids and wondering wtf? As with today – here, there and nowhere; almost stealing a goal, almost sealing a win and saving nerve-endings with a late free-kick but still bamboozling with his inconsistent inconsistency.

Alex Oxlade Chamberlain at Dens Park. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

NEVILLE – 6.5/10 – Thought the Ox looked great first-half when we got him on the ball, until his legs went and he got the hook. Still adds a sweet bit of class that can unlock defences and win titles, but isn’t ever going to manage 90 minutes in the Hoops.

Daizen Maeda at Dens Park. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6/10 – Troublesome kamikaze intensity all first 45, almost notching a couple of overdue goals, then maybe international exploits got to him and the one-man Daizen press dissipated.

Tomas Cvancara misses a chance to score. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

CARAVAN – 5/10 – The first one-on-one off the post has to be labelled hard lines and curse the universe. The second, though, an absolute  crime. Add a few snatched good chances around them and he should have been walking off with the match ball and my Easter Sunday should have been submerged in Guinness long before the nation’s Zombies had slit the Easter Bunny’s neck and served up goblets of its blood to their feral weans at dinner time, the urine gargling heathens.

Yang scores. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

YING – 6/10 – Hit and miss, just like his crossing. But he did play a part in the vital win with a toe to score his ninth of this tortuous season, and delivered his usual all-action input.

SUBS –

Kelechi Iheanacho scores the winner. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

Kelechi Iheanacho celebrates. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

ITCHYCOO PARK – 7.5/10 MOTM – THAT’S IT! One chance, one touch, and BAM! There’s yer Easter eggs ya Zombies, choke on the shells. Not just that goal, but if you saw him on the side, fully invested in the team’s efforts you realise THAT’S the attitude we need to take this title; hunger, desire, will to win. The difference-maker with a huge match-winning contribution that may be significant. Others, take note.

James Forrest attempts a shot. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

JAMESY – 6.5/10 – On he came with hope that he’d repeat the sort of Easter miracle he’d managed two seasons ago to save the Snake’s neck. And the zip and attacking intent was refreshing and up-lifting.

Marcelo Saracchi at Dens Park. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

SCRATCHY – 6/10 – Why we don’t see him often enough should no longer be a question. He’s made for this run-in, adding forward-thinking, all-action and bite. Got stuck in today, eager to contribute and did so with a fine cross for the winner. More, please.

Anthony Ralston at dens Park ahead of kick-off. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

TONY THE TIGER – N/A – The Brickie. On to crack skulls, save the jerseys and give the online virgins more to greet about.

Luke McCowan at Dens Park.Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – N/A – Sort of faffed around and Luked dangerous and inept both at the same time.

Martin O’Neill at Dens Park. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE – 7/10 – Bold starting eleven. Is Azteco gone for good? Or is the Spiderman movie promotional tour winding down in time for his return? If MON has canned him on trivial disciplinary issues that’s a strategy which could kill us… One thing we need more of in this side is character, even if it’s slightly unhinged. My reckoning is that at this time of the season a ‘loose canon’ in the squad isn’t a liability at this, it’s a useful wild card.

Tomas Cvancara misses a chance to score. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

Anyway, even throwing the lanky Czech back in sort of produced a result and the ‘resting’ of Reo and Tutankhamun might prove fruitful as our participation in the cup means squeezed games thereafter. Yet again, though, 90-minute consistency remained out of reach.

Referee Steven McLean at Dens Park. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

MIBBERY – 5/10 – Ooft, close one. With Tory Zombie placeman Douglas ‘Felcher’ Ross on the line and Stevie ‘Our Kid was a bona fide Bear” Mclean on the whistle it looked a tough gig. With that heaven-sent pen award for them, the ludge goats were being wrapped in Easter ribbons, only for Kelechie to burst the bubble and Dundee defender and 80s chanter Rick Astley to ruin the MIBs Satanic Holiday weekend. ‘Never gonna mess us up…’

Yang celebrates. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

OVERALL – 7/10 – Only Jamesy gets blown in Dundee, not Celtic titles – them’s the rules. Unless you’re Hearts, snigger…But after the Tannadice debacle we came close to a devastating double at the home of the most culturally poverty-stricken Dundee club, who can’t even afford their own songs and pepper you with regurgitated Zombie anthems for the duration. ‘Cultural appropriation’the woke left call it; ‘runts’ is my preferred shorthand spelling mistake. But even though we’re 30-odd goals lighter than last  season, and that was no classic – a statistic to fire anyone involved in recruitment with – we still came up with two that finally sealed the precious points.

Tomas Cvancara at Dens Park ahead of kick-off. Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

Big Caravan’s post-bumping miss at 1-0 was the perfect metaphor to encapsulate the season entire – failure to bury the dead. The first-half performance was great, the second 45 entirely and depressingly predictable: a spineless near-capitulation, bullied and sometimes overrun by enthusiastic jobbers. We’re too nice. We need to get ruthless and gallus again…

Dundee v Celtic. Sunday 5 April 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

But thankfully a repetition of tradition pulls this squad through – Celtic play to the death, as many know too well. And to the death this anomaly in the matrix of a campaign will go. Making a title win one of the most schadenfreude-laden of the century. The ball’s in our court now, regardless of the hype and media spin – win on Saturday and let the pressure build on the footballing equivalents of the seven deadly sins. It may have been the unlikely Celtic resurrection we witnessed today.

No, steady Jamesy…

Go Away Now

Sandman

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