Bruno Fernandes is inevitable future Man Utd DNA manager… | OneFootball

Which Premier League players will inevitably become managers? Pointers like Jordan Henderson and Virgil van Dijk are no-brainers.

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Managers of the future The only way to get through an absurdly long international break is by the making of spurious lists. Here’s one per Premier League club of current players who will become managers. Based purely on vibes.

Arsenal – Mikel Merino. He’s a Spanish midfielder called Mikel. No need to overthink things.

Aston Villa – John McGinn. You don’t get to be that good for that long with that physique without having it all going on upstairs.

Bournemouth – There’s something about Marcus Tavernier that says ‘clever’ to me every time I watch him play. Which is rarely.

Brentford – Erm, Callum Wilson? Spends a lot of time injured so should have few problems adjusting to life in the dugout.

Brighton – In Brighton’s brave new young manager world all their current players will be too old to manage once they’ve finished playing. Has to be the ballboy so.

Chelsea – It’s got to be Jordan Henderson hasn’t it? There’s a reason he was brought to Mexico and Chelsea by managers that have no inclination to actually play him.

Coventry – In the absence of actually knowing anything about their players I’m going to go for Victor Torp. Purely because it sounds like a name straight out of Football Manager Central Casting.

Crystal Palace – Going for Mateta here purely because his loping stride and bald head remind me of Patrick Vieira

Everton – I should have done this last season before Seamus Coleman retired.

Fulham – Teams should be able to Count on Calvin Bassey.

Hull – Oli McBurnie to channel his inner Gordon Strachan.

Ipswich – Sorry. At a total loss here. Throw a dart at a board and hit…Jaden Philogene. Which is actually short for Philosophy Gene. A deep thinker that will one day revolutionise football.

Leeds – Sean Longstaff in the efficient but uninspiring mould of a Gareth Southgate or, dare I say, Michael Carrick?

Liverpool – Virgil van Dijk seems to have taken over the Henderson pointer and shouter in chief role with aplomb. Plus he’s Dutch. They do tactics good.

Man City – Tough one. Would’ve gone for Rodri or Bernardo Silva but … hey ho. Maybe all the City players have been so intensely controlled and programmed for Pepball that they’re unable to think for themselves. Oh go on, Kovacic so. He’s played under Rafa, Zidane, Tuchel, Guardiola (and Lampard!) so he’s either a fountain of knowledge or really confused.

Man Utd – Could totally see Lissandro Martinez managing a defensively sound team of hard b**tards with a sprinkling of flair in the best tradition of Diego Simeone. Although I could easily see Bruno Fernandes appointed as caretaker manager sometime around midseason 2037, vibing his way into a full time appointment and getting sacked 4 months later.

Newcastle – Fabian Schar to become a Swiss Steve Bruce and littlest hobo his way around the continent.

Notts Forest – Chris Wood. Seems determined to continue footballing as long as is humanly possible. Manager so. When he hangs up his boots in fifteen years time.

Sunderland – Granit Xhaka obviously. Quite possibly already manages them on the QT.

Spurs – Does anybody at Spurs take football seriously enough to become a manager? Ok, Archie Gray. Footballer whose footballer Dad became a coach and footballer uncle became a manager (and a legend). The football is in his veins. Conor Malone, Donegal

Making a case to give up on Spurs For at least four months I was absolutely certain that I wasn’t going to renew my season ticket at Spurs. I folded at the last minute giddy on the RDZ staying-up vibes.

It obviously wasn’t long before I realised this was a dreadful decision. So I wondered if I might ask a favor. If I write to you every month, September – May, with a new reason not to renew again in May 2027, could you do something with the letters? You’ll have nine months’ worth of proof that you can serve back up to me. It’ll be everything a pregnancy shouldn’t be – moribund, morose and maudlin. Or maybe you could print all the letters in one hit. What do you reckon? Deal? Good. Let’s go…

September. Reason number 1 – Johan Lange and Vinai Venkatesham

What’s worse? Coming up with the idea of replacing Vuskovic with Van Hecke or standing by and letting it happen, when it’s your job to look after the club’s future. I’d argue the latter actually. RDZ is blinkered by his yet to be realised vision. At least he’s got one. Lange and Venkatehsam don’t. They’ve given DZ the keys. So what’s the point of them? They’ve abdicated responsibility after last season’s mess…and somehow gotten away with it. Their idea of a transfer strategy is Tonali being signed ‘cos he’s from the same village as RDZ. This is not Arsenal’s data led, timely, well considered pursuit of Rice. Mudryk…my word.

Where are the Lewis family whilst this is going on? They like money. It’s being wasted guys. Lots of it. They’ve handed control to two chaps who have handed control to a manager who hasn’t got the CV to justify his current control. Levy couldn’t have gone on forever, and he left a dreadful succession plan behind him…but I miss him. So many flaws but he knew how to lead that place. Those two are stealing a living.

So there we have it – Johan and Vinai give us reason number 1. Spoiler alert – October’s edition is going to be about 27 non-football related events at the football club.

Thanks, Andrew, Woodford Green

Give the Liverpool ‘kids’ time It is so, so, so tiring, this, if players haven’t done anything over their first five games, then they are deemed a failure.

Some guy this morning doubting Barcola already, he’s played like four games? He’s getting a pre-season while playing in new league under a new manager still building his team’s identity, while also repairing the true malaise installed by Slot (with not enough resources, it should be noted).

Planes being built in the air all over the place.

And Wirtz, oh my, give the kid a break — yeah, he’s a relative kid still remember? And Carragher, give the kid a break. I saw a Tweet about his and Odegaard’s stats after the same number of games (55, I think), stats in which Wirtz has out scored the latter (assists, goals, chances created, etc.).

Yet here we are. He creates chances, if they ain’t scored, is that his fault? His confidence now looks shot, hard to repair that is. And it is shot from the constant barrage of abuse.

Also, he played in a truly dysfunctional side for most of those 50 games — a new signing in a side where most of that squad lost a teammate and mate. Robbo’s comments summed that up, he felt sorry for new signings as the ‘old boys didn’t even want to play football’ for most of the season after Jota’s death. Hardly going to help you settle, is it?

These Liverpool ‘fans’ constantly berating him, think that’s going to help him? If you support the club, why do something that is ultimately going to harm his and our progression.

Three loooooong weeks break now then, when all the ‘pundits’ with their dull, monotonous little podcasts will just continue to tear him apart, it’s just awful. What has football become with this utter deluge of platforms for fans, and moreover ex-players, to ‘steal a living’ for criticising young kids trying play football.

Let’s not forget, they don’t choose their ‘price-tags’ either. Maybe it won’t work out for him, but it seems so many people just want to fast track that failure. As I say, it is so, so tiring… Pablo

Do not go with the Flo Flo is an absolutely God awful nickname for Wirtz, his real name isn’t even hard to type or pronounce! Get it in the bin.

Also, in response to Dale (I think), I’m happy enough to accept poor results if Carrick is truly developing us. I’m not convinced he is, but unless we get in serious relegation trouble he needs to be given the full season. Jack (Hate the idea of sacking managers given I was 25 by the time SAF left) Manchester

Man Utd and the doom cycle United seem to be in a never-ending cycle.

Appoint new manager after last manager failed to secure European football.

New manager is hailed after landing Champions League football.

Manager sacked with club way off European football.

Rinse and repeat.

I actually think Carrick is a pretty good manager.

But my question is to my fellow North Londoners over on the other side of the Seven Sisters Road.

Carrick > Arteta and Klopp Carrick, in his first 22 league games, has won more points than Klopp at Liverpool or Arteta at Arsenal.

They do look dreadful but he’s probably earned the right to put things right. Minty, LFC

Kit corner I used to love the fact that Barca’s top had no sponsor to ruin it. Is it Sunderland’s that is ‘clean’ this season?

Brighton 125th anniversary Brentford Bournemouth Sunderland Hull City

Are my top five kits Both Liverpool’s and United are pants! Rayo Vallecano’s the best in La Liga. Peter, Andalucia

…Unless it’s was tucked away somewhere in the dark recesses of F365Towers, I haven’t seen a single mention of the one thing that outshined Brighton’s performance.

How good was that 125th anniversary shirt? The solid deep blue colour, that collar, the reliefs stitched in, shades of the Italian shirt 1994… it was a thing of absolute beauty. Mike D

The best thunderb***ards Gaptoothfreak got me thinking about some of my favourite thunderb***ards, and for Villa there’s the John McGinn one against Sheffield Wednesday that always brings a smile to my face. My favourites in particular are the subset of thunderb***ards when your initial reaction to seeing the player line up the shot is “what the fuck are you shooting from there for”. Then it flies in and you feel a bit silly. Highlights of those are Joe Cole for England against Sweden, Vincent Kompany for Man City against Leicester, and most of Jhon Duran’s goals for Villa, but in particular the one against Everton. Oli Roberts

Don’t forget the chip @gaptoothfreak, the chip is the best of all goals.

For it to be the very best version you need to have a combination of the following:

1) A match situation in which even attempting to do such a thing is ridiculous.

2) A slow, agonising arc during which the crowd starts to hold its breath.

3) Defenders and keeper backpedalling frantically… hope vying with horror on their faces.

4) Defenders/keeper launching themselves in vain to stop the inexorable trajectory of the ball (bonus points if they get tangled up with themselves in doing so).

5) The culmination of the (woooaaah) noise that involuntarily comes from the crowd, increasing in volume the moment before the ball actually lands in the net.