Premier League has collection of hilariously chaotic pantomime clubs | OneFootball

The Premier League is in peak chaos times, with Manchester United and Tottenham a mess. And then there’s Liverpool.

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Best Premier League season ever? Two genuine title contenders rather than having to pretend 5 teams could win it. Frank getting Lamped every week and the other 17 teams a hilariously chaotic clusterf*** of largely overrated/overpaid yet highly entertaining 100% box office craziness. Apart from the top 2 and bottom 1, it’s like watching every pantomime show in the country back to back while alternating between doses of LSD, crack and crystal meth. Ben Teacher

Carrick can’t even change his clothes Fans needn’t look much further than Michael Carrick’s inability to change his outfit to know that, tactically, he is hardly a man for radical thinking.

With 60 minutes on the clock against ten-man-City, is it really too much to ask for the safe navy-blue ensemble to be ripped off, revealing a This is Spinal Tap tank top underneath and signalling that the heavy-metal onslaught is about to begin?

Alas, we have Matheus Cunha making his fourth consecutive Premier League start as a central forward, with precisely zero Premier League goals to his name so far. He does have one goal to his name, though: in the UCL, courtesy of a start on the left.

Carrick remaining in charge aligns rather neatly with Sir Jim’s ambition for spending. But we needn’t look beyond Carrick’s refusal to change his outfit to know exactly what United’s tactical wardrobe is likely to look like this season: safe, sensible and unlikely to change. Chris ‘Howe could we possibly change?’ MUFC

More Manchester derby thoughts Will Ford thinks he’s identified an interesting anomaly. I’m not sure he has. The reason violent actions committed from a lying down position are more harshly treated is because the only part of your anatomy you can feasibly use in that scenario is your foot. That probably means kicking someone, which is obviously worse than the sort of playground push you might indulge in if you’re standing up.

Ironically, though, Foden did not kick Fernandes. Which brings me to my second point. Isn’t it about time we started booking players for over-reacting to minimal contact? If you get a yellow for diving in the box why should you not get one for collapsing like JFK when someone has literally brushed your midriff with the side of their shin?

Someone made a good point about why VAR officials need be qualified on-field referees. It really just needs an understanding of the rules. Why not therefore engage a top law firm to do this role?

Although, I would suggest some experience of playing the game might also come in handy. Anyone who’s put in a shift between the sticks will know the real reason Fernandez is interfering with play is less to do with Martinez and more to do with Lammens. Lammens is clearly alive to the danger that Fernandez might get his head on it. He therefore needs to wait until the ball has gone past Fernandez before he can then address the danger from Haaland. That split second delay prevents him from getting across, narrowing the angle and possibly blocking the shot. This point seems to be entirely missing from the discussion. Matt Pitt

How do you solve a problem like Bruno? There is a very simple solution to resolve the issue of diving/faking injury a la Bruno Fernandes.

At the end of each game, whatever channel is showing the match will have a 5 minute segment. This segment will be called “pathetic men of the premier league”. In this segment, we will get close up replays of grown men (elite athletes infact), screaming and crying like toddlers in order to gain a slight or sometime significant advantage in the game. This segment will be viewed by players and their wives and children, as well as fans and people with a general interest in seeing pathetic men behave in embarrassing ways.

The show will also include the pathetic responses from managers justifying their pathetic players pathetic behaviour. The segment will also show highlights of said managers complaining about the exact same behaviour when an opposing team behaves in such a manner.

Each week, there will be a “pathetic man of the week” award for the most pathetic man. The award will be discussed in pre and post match press conferences.

Andy Gray and Richard Keyes can present. They would love it. Graeme Souness can do a guest spot. The Benny Hill theme tune can play in the background.

Note : This segment should not include players who are sneakily trying to get someone sent off… the ones who get up straight away after a red card is issued and give a little cheeky wink to the opposition. These players are good banter and add character to the league. Shz

On Bruno, Manchester United and VAR Long time since writing in but I wanted to collect my thoughts here.

Shunt LFC writes in about taking one for the team and “doing Bruno.” I thought that very same thing. Take a 3-10 match suspension and put that odious little rat into row ZZ. I used to think that El Hadji Diouf was the most unlikeable player to ever grace the Premier League but it’s fair to say that Bruno Fernandes has easily taken that mantle. He may be a good player, but I don’t care how good you are, there’s no excuse for him acting the way he does on a football pitch. None.

Secondly, watching United supporters complain about Maitland-Niles having the time to hit a worldy was just music to my ears. First, time added on is the minimum (which they failed to remember) and there was a substitution which certainly added time on (which they failed to see.) BUT, even if all of that wasn’t true, seeing United done over by Fergie Time and then complaining about it has to be one of the most glorious things on social media this past week.

Lastly, for all of the United supporters upset about the VAR debacle. Let me just say one thing. “Welcome to the party pal !!” Yes, United fans finally get a taste what has been getting doled out to my Everton consistently for the past several years. Had United supporters been out there complaining about the travesty that is VAR when it happened to us or other clubs, I might have some sympathy. But all I heard was “Well that’s the way it goes” or “These things even themselves out” or “Deal with it.” So, excuse me when I let United supporters know that these things even themselves out (Newsflash…they don’t.)

They can deal with it like the rest of us have had to deal with it. Personally, I’ve felt either VAR needs to be binned, or the officials need to be retrained on what is “clear and obvious” rather than drawing lines on a screen. But VAR cannot continue they way it’s currently run. Everyone agrees with that/

Even United supporters. TX Bill (what could go wrong with a squad of 19 outfield players?) EFC

Choosing between your head and your team Here’s my nomination for the worst new rule in football (and there are a few contenders)

When a fouled player has to choose between his head and his team’s momentum.

I was at the Bournemouth game, Adam Smith gets shoved, foul. As he goes down someone lands on his head, but suddenly he’s the one banished to the sideline for a whole minute.

I could see the ref in front of me give Smith his options as he lay blood pouring from his ear. Get treated, and you must leave the field for a whole minute. Get up yourself, and you don’t have to go off.

Treat the injured? Punished. Stay on? Risk your brain.

Brilliant. If we’re serious about injuries, the rule shouldn’t penalise the victim. Let the game protect players, not punish them. Appreciate the rule is there to stop timewasting but if they’re actually fouled badly, they shouldn’t get penalised. Utterly ridiculous and only a matter of time before a big goal is scored during this 1 minute period, causing chaos.

Thanks, Jon

There are still some staunchly pro-VAR types Once again, the ProRef / PGMOL / ex-headmasters and coppers running refereeing and VAR in the Prem have become the centre of attention.

Enzo was playing at the ball. Obviously. End of.

Personally, I’m very pro VAR. But not with these Muppets running it. Bit harsh on some of the more capable Muppets perhaps.

Comments like this from supposed professional journo’s though:

“Here, we think, comes an example of the fundamental flaw of VAR. One that will never and can never be resolved. The foundational lie upon which the entire VAR edifice is built: that every decision has an objective right answer and a wrong answer.” from 16 Conclusions don’t help.

In fact, the only lie in there about VAR is the author’s own. VAR has never, ever made that claim. Nor has it claimed that it will lead to every decision being made correctly.

There is an article on the Prem’s own site from 2019 where Mike Riley before it was brought in stated:

“…Those mistakes have had an impact on the outcome.Immediately people can see things on TV, on their phones, and know mistakes have been made. So if you have that power of technology, why not harness it to help what is happening on the pitch? While VAR will not capture everything, it will help us make more better decisions. But it will not stop the debate over decisions next season. ”

Ok, so no foundational lie there. It won’t capture everything, but decisions will be a bit better.

But wait, there’s more:

“There will still be decisions where someone thinks it’s a yellow card and another thinks it’s a red. But the referee hasn’t made a clear and obvious error.You could end up with different outcomes for the same type of incident, so it protects the referee’s authority to make the decision on the field of play.”

What’s that? VAR actually saying that some decisions are subjective, and neither choice being made is clearly right or wrong?

Seems like the only foundational lie going around is that people that don’t like VAR, are lying about what it’s supposed to do, and the intent. From fans, of course that’s to be expected. Fans are normally hilariously biased towards their own side (Arsenal fans excepted of course, always level headed and reasonable).

Journalists however, should try and stick to the truth and report what actually happened by the people responsible; not loons on Twitter, in the pub, or ones being paid to churn out words on the internet. Unless it’s not just politicians that are in a post truth world?

Let’s stick to the real issue. It’s not the tech. It’s the dropkicks running it. Mike Dean’s latest shite about not leaving the centre circle, not giving fouls for as long as he could – when piled on top of protecting his “mate” from getting grief so not making a VAR call, David Coote’s quotes and subsequent fall from grace, and the junkets for these guys to ref in Saudi just shows where the problem is.

“Good process lads”. FFS, I’m convinced to this day, the only bloke in the whole office actually watching the game for the Diaz “goal” against Spurs was the video operator. He knew exactly what was going on.

Take VAR away, and you’re stuck with those pelicans running the game without video backup…

Last dig at random people! Football fans seem to be the only ones in any sport with video officials that genuinely seem confused about when to cheer because of VAR. Everyone else has worked it out. Dixon “BTL” Hunt

And those that disagree… Enough. Enough is enough.

In today’s mailbox yet again we have to suffer the utterly rubbish assertion that “the tech is fine, it’s the people that’s the problem”.

Stop. Please, people. Stop saying this. It’s bollocks with a big fat capital B.

VAR is run by humans. It cannot be run by anything other than humans.

Humans err.

We are not going to find humans that don’t err.

Ergo, VAR can never, ever work!

There will always be mistakes. There will never NOT be mistakes!

Which is why the only solution is to chuck the f***ing whole horrific thing in the bin, where it belongs, and write it off as a thoroughly dreadful failed experiment. Andy H, Swansea