Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Stadia Opiumo | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ STADIO OPIUMO…

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 5.5/10 – A spectral appearance. Where is he? Wearing fluorescent pink (cerise, ya bam!) because he was in Edinburgh during the festival and, y’know… So that viewers might notice we have a goalie. Nothing to do bar sclaff a pass or two so he got a mention in commentary, and watch the bar get clipped. Don’t worry, Kasper the Champions League is coming…

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – The water carrier exemplifies the work ethic with a forceful and combative lunchtime romp around the lines, defying their press. More impotantly, affording time for our creatives to get on the ball.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – Marriage is good for a man, they say… And I’ve said that to every wife I’ve ever had, even if I forget some of their names. AJ might have gotten engaged during the summer but it’s nothing in comparison to the relationship he’s forming with Takinte on our right. That’s true love – forged on the football field. Splendid link-up play, direct overlapping excitement and solid defensive work. I’d marry him too…*

*Nope.

OF JUSTICE – 5.5/10 – Liam, ffs… Started very accomplished, then dropped his levels, got befuddled and careless. Still has to adopt that 100% switched-on Celtic defender mentality that’s required, lest he becomes culpable for letting cannon-fodder back into games they have no right to be anywhere within range.

GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – Extremely able and extremely on-point to cover shaky Liam. The no-nonsense presence every great team requires at the heart of defence and the big ghuy went quietly and effectively about his business.

CALMAC – 7.5/10 – Captain Crack, they call him down Leith Walk. For entirely different reasons that we do. And, boy, did he have a crack today – rifled that in like the first Iranian missile that’s going to start WW3 and give the Zombies an excuse to avoid going bust (Again… Again!). Were you watching Stevie Clarke? The Celtic skipper given licence to go forward? On yer knees…Sealed the deal there and then, did Calmac, and spent the rest of the match calling the shots, controlling the tempo and snuffing out any reprisals.

THE BUILDER – 7/10 – The quality. Sheer quality. Around about 60th minute, left-back position, we’re pressed in, they’re excited, running back towards his own goal, man-on, ball zipping towards him, swipes a left-peg thirty-yard crossfield ball out of danger zone to open us up on the left. Sigh…C’mon son – CL fever or south-coast relegation struggle? Give us till January, give yourelf a better move…

HAKUNA HATATE – 5/10 – Well, that display may have ruled Reo out of a move before the window’s end. Good. Reo just could not get going. They focussed quite a lot on squeezing the spaces he plays in which benefitted others. But even when he found himself involved his touch or speed of thought was traitorous. Disappointing. Do not buy. You EPL mints. I repeat, do not buy.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 6.5/10 – Now that BR has surrendered to popular opinion and brazen logic we seem to focus on carving out as many sightings of goal for the wee mhan as the system can output. A. Good. Thing. Yet he’s doing everything but score. Not. A. Good. Thing. Despite terrific movement, the critical moments elude him; finishing currently at a level on par with the slap-dash effort the Zombies made to tart-up Hampden which now looks the footballing equivalent of Lily Savage slapping on lippy and blusher in a hurry. After being dug up this morning…But he’s Kyogo, and the goals will come, fast and furious. Hello, lurking Zombies – you know when he’ll likely start…

JAMESY – 6/10 – Edinburgh festival month? In the sunshine? Thousands of innocent nubile tourists? Incredible that we managed to drag Jamesy out of a rooftop Manto* bar and got a fine 45 minutes out of him before hormonal imbalance let his mind wander, led by gonadal impulse, and BR had to hook him lest the burds on the sun-kissed side of the stadium went home with pinkeye.

* ‘Mantovani’, legendary composer. You do the rhyming slang…

TAKINTE – 8/10 MOTM – It may be a thing. No flashes in the pan here – the bhoy looks a player of some impact. His feet and wits are naturally Celtic, and now that his fitness is approaching peak – if not there – he’s fast becoming the go-to firestarter. Expectations lift and hearts flutter faster when he gets on the ball; intermittent over-elaboration is just part of the new version of verve he brings to the right wing, and only a by-prodcut of some thrilling footwork. Pre-season he lifted eyebrows, now he’s lifting hopes; that we have a new wing-wizard match-winner who’ll make the most routine games worth the investment. Terrific on and off the ball today, timing and touch a treat. Perfect foil for AJ’s direct surges – the Kuhn feet give defenders added torment. One to watch. With relish.

SUBS:

MIKEY J – N/A – Why? Poor Mikey. An uncertain future and now an uncertain face. Question was asked why BR threw him in ahead of others, then we realised he was a decoy to draw fire. Never mind, Mikey, you’ll still be more handsome than any Zombie. Because nobody’s ever seen one of those. No. O.

SAINT BERNARDO – N/A – Months it took. Countless forms, negotiations, until finally the Lisboa Dog Pound released their most fearsome of rescue dugs into our loving care. Will he enact more glorious rescue missions like the Cup Final? Will he fill Matty’s cultured boots? We will see.

LORD KATSUMOTO – N/A – He’s back and he’s hirsute. Stay fit for a couple of weeks, Daizeminem – there are Zombies need a-skelping.

YING – N/A – See last week. Sometime soon he’ll get a kick of the ball.

THE ALLFATHER – N/A – See above.

TONY THE TIGER – N/A – Too late for more glory today. But every brickie welcomes a win bonus.

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7.5/10 – Same as, same as. No shakeup or shakedown – just rinsed and repeated the opening day directions and lineup. Made light work of a previously tricky proposition. Only real work he had to do was reshuffling the worn and weary and making sure our rhythm wasn’t disrupted to their advantage. Job done.

MIBBERY – 2/10 – Little Nick and the VAR apprentice boys had a miserable day out in the capital. Before they could blink the Bhoys were out of reach and out of recall. Questions will be asked.

OVERALL – 8/10 – How many? That was the question after Calmac had their ‘Block Seven’ behind-the-nets casuals enclave reduced to ‘One Spud’ and his stoned mate inside 20 minutes. A Hibs side needing something positive, Celtic flying – recent times have upset that applecart and we’ve racked up a history of needless perplexing struggles down heroin alley.

That sort of angst-inducing repetition flared only briefly today as the bhoys lapsed mid second-half. Our opening spell was…Spell-binding. Coruscating interplay underneath a dazzling sun had them begging for mercy and us coasting. Only poor finishing and luck stopped the tsunami from wiping out Leith docks in a canary-yellow (too lure big Idah…) wave of ruthless attacking intent.

The rest of Scottish football will – should – take note. They’ll set up to stifle us in the lowest blocks seen since the breeze blocks at Mordor started sinking into the mineworks their forefathers hid in during the world wars. But if we can reproduce such relentless aggressive dynamism in the majority of games, they’ll all need more than cheap Chinese steel to reinforce against the Hoops.

Go Away Now

Sandman