Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Stoned-Apis | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v STONED-APIS

Celtic goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 27 September 2025. Photo IMAGO Stuart Wallace IMAGO Shutterstock

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – The silent protest couldn’t match how quiet Kasper’s afternoon was. One straight forward stop, a narrow escape, and the rest of the game spent calculating how many minutes this season he’s been standing hands on hips waiting in vain for the opposite net to bulge.

Marcelo Saracchi of Celtic crosses the ball beyond Chris Cadden of Hibernian. Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO Shutterstock

SCRATCHY – 7.5/10 MOTM – The Uruguayan Charlie Manson’s got a bit of dynamism about him. Not sure what I expected but it was less than he produced; intelligent runs and use of the ball, superb deliveries, and he’s got a left boot like a traction engine – fairly lashed that one off the bar. Let’s hope this was just a regular day at the Spahn Movie Ranch for him and not a psychotic episode. If so, KT’s got some proper competition.

Anthony Ralston of Celtic tackled by Josh Campbell of Hibernian Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO Shutterstock

TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – The Brickie doesn’t shirk the call – the quintessential fan in a jersey gave his all and almost augmented it with some sparkling moments. But the finesse wasn’t there at crucial times when we’ve previously seen the Ralston killer ball.

Kieran Bowie of Hibernian challenged by Liam Scales of Celtic Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO Shutterstock

OF JUSTICE – 7/10 – A challenge for Liam – up against the SPL’s most complimentary and troublesome strike force. If ever the Ginger Baresi would have his wits tested domestically it was through Susan Boyle’s mezzo-soprano notes and Davie Bowie’s strangely androgynous alter-egos, not to mention trying to work out where those different-coloured eyes were glancing next…

Wait a minute. Wrong Boyle and Bowie.

Yeah… Eh, pace and physicality, that’s it – a handful of a duo but Liam exhibited a reassuring prowess not always appreciated by the casual observer; his anticipation and movement was terrific, mirroring his opponents and allowing him to be on them like white on rice.

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Cameron Carter-Vickers of Celtic reacts after Referee Don Robertson showed him a yellow card for a challenge on Kieran Bowie of Hibernian. Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO Shutterstock

GET CARTER – 7/10 – Tackle of the season. Textbook-perfect slide, feet on the ground, cleaning out ball and man. Penalised. Booked. Get lost. Like his defensive counterpart, the big mhan got a good workout against the polarised cultural icons. Kept him occupied and alert for the 90, which is a tune-up bonus for the coming matches.

Celtic captain Callum McGregor looks frustrated at full-time. Final score Celtic 0 Hibernian 0. Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO Shutterstock

CALMAC – 7/10 –  Calmac the way he was meant to be – henchmen around him, not invisible. Allowed the skipper to rotate the ball sharply, probe excessively, and wonder like the rest of us how Hibs survived.

THE TERMINATOR – 6.5/10 –  As above – facilitates his captain’s best game. It’s about Engel’s positional play, Playstation FIFA-generation chumps, not his nerdy stats or X flaming G or YMCA or whatever else perks their peenies. Simply this – compliment the dictator with an able and capable vizier and we’ll dominate. Oh, and how Arne didn’t nail the winner with that eight-yard stab is known only to the secret society of flukey goalies.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6/10 – Luke at that starting eleven! It IS Luke! And he did alright; certainly more involved than we’ve seen Reo this season, appearing confident and guileful. Just faded second 45 when we could really have done with his can-opening feet.

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Daizen Maeda of Celtic & Jordan Obita of Hibernian. Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership,Celtic Park, 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO/Shutterstock

LORD KATSUMOTO – 5/10 – Whit? After all the fallout, Daizen’s back in the game, and eventually back down the middle… More of that bizarrity later. But he’s still not Daizen. In flashes, almost fooling us, but…This ain’t Godzilla – this is a guy in a Godzilla costume making it up as he goes along. Rest him. Rest his head. Let him clear it and give us a last few months of the real deal.

Kelechi Iheanacho of Celtic reacts after missing a good scoring opportunity. Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock/IMAGO

ITCHYCOO PARK – 6/10 – Damn, close as it gets. Should have scored, did score, looked menacing but still a bit off-key due to fitness issue. However… When your striker pops one in after a day of near-things, even though it’s disallowed at least give him another ten minutes with his blood and confidence up to get what’s eluded him. Nope. Hooked the instant after the near-breakthrough. In order to repeat a failed midweek experiment. Jee-sus.

Sebastian Tounekti of Celtic & Josh Mulligan of Hibernian Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 27 September 2025Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO/Shutterstock

TUTANKHAMUN – 5.5/10 – Uh-oh, there’s a lot of lovely beaches in Tunisia upon which to sand-dance. But maybe we’ve got a silver surfer? Still balancing on the new-Mikey-J-or-not-Mikey-J? edge of the chin-scratching conundrum. Two maybes in a row after a flourishing start, but another immediately subbed today after springing into life. Like Belgrade. The jury stays in the canteen.

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Benjamin Nygren and unused substitute Kieran Tierney of Celtic applauds the Celtic fans at full-time. Final score Celtic 0 Hibernian 0. Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

NEGAN – 5.5/10 – Got himself into some good positions, blew the vital delivery on two occasions. Yet did look likely to cause some bother.

SAINT BERNARDO – 6/10 – Came on looking mean and intent on business. About time he got the chance. Let’s see some more.

Jack Iredale of Hibernian shields the ball from James Forrest of Celtic Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, – 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO/Shutterstock

JAMESY – 6/10 – If anyone can cure your frustration it is surely the Prestwick Pele? Well, we waited and wondered – what a time for the Flash to get the record and three points. But, no, he just edged us.

Michel-Ange Balikwisha of Celtic Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO/Shutterstock

BALIKMORY – N/A – He did it again! “Who’s that guy lugguing the kitbag?” ‘No idea, but think his name’s scribbled down here with the subs. Ach, throw him on…’

Chris Cadden of Hibernian saves a header from Johnny Kenny of Celtic in time added on after 90 minutes. Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO Shutterstock

KENNY JOHNNY – N/A – Look! A striker! Get him right down that middle! With maybe some time left to play, perhaps would have been a good idea…

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Kelechi Iheanacho of Celtic shakes hands with Celtic Manager Brendan Rodgers as he is substituted for Benjamin Nygren. Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, – 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO Shutterstock

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 6.5/10 – I mean, it’s like this – elite managers think out of the box? “Like, what if I double-bluff considered opinion and actually play the winger again who I’ve been explaining isn’t really in the right frame of mind to wear the Hoops at this moment? Not only that – when he’s also struggling deep in the game I’ll simply whip off the goalscoring centre-forward and put him back down the middle just like the other night when it backfired completely. Reverse psychology, or what?! Repetition is the mother of invention, right? I’m sure Albert Aristotle said that very thing. “Flam-in-jeen-yus! To the Gucci store!”

Referee Don Robertson Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace/Shutterstock

MIBBERY – 6.5/10 – The Don strikes back. A clock can strike too but he’s never heard of one, hence his lackies in VAR and pitch-side just make up random numbers – always low as nobody can count above four… – during time-wasting and ensure reality can’t be reflected in anything they contrive. Also, make sure you book a couple of Bhoys for the optics – particularly if one’s just executed a tackle for the ages. Can’t have tackling in the modern game, can we? Not in that jersey. Absolute Zombie fanboys, the lot of them.

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Celtic Chief Executive Michael Nicholson sits in the directors box with Celtic s Chief Financial Officer Christopher McKay to his right. Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO Shutterstock

OVERALL – 7/10 – It’s not like this was a shambles. It was, indeed, quite a sharp and exciting performance for the majority of the game. The ball was shifted at pace, the tempo maintained; there was invention and movement and rotation and understanding on a level that reflected good Lennoxtown work. Hibs got pummelled and knocked about the ring. They spent more time on the ropes than the high-command at Nuremberg Prison. Yet they escaped a knockout blow. Why?

For the past few seasons we’d shrug it off as bad luck and their good fortune. This season? Kairat twice, the Zombies (embarrassing) and now Hibs. Big fat zeroes. At least in this one we created the moments, but still seemingly lack the players who’ll convert them.

Johnny Kenny of Celtic heads at goal Celtic v Hibernian, Scottish Premiership, Football, Celtic Park, 27 September 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO/Shutterstock

Daizen bailed us out last season but he’s more concerned with bailing himself out this time round. Kyogo was alienated and let go without replacing. The big-money Brodge bhoy is now chasing Swans with other immigrants, the latest Japanese poacher isn’t allowed to play because Brendan didn’t sign him, Kenny Johnny thinks he’s allowed to play but every time he gets on the park the ref blows the final whistle, and our young English Prem prodigy seems to be considered too young for the Scottish Prem even though the breakthrough right-back’s younger than him…

Just…Whit?

My  head hurts. Anybody fancy a game of 3-Card Braga?

See you Thursday dinner time…

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Sandman

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