‘Man Utd nonsense’ abounds as Carlos Baleba ‘suffers immediate blow’ | OneFootball

‘More Man United nonsense emerges’ from across the Reach universe today as Carlos Baleba suffers an ‘immediate blow’.

We also have Bruno Fernandes and United being so massive that Newcastle simply have to sell them Lewis Hall.

Blow job for Baleba Just as we were thinking there has been nowhere near enough ‘dream squad number’ nonsense this summer, we saw this in the Express…

…and instinctively knew the ‘immediate Man Utd blow’ would be something exactly this ridiculous.

And yes, it turns out that Baleba ‘will be forced to select a new squad number in an immediate blow’ because the No. 17 he wore at Brighton has already been taken by Andrey Santos.

We imagine this will give Baleba considerable pause for thought as he considers swapping Brighton for actual Manchester United, where his wages are likely to increase at least five-fold.

The Express article neglects to tell us that Baleba actually chose the 17 shirt at Brighton as a tribute to his mother, so we imagine he might actually be slightly sad that he will need to change – probably back to the 20 he wore for two previous years at Brighton.

But an ‘immediate blow’? Behave.

We need to talk about Bruno At the end of a week in which Bruno Fernandes has been strongly linked with a move to Galatasaray and new contract offer at Manchester United, the Manchester Evening News know exactly what they’re doing with this cheeky piece of business:

He could leave?! He could refuse to sign a new contract?! He could be sold by weird Mailbox writers?!

No, no and no. But what could happen is that he – *checks notes* – has a slow start to the season, just as he did last year when he was playing in an entirely different position as part of an entirely different formation under an entirely different manager.

The ‘fear’ of history repeating itself ‘might become reality’. It also very much might not – Mediawatch suspects his form under Michael Carrick as a No. 10 within a 4-2-3-1 might be a better indicator of his worth to Manchester United – but the important thing here in terms of the MEN’s page view targets is that it ‘might’.

Steven Railston begins by pointing out that half of all Fantasy League managers have included Fernandes in their teams and then writes ominously:

Those who think Fernandes is guaranteed to make a hot start to the new season may be mistaken, though.

We’re not entirely certain if anybody thinks Fernandes is guaranteed to make a hot start to the new season, or indeed if anybody has ever before written ‘make a hot start to the season’.

‘It’s almost blasphemous to suggest Fernandes might not be at his best at the start of the season,’ he continues and you absolutely know his heart is not in this. It’s alright fella, the season starts on Saturday and we can all stop writing absolute sh*te.

Then comes the big question…

We’ll stop you there, Steven. You said it yourself.

This is Manchester United Football Club, we’re talking about Elsewhere on the Manchester Evening News – if we ignore the ‘Man United transfer news LIVE: Carlos Baleba bombshell, Gavi decision, Rafael Leao update’ word salad – is this headline containing a little thing that he used to call ‘quote marks’.

A quick Control F tells us that nowhere in the piece is the quote ‘decided’ used apart from in that headline; Mediawatch’s spidey senses are tingling.

It turns out that United’s next transfer has been ‘decided’ by Kasra Moradi, who ‘specialises in covering Arsenal with exclusive features and opinion pieces, and is fan of the NBA, F1 and boxing’. All of which absolutely qualifies him to ‘decide’ who Manchester United should sign next.

He’s right that United should target a left-back but we’re not sure that justifies quote marks to fool us all into thinking that something has actually been ‘decided’ by somebody other than a London-based Arsenal writer who loves a brum-brum.

Moradi reports that Newcastle have briefed that Lewis Hall is ‘untouchable’ but then writes that ‘a club of United’s size should not give any credence to such comments’. Which is marvellous. Are you sure he’s not a Manc?

‘If United come in with a big offer, and the player himself angles for a move, Hall may realistically be signed,’ he continues. Yes, but despite United’s ‘size’, they have not made what constitutes a ‘big offer’ for any player. Grow up.

True. But absolutely not how it works. Hall has rather more influence than Kasra Moradi over this potential transfer, but we suspect that Uniteds Newcastle and Manchester have rather a lot more.