Liverpool and Man Utd boosted as Tottenham players reassigned after relegation | OneFootball

A comprehensive defeat to Arsenal in the North London derby leaves Tottenham four points clear of the relegation zone with what looks like 11 entirely losable games left to play. The Championship is calling if not bellowing just yet. Here are the five games that could condemn them.

In preparation we’ve done the great guys at ENIC the solid of reassigning all of their players should catastrophe strike.

Guglielmo Vicario (Leeds)

The home of suspect goalkeepers.

Antonin Kinsky (West Ham)

The home of alright goalkeepers.

Brandon Austin (FC Dallas)

Can’t be too on the nose.

Micky van de Ven (Liverpool)

Sometimes the most obvious choice is also the best and a Daniel Levy-less Tottenham are unlikely to be holding out for £100m bids in the Championship.

Cristian Romero (Atletico Madrid)

The only club anyone would pick on the basis of Romero having more than a couple of loose screws and Diego Simeone spending most of his coaching career recovering the fastenings perpetually falling from his madcap bonce from the floor.

Radu Dragusin (wherever Jose Mourinho happens to be)

More than half the battle in playing for Jose Mourinho these days, aside from being a mouth-covering coward, is looking like a player who might play for Jose Mourinho.

Kevin Danso (Brentford)

A long throw signing after Michael Kayode gets poached by a bigger boy.

Ben Davies (Wrexham)

Welsh.

Destiny Udogie (Juventus)

Italian.

Djed Spence (Burnley)

The man dubbed “England’s best one-v-one defender” in September by Rio Ferdinand, who wondered “is he Kyle Walker’s long-term replacement”. Yes, yes he is.

Souza (Santos)

Praying there’s some sort of break clause on his January transfer.

Pedro Porro (Manchester United)

A renowned proponent of arm-flailing bids for crowd reaction for winning a corner and would dovetail beautifully with Diogo Dalot in that regard.

Rodrigo Bentancur (Marseille)

A Spurs player through and through in that he always looks quite good but will go through multiple games without anyone being able to pin down what he’s actually done.

And no, we can’t really explain Marseille. He’s got the vibe, whatever that is.

Yves Bissouma (Galatasaray)

“Like Moises Caicedo” when he tackled Leandro Trossard, according to Gary Neville. High praise indeed though only in one action against comfortably Arsenal’s worst player. It tends to be Turkey or Saudi Arabia for older Premier League players no longer at the level required and Galatasaray have been keen for a while.

Lucas Bergvall (Manchester United)

Not a like-for-like replacement for Bruno Fernandes as no-one would be but everyone seems fairly convinced Bergvall is a generational talent and he may see a Fernandes-less Manchester United as an excellent landing spot to a) play at the highest level, and b) actually be playing at that highest level.

He might want to work on some aspects of his game first; our friends at Gradient Sports have a graph that suggests he is no replacement for Fernandes…

Lucas Bergvall grades thanks to Gradient Sports

Archie Gray (Bournemouth)

They like’em young, like a disgraced former member of the royal… no, we can’t.

Conor Gallagher (Crystal Palace)

Chelsea will have got precisely what they wanted from their double-agent before backtracking on their promise to bring Gallagher home once he completed his circuitous mission to get Tottenham relegated. He was very, very good at Selhurst Park.

Pape Matar Sarr (Sunderland)

Possibly a short stop in the north east before moving on to bigger and better things as we have a strong suspicion that Spurs are doing an excellent job of hiding just how good at football Sarr is.

Xavi Simons (Chelsea)

There’s not a huge call for lightweight playmakers who flatter to deceive and are a scourge to their team off the ball in the Premier League, but Chelsea wanted him in the summer and can’t help but buy young, mercurial forwards who need fixing. See Joao Felix and Alejandro Garnacho.

Dejan Kulusevski (Manchester City)

“Everything,” Pep Guardiola once said when asked what he likes about Kulusevski. Tottenham would not be getting relegated if he had been fit this season.

James Maddison (Aston Villa)

Tottenham may not be getting relegated if Maddison had been fit, but he might not even be at Tottenham without the Leicester drop blot on his copybook.

A classic Premier League experience signing by Unai Emery before he’s poached by a club with a chequebook to match his managerial quality and Maddison is plunged straight back into another relegation battle.

Wilson Odobert (Chelsea)

Will they send him immediately on loan to Strasbourg? Yep. Will he ever play for Chelsea? Probably not. Do they care? Nope. Will they flip him for a tidy profit? Almost certainly.

Mohammed Kudus (Liverpool)

His agent supposedly told Liverpool that Kudus was willing to reduce his wage demands to get his move to Anfield amid interest from Tottenham last summer. “He’ll take anything, please, for the love of God,” he probably said.

Dominic Solanke (Coventry City)

Made his one and only Chelsea appearance just after Frank Lampard left Stamford Bridge for New York City but will no doubt have trained on a number of occasions with the Blues legend, who looks likely to be coveting Premier League goals and experience in the top flight next season.

Mathys Tel (Chelsea)

What an appalling transfer for everyone involved. Bayern Munich were haggled down from the £45m option in the loan agreement to a £30m fee. Tel moved from one of the biggest clubs in Europe to Tottenham, failed to make their initial Champions League squad and is barely playing for them now. Tottenham now have a fourth-choice striker they will have to play in order to shift for anything close to what they paid for him.

Enter Chelsea.