Man City players reassigned after cheating: Haaland sent to Everton as Liverpool land long-time target | OneFootball

The only fair punishment for Manchester City is to have literally all their first-team players reassigned; Erling Haaland is off to Everton.

It’s harsh, considering the only thing Manchester City are actually guilty of is challenging the cartel. But those ill-gotten players simply must be redistributed. And here’s how…

Gianluigi Donnarumma – Chelsea A two-time Yashin Trophy winner cannot possibly fail to improve the Blues’ defensive record.

Geronimo Rulli – Southampton From 1986 loanee Eric Nixon to Angus Gunn, then Willy Caballero – alright, he was at Chelsea in between – and Gavin Bazunu, Southampton do have a thing for signing Manchester City keepers.

Marcus Bettinelli – Chesterfield The last team Bettinelli played a professional game against – for Thomas Tuchel’s Chelsea in January 2022 – and thus the club most likely to still have any sort of scouting dossier on him.

Rayan Ait-Nouri – Nottingham Forest If only for the potential for Forest to field a left flank of the Algerian behind Callum Hudson-Odoi in an acronym-based near-tribute to Jadon Sancho.

Kaden Braithwaite – Everton If only for the potential for Everton to field a centre-half partnership the surnames of the members of which would never be typed correctly on the first go.

Ruben Dias – River Plate He can go out the same way he came in: as the larger component of a part-exchange deal with Nicolas Otamendi, who will return to the Etihad for some National League minutes at 38.

Marc Guehi – Liverpool Obviously after a) Newcastle put in the groundwork before being hijacked, and b) Guehi finally releases the statement he has been withholding for 12 months.

Josko Gvardiol – Leeds They saw him first.

Abdukodir Khusanov – Arsenal A Manchester City centre-half who can play at right-back and whose last match for his previous club culminated in a penalty shoot-out defeat to Paris Saint-Germain? Where does he sign?

Rico Lewis – Bournemouth It just feels like an intrinsically Bournemouth – admittedly Eddie Howe era – name. You can’t argue with science.

Matheus Nunes – Liverpool They need a right-back, so who better than one Pep Guardiola believes to be capable of “becoming one of the best in the world”?

Vitor Reis – New York City FC It’s that, Girona, Troyes or Melbourne City.

Elliot Anderson – Manchester United There can be no greater punishment for that unforgivable Kings of Manchester comment.

Ayyoub Bouaddi – Brighton or Brentford No doubt a decent player, but also a teenager studying remotely for a university degree in mathematics. So data-driven number-crunchers Tony Bloom and Matthew Benham can, not for the first time, fight it out between themselves.

Rayan Cherki – Crystal Palace The Eagles landed a bid at Lyon’s door for Cherki a couple of years ago, but he “didn’t see himself in England”. It should be easier to envisage now, and Palace are pretty much European qualification mainstays.

Enzo Fernandez – Coventry Might as well learn how to be Frank Lampard directly from the man himself.

Phil Foden – Chelsea That Chelsea squad really is looking a little light on precociously talented attacking options who can fill in as but categorically are not strikers.

Mateo Kovacic – AC Milan Luka Modric is there.

Nico O’Reilly – Nottingham Forest Mr. Marinakis loves dangling pure profit for a bargain academy product under the noses of Red Cartel victims.

Floyd Samba – Blackburn Not sure who these iconic Barclaysmen think they are, planting their nepo babies in elite academies. Christopher’s son has already made quite the impression at the Etihad but his father’s footsteps must be followed. Maybe not all the way to Makhachkala.

Allan – Fulham The chance to field an attack of Allan, Kevin and Bobb should not be passed up.

Jeremy Doku – Aston Villa The training sessions against Aaron Wan-Bissaka would be biblical.

Erling Haaland – Everton David Moyes will already have the Marko Arnautovic, Michail Antonio and Victor Anichebe tapes ready.

Ryan McAidoo – Hull Seven Mcs have played in the Premier League this season, and only Hull have been brave enough to employ more than one of them so far.

Iliman Ndiaye – Spurs Can’t get away that easily, fella.