The Celtic Star
·5 May 2025
Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at The Mos Eisley Cantina
Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at The Mos Eisley Cantina | OneFootball
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SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE MOS EISLEY CANTINA…
“Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Just look at the Zombies.” – Yoda, ‘The Empire Strikes Back’.
VINDALOO – 8/10 MOTM – Great Celtic keepers are born, or die, upon the skull-strewn hill of Golgotha where the ungodly play flutes of hollowed human bones and berate all who dare to tread the contaminated turf with pandemoniac cachinnation. So what would it be for this fresh-faced Scandinavian Bhoy? Well tonight, Vinny will be suckling on Billy Dodds’ moobs. Though young Vindaloo hails from the purest beauty of Finnish wilds, he remained unfazed by the sight of the hideous masses of abnormal alien strain who attempted verbal and physical assault from the zoo enclosures behind him. He remained cool as a homeland glacier, pulling off three fine saves – a spectacular introduction with a back-scrambling tip on a deflection; butspecial kudos for the point-blank stop in the second-half to spoil Satan’s hobbit’s afternoon. Gentlemen (and ladies…), we have a keeper.
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GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – The pastry-hustler approaches these fixtures with an energising level of dementedness. That got him so far today but the bake-off got a little heated under their press and synch with Daizen seemed non-existent compared to the usual devastation their movement and pace can wreak down our left flank.
Anthony Ralston arrives at Ibrox. theRangers v Celtic, 4 May 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)
TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – Enter the Tiger to the Bears’ den (did you know that particular Zombie terminology for themselves is a reference to big hairycamp men, usually found trussed up in bondage gear and indulging in all sorts of furry tomfoolery (trust me, too much internet research…)? I’m sure the new Yank owners will be enchanted). No problem here for The Brickie; smashing cheeky Zombies around is his perfect Sunday. Interestingly, faux-Brazilian hardman Jefte didn’t fancy a tangle, and for the first-half in particular Tony and Jamesy linked well, old-schoolers showing how to handle the Zombies on their own cursed earth. When his tag-team buddy departed prematurely Tony dropped deep, feeling the heat but still in for the cause 100% and battling through fatigue to get us over the line.
OF JUSTICE – 5.5/10 – This battlefield was not suited to our defensive sniper. Eventually his intervening sharpness came to the fore and was important, but damage was already done early, signalled as Balogun shook him off first minute and rattled the bar with a header. Those troublesome moments accumulated, exploited by the Zombie barrage, and finally culminated in Liam being languidly rolled like a Snoop Dog joint by Cross-Dessers for their goal. I don’t mind stating the best choice for these rugged encounters is the unluckiest defender at the club who can’t seem to catch a break despite proving himself more than once against the uglies. Give us the big Polish slugger any day.
Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continues on the next page…
Cameron Carter-Vickers at Ibrox. theRangers v Celtic, 4 May 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)
GET CARTER – 7/10 – After a ropey start babysitting Liam, the Yankee finally got to grips with the Yankees and dominated them. Two glorious headers at either end signalled the big mhan had had enough and was taking charge. With the right partner today (*cough* the Pole! *cough*) he’d have snuffed their threat completely.
Callum McGregor at Ibrox. theRangers v Celtic, 4 May 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)
CALMAC – 6.5/10 – With Arne fading and Reo ethereal, Calmac was left to dig and scrap and agitate. Which he’s great at. Trouble is, while he’s doing the dirty deeds there’s nobody to conduct the orchestra and the churning crucible of our midfield delivers no golden overtures. When he did finish with railing Raskinstiltskin and got space and snatches of time on the ball to create, he opened them up. But too little, and finally too late. Operation protect The Skipper must become a priority or we don’t function anywhere close to capacity.
THE TERMINATOR -5.5/10 – Almost his season encapsulated here; looked class and instrumental for the opening half hour, then came the young player affliction of falling out of proceedings and losing the pace and flow of the game. Not far, though, from that adjustment and having him run the show for the duration. Yes, naysayers, wait and see.
HAKUNA HATATE – 6/10 – Like a memory of a dream that eludes you minutes after waking, Reo drifted in and out of the game’s dreamscape, lurking, almost there but not quite, until his last waking act nearly won it all with the interception to put Daizen through.
Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continues on the next page…
LORD KATSUMOTO – 6/10 – Aagh, all game Tavpen had dreaded The Frightmare being released, and we hollered for the ball in-behind that would launch our Kamikaze, but which never came…Until the last, as Reo found the touch and the countdown clock ticked to zero as our beloved conundrum raced clean through…And missed it. If only his decision-making was as fast as his feet; a dink, a clip, even a slip to the side… But the keeper got lucky with the top of his foot and Daizen as unlucky as an escaped chicken that wanders into a KFC for directions; the ball bobbled up off the inside of his leg and bounced behind him as he attempted to Davor Suker his way round to glory. What a moment it would have been for him after a day where we mysteriously neglected playing to his strengths and a week of, by all accounts, important family matters that’s had him circumnavigating the globe. God Bless The Daizen.
DUNCAN IDAHO – 6/10 – Donkey, or dynamite? The correct answer is… both. Cursed on the lips of every agonised Celt at half-time, praised by the roars quarter of an hour later. This was looking like being the defining game of his stuttering Celtic career as he fluffed his lines and saw them play out the wrong script minutes later. But then, out of the slaver-empire blue, he emerges from the clutter with a deft fancy that would have gotten him double in playground heiders & volleys, and thrashes home the equaliser for a balancing dramatic flourish. What’s next for the rampaging enigma? Who knows? Certainly not him, I’m pretty sure…
JAMESY – 6.5/10 – Feed The Flash! A day made for the Prestwick Pele and he took to it like a swinger to a car key party. And for some reason got only an hour on the park…Our most dangerous and lively frontman for his time in the game, showing he’s not lost that fleet-footed burst and ability to open spaces in their backline. Bonnie Blue may have worked her way thorugh 1000 men but Jamesy Green calls them rookie numbers, as our legendary ‘playa’ goes for records of his own. And on the pitch too… Ladies… Play him for ninety! Give him the pens!
Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continues on the next page…
SUBS –
Jeffrey Schlupp at Ibrox. theRangers v Celtic, 4 May 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)
SCHLUPPTHE ‘RA – N/A – Welcome to Compton. Are you carrying?
YING – 5/10 – Naive lightweight Yang is back… Just as he looked about to set it afire, his early Celtic failings haunted his crucial touches once more.
Paulo Bernardo at Ibrox. theRangers v Celtic, 4 May 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)
SAINT BERNARDO – 5.5/10 – Eased back in with a tough task in a misfiring midfield but didn’t hide and did his best to make his presence felt.
KENNY JOHNNY – 5.5/10 – Zipped in and about them, took no nonsense took a yellow, took his head in his hands after making up ground lightning quick for the match-winning tap-in from Daizen’s break that never came…
Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continues on the next page…
Brendan Rodgers and the Celtic players post-match. theRangers v Celtic, 4 May 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)
THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 6/10 – With two of the Flying Wallendas and the Canuck meat-grinder out injured, caution was his by-word. But should it have been? Why? It was the Zombies, not CL material, and the entire squad trains to the system anyway, surely? So the Tribute Act got too much of the ball and too much respect as we sat compact, playing possession stats and inviting a press. And the subs and reshuffle remained questionable – one danger-man hooked and another inversely dangerous mhan in the back four left on, with the robust solution stuck on the bench. Again. Overall, The season’s derby performances will be an itch he’ll hope to scratch away with razor claws come August.
Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continues on the next page…
VAR decision at Ibrox for their offside goal. theRangers v Celtic, 4 May 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)
MIBBERY – 5/10 – Jee-sus, radiation-poisoned Gerard Kelly with the flag was clearly desperate. His re-enactment of the scandalous Jorge Cadete offside call even had Satan’s spawn, Damien Dallas on VAR, cringing. Little Nick tried to divert attention from the embarrassing farce with a slapstick booking of Wee Bawbag-Bazza, just to make the Zombies seethe so much that the entire Edmiston enclosure was obscured by a popping mass of saliva bubbles and spit. Nothing unusual there, then…In summation, they had a bit of a last throw of the dice, realised they risked revealing the dice really were loaded, so opted for clenching teeth and backside-cheeks and playing mostly to the rules for the closing spell. Even if it meant the anguish of overlooking the ‘penalty to Rangers’ moment, lol.
The Celtic Board and guests at Ibrox. theRangers v Celtic, 4 May 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)
OVERALL – 6/10 – May the Fourth be with you – it was Star Wars Day and therefore fitting that we should rock up at the inspiration for the bar in the movie. But I doubt George Lucas imagined quite the dank and nitrous vault that Celtic had to enter. We did so with a couple of thousand merry souls there for a Sunday of mockery and hopefully a resounding Zombie-skelping, belying the dark expressions of consciousness that surrounded them. The most controversial and disturbing of which, seemed to be a tifo portraying Graeme Souness sucking a big dildo. Those Onions Bears and their Freudain fantasies; Each to their own, I suppose…
Their offensive tifo at Ibrox. Photo social media. theRangers v Celtic, 4 May 2025.
But with the recent derby choking-syndrome rearing up again, it transpired that the Bhoys weren’t going to teach the upstarts any well-deserved lessons. We failed to ignite, with a display that felt ponderous and often aimless, no perceptible rhythm getting the blood up and the adrenalin flowing. Sure, we got ourselves back in the game, maybe could have won it. But this was the Dead Rubber Cup Final and one imaginary trophy we were overdue winning with some style and swagger to clam the mouthy underachievers who’d recently stolen empty victory from the jaws of defeat at our patch then declared themselves Brazil 1970.
Rangers substitute Neraysho Kasanwirjo runs on to the pitch to throw items off the pitch that appear to have been thrown into the Celtic penalty area during the second half of the match. theRangers v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Ibrox. Sunday 04 May 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace/Shutterstock
But today ran flat and hostilities called to ceasefire after 97 minutes of disjointed frustration, punctuated briefly by joy. So the squabble lingers, postponed until August when we’ll resume once more at the Bates Motel where we’ll no doubt be facing the new Jam Tomorrow (unheard of) superstar signings like Portuguese Fiasco De Gama, or another unknown but ‘brilliant’ Colombian, Fat Freddy Enchiladas…
Celtic supporters at Ibrox. theRangers v Celtic, 4 May 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)
Until then, we can shake-off this unsavoury day with a shudder, like it were a cockroach in our hair, and focus on the real prize – a treble we’re favourites to win. Or so the probabilities say…
Never tell me the odds.
Go Away Now
Sandman
Celtic in the Thirties by Celtic Historian Matt Corr is published in two volumes by Celtic Star Books. ORDER NOW!
Both volumes of Celtic in the Thirties are also available on Amazon Kindle, with the links to order below. Signed copies of both volumes are still available on hardback from Celtic Star Books and if you would like author Matt Corr to add a special dedication to your copies please let us know. Order hardback copies HERE or for Amazon Kindle click by clicking on the images below…
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