Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at the Corleone’s Country House | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE CORLEONES’ COUNTRY HOUSE

Kasper Schmeichel at full time. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 7.5/10 – Kaspaaaaaa! Those moments in time; mere seconds – they’re in! it’s one-on-one; sheer footballing anguish. You blink. He’s done it. The net doesn’t bulge; somehow the laws of physics cannot defeat the Schmeichel Spread. It’s a genetic inheritance trait that both biologists and metaphysicists MUST study in detail… ‘Cos it blows my mind. Only beaten by sheer luck and sheer precision; around that more goalkeeping splendour. In the words of Gregory Underwood: “What a guy. What. A. Guy…”

Jeffrey Schlupp scores the opening goal. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

SCHLUPPTHE ‘RA – 8.5/10 MOTM – The ‘most disappointing January window since last January window’ threw up some latent EPL journeyman few of us had ever heard of and who most thought was a sort of icy soft drink. How little you know… An absolute presence of a left-back. A baller with balls and elevated ability: physically formidable and offensively enlightening – clipped in a sparky opener off an upright after threatening since the first whistle as he hurtled down the flank linking with the mad roving Daizen. Managed to squeeze in a mid-air maiming of a troublesome opponent before later crowning his magnificent all-round showing by setting the benchmark for wingers everywhere with a perfect pitched cross for our fifth. He covered just about every facet possible of consummate left-full-back/wingback play. Outstanding.

Alistair Johnston in action. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – Mr.Consistency calling. He’s now bringing stoicism and storm-trooping to every appearance; 101st today and no let up with the aggressive defending and attacking prowess. Didn’t quite have the polish to his support play or the thoroughness to his defensive work; ‘cough’, non-penalty concession, anyone… But there’s no doubting his relentless and reliable input.

Cameron Carter-Vickers and Liam Scales. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

GET CARTER – 5.5/10 – Trouble in Toontown for the Big Mhan… Rolled and outpaced through the middle too many times; struggled to get to grips with their mobile and able-bodied striker. Never adjusted a line that seemed way too high way too often and relied on Kasper to bail us out. A testing evening, but he emerged a winner.

Auston Trusty goes off with a head-knock. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – N/A – Was feeling the heat before he felt the flying arm and the gash on his head had him taking a merciful early exit as our backline struggled.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continues on the next page…

Callum McGregor. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

CALMAC – 6/10 – Calmac subbed!? Whit? And the game still in the balance? Though not the title, lurking Zombies, eh? Anyway, Calmac had been conducting proceeding as usual without too much fuss or stress, but had been subdued since the break until his hooking. Trouble at t’ mill, we wondered? Nope – The Brodge had a cunning plan up his sleeve…

Arne Engels celebratesSt Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

THE TERMINATOR – 7.5/10 –…The cunning plan: Stepped into Calmac’s slippers like a butch Belgian Cinderella and they were a perfect fit. Old head on young shoulders, this kid, and the psyche of a seasoned veteran; cool, arrogant and taunting with his penalty; recovery run late in game that was Broony-esque in it’s malevolent retribution – emerging with the ball and a growl and an opponent rinsed. Said it months ago and been saying it FOR months, virgins – this bhoy’s a player.

Reo Hatate and Marcus Fraser during the Scottish Premiership match between St Mirren and Celtic in Paisley on 1st March 2025. Photo Mark Runnacles Shutterstock

HAKUNA HATATE – 7/10 – Hahahahha- fooled you! Absolute mince for an hour then peak Pirlo to seal the points. Channelled Corpus Christie first half as he winged an Easyjet trying to land nearby. It must have been the alarming sight of Calmac’s number on the board and not his that somehow tasered Reo’s baws – sublime closing period to the game where he showcased the splendour of his ability when the planets align.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continues on the next page…

Nicolas Kuhn in action. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

TAKINTE – 6/10 – See Aberdeen last Tuesday for reference: Almost but never quite, as The Kuhn flared up then flickered out without sparking the wildfire we know he can.

Adam Idah in action. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

DUNCAN IDAHO – 4/10 – Oh, dear, what should we do about Adam? Maybe get him to watch their centre forward for a template of how to use your nous and physique to make an impact? Maybe sign their CF at this rate…Early promise, but resonating Colin Nish; Too absent too often, big guy. This game, these opponents and these conditions were made for him. Or should have been…

Daizen Maeda celebrates. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – He’s mental, isn’t he? Lively and cute for the first 45, causing havoc, winning the penalty. Then, as with many others, it appeared the season was taking its toll on Daizen too for the first fifteen minutes after half-time. Not so. It started with his sudden reappearance around the hour on their byline, seemingly jumping out of the Green Brigade behind the nets, making their goalie shriek like a teenage girl with the ball at his feet, and ended with Daizen slotting that ball into that very same net to kill the game.

26. Verified. What a season.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continues on the next page…

SUBS –

Yang leads the celebrations. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

YING – 8/10 – Probably the greatest impact on Paisley since the comet that wiped out the dinosaurs somehow made it prettier. Or since the Feegie Cartel were run out of the Paisley Ponderosa b’ Teensy McFleckye and the Dykebar Lez Crew. TWO exceptional headers from the Sutton paradigm – jaw-droppingly executed by, well, a wee winger guy…PLAY HIM DOON THE MIDDLE! Not only that, but a hat-trick denied by exuberance that had him wander offside before a spectacular finish. Then, a wicked whipped pass to assist Daizen in for the fourth.

Yang celebrates. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

The night turned into ‘Yangsta’s Paradise’. In Paisley. The irony.

We knew he was trying damn hard, and on the verge of winning us over. But this is too much; like 1967’s Raquel Welch turned up at my door after the game, dazzled with a smile, turned, lifted her dress, bent over to reveal her peachy bare ass; two words written, one on each cheek: ‘FAE YANG’

Jota on the wing. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

NOTEBOOK – N/A – Come on, got booed by the lobotomy crew in the home stand; made their night.

Callum McGregor has a word with Luke McCowan. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 7/10 – Nae luck, Luke. But, look, that’s more like it, Luke – a save, an incredible block on the line and a rattled upright was his fine contribution, and poor luck.

OF JUSTICE – 5/10 – Jeez-oh, Liam looked rusty; and that’s not ginger aesthetic prejudice… The Barndarigg Beckenbauer didn’t like the surface or the pace he faced; conceded a clumsy foul for their equaliser, couldn’t quite get his passing game up to scratch; generally an uncomfortable trip down Escobar County.

Johnny Kenny and Liam Scales checking the results ahead of St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

KENNY JOHNNY – N/A – Pitched in at the very death of the game without a kick of the ball to collect a win bonus. Stepped onto the field at the MIB’s intake of breath for the final whistle; ironically managing the same overall input as Idah.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continues on the next page…

Brendan Rodgers applauds the away support. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 8/10 – Found the masterstroke as we toiled and it was unorthodox switcherooing that would’ve confounded a snake-oil salesman at a huckster convention. Puzzling subs had them more puzzled, and the bench won the game for the boss. Before we could hit him with the paper plane from the stand with the question, ‘Why the hell is Reo still on?’, the Korean conundrum, the divine wind that is Daizen and the second wind of Hatate had combined to thrill us to victory.

A boss move, you might say.

Stephen Robinson not happy with the match officials. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

MIBBERY – 3/10 – There was little chance the fresh-faced Pagan acolyte playing High-Priest of Paisley tonight was going to eclipse the witchery of Easter Road last week. But for a while the temptation seemed there. Until their VAR bottle crashed on the penalty situation and he flurried some cards at the zebras; knew then his balls hadn’t yet dropped, and nor would our points.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continues on the next page…

Jeffrey Schlupp celebrates. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

OVERALL – 7/10 – Well, trust the Zombies to suck the tension out of the evening with this afternoon’s Barry Tank Commander entertainment as they played out another disturbing medical fetish event with the armed forceps. Or something like that, involving a lot of strange people dressed like Action Man (GI Joe for overseas readers…) We did look unusually vulnerable for a lot of the game, playing a line higher than any Scarface used for ‘motivation’. Opening period of the second half was particularly dire, where we appeared shot and disinterested.

Daizen Maeda celebrates. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

Of course, we should know by now that was just these cheeky Bhoys baiting the Zombies; a few super-subs introduced to the mix and the last half hour was uplifting Celtic gold.

NINE is the countdown number. And at least that one’s something we can all relate to. Because Hawking’s deid now, and that makes the immense points gap total to the hideous but hilarious Tribute Act something the normal human brain has trouble calculating. Thankfully I found a way of remembering it – the same total as the number of fingers yer average Zombie has.

Yang scores. St Mirren v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Saturday 1st March 2025. Photo: Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

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