Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Lasagne v Celtic | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ LASAGNE…

Kasper Schmeichel of Celtic celebrates. Bologna v Celtic, UEFA Europa League, Group Stage, Football, Renato Dall Ara Stadium, Bologna, Italy – 22 January 2026. Photo Michael Zemanek IMAGO/Shutterstock

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 8/10 – Made for him. All the experience and nous required to get us through the test of the season; pulled off some terrific stops, batting one away late on with a contemptuous fist like Lego Thanos, “Get Lost”. No chance with the goals, particularly the second which was the only time his bodyguards let him down by leaving inviting spaces. Kasper will have relished this one, moreso for his own measure with the World Cup on the horizon – does he still have it to face up to the intensity at top level? Yes. Definitively. Haters gonna seethe.

KATIE – 7.5/10 – A dogged marvel, he’s become. Injury has taken its toll over the years and this KT is not the dynamic Bhoy of his youth. But his time at the top has stiffened his resolve for stringent examinations of his overall capabilities like last night. To be honest, it looked dire as their trickiest customer with the acceleration of a coked-up cheetah found a lot of early joy down KT’s wing. But he didn’t fold. He got to grips, got closer, used his wits. Second-half he tucked in with the centre backs when Bolt Junior went central, and joined in the Spartan heroics.

OF JUSTICE – 8.5/10 – The Wicklow Wonder, the Banrdarigg Beckenbauer, the Ginger Baresi – all fanciful nomenclatures bestowed with no little irony… But Liam continues to have the last laugh by living up to those hallowed titles with performances like this. Nary a foot put wrong when one inch out of synch would invite disaster. If you can’t see the acute positional instinct of the much-maligned Irish underdog in matches such as these then you best go back to your Playstation FIFA and Pornhub subscription because the rigours of the real thing ain’t for you, Smokey. Liam laser-focussed and sometimes prophetic, a phenomenal exhibition of calm under pressure and incisive intervention.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 9.5/10 MOTM – There’s not much more you can do as a defender at this level bar stud the Zombaby Ferguson tastily enough so it leaves a mark. And you get your perfect 10/10…But leaving that one error aside, let’s all remember the stoical awesomeness of the big Yank’s 95 minutes of thunderous defensive magnificence and attacking valour. Arse, baws and heid kept them out, and his big toe won a point.

Auston Trusty of Celtic FC celebrates after scoring his team’s second goal during the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD7 match between Bologna FC 1909 and Celtic FC at Stadio Renato Dall’Ara on January 22, 2026 in Bologna, Italy. (Photo by Alessandro Sabattini/Getty Images)

Let’s also remember, Brendanistas, who had isolated him earlier in the season in the name of… Well, flaming sabotage really… Left so far out in the cold his nickname became ‘The ICE agent’. His form had slipped a little recently, and injury sidelined him. But here he was, back on the chain-gang with no little axe to grind and the Lasagne frontline’s efforts got ‘pick’-ed off (flaming pun intended!) time and time again by the outstanding hero of all the night’s heroes.

MELLOW YELLOW – 8/10 – The kid was great. Easy to fold and take the beating. But he’s got the correct competitive spirit for that jersey and looked like he was enjoying the scrap. Took his cue from the older lads and made every decision count, not a foot wrong when the heat was on. Even found time to attack Zombaby Ferguson with what seemed to be his nipples but came off second best; needs to watch more MMA.

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CALMAC – 7.5/10 – Yasss! scrap it out, skipper. That early goal-saving tackle set the tone and his troops responded. A mission that started out as a task to compete became a nightmare, a strength-sapping undertaking to stay in a game with the odds stacked against you. But he rallied his mhen defiantly and with proper leadership; voice will be gone, I’d think, from calling the shots like a quarter-back. Got his headspace exactly right once we were down to ten and made sure his team followed his example.

THE TERMINATOR – 7/10 – A really good bit of jousting from young Arne. Whatever the arguments over his finesse or the fact we don’t see nearly enough of it, you can’t grumble about a player who’ll dig as he did when the chip pan catches fire. Willing to cover the yards, bite into their showboaters and stand strong as a shield in front of his defence. Fair play, kid.

HAKUNA HATATE – 3/10 – For heaven’s sake Reo. After a promising goalscoring start, he all but turns the shotgun on us with two yellows of entirely his own making. First came after he was right through on a high ball and trapped it ten yards backwards like a deranged puppy with a beachball. Second and off – the petulance he’s shown through the season catches up, boils, then blows up in his face. Baka!

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YING – 6.5/10 – I admire the wee fella’s willingness to do the hard yards and play his part in the collective effort. Kind of like a Korean Daizen Lite. That he did, proving himself a worthy inclusion, if unable to shine going forward; any hope of that curtailed by our Japanese midfielder’s meltdown.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 8.5/10 – Daizen’s a flaming beast. Don’t take my word for it – Joe Hart told you in commentary. But he’s not the Gough kind of beast – he’s the defenders’ and goalkeepers’ nightmare-fuel sort. And for all the moans over the last month or so about his inscrutable expression, I’ve never seen a player enjoy himself more than Daizen when he’s happily tearing around causing chaos and carnage; a Japanese Heath Ledger’s Joker: “It about sending message, opponent-san.”

TUTANKHAMUN – 5/10 – Kind of dicked about until he realised these were no SPL jobbers and had some flashes of interest. But any sort of lasting impact he may have made was lost when he became the necessary sacrifice.

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SUBS –

TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – Yet another of our more-maligned steps up in a time of need and crushes the souls of his detractors with a rabid, invigorating cameo. The Brickie became The Green Knight: ‘None Shall Pass!’ (See what I did there, fans of Python and Maurice Neumont propaganda posters?).

Johnny Kenny of Celtic and Nicolo Casale of Bologna, Bologna v Celtic, UEFA Europa League, Renato Dall Ara Stadium, Bologna, Italy – 22 January 2026. Photo Michael Zemanek Shutterstock

KENNY JOHNNY – 6/10 – Rough, but ready to do his bit. So he came on and raced about and hounded them well enough; had he been a bit braver with choices he may even have set up Daizen for a winner… But let’s cool it with the acid trips.

Benjamin Nygren of Celtic FC looks on during the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD7 match between Bologna FC 1909 and Celtic FC at Stadio Renato Dall’Ara on January 22, 2026 in Bologna, Italy. (Photo by Alessandro Sabattini/Getty Images)

NEGAN – 6/10 – A credible enough half; mostly asked to subvert his natural game and dog around closing-down as much as possible rather than act creatively. Although the one chance he did get to notch his customary goal and send us into raptures, he surprisingly and frustratingly decided not to take down a high ball at the edge of the box with plenty space to strike one; instead opting a useless lob to a knackered Daizen.

SAINT BERNARDO – N/A – Woof! Time-killing, space-filling Paulo helped tired legs through the last ten minutes.

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Martin O Neill, manager of Celtic reacts after the match Bologna v Celtic, UEFA Europa League, Group Stage, Renato Dall Ara Stadium, Bologna, Italy – 22 January 2026. Photo Michael Zemanek Shutterstock

FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE – 8/10 – A marvellous vindication of Father Martin’s man-management and his management team’s inspiring influence on the squad. There won’t be many games in his vaunted career when his ten-man side of unrated, under-performing ‘lesser’ players have managed to hold a crack Italian outfit at bay for a besieged half an hour.

That will probably please him as much as anything this evening – that we didn’t crack when the equaliser went in. Very much the delightful opposite – the players galvanised and fought it out tooth and claw, and got a feel-good result that’ll have their manager buzzing and them bathing in the glory he’ll reflect with calculated words into Sunday’s showdown.

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Thijs Dallinga of Bologna scores the 1-2 goal during the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD7 match between Bologna FC 1909 and Celtic FC at Stadio Renato Dall’Ara on January 22, 2026 in Bologna, Italy. (Photo by Alessandro Sabattini/Getty Images)

MIBBERY – 5/10 – Ran his pack of cards out through that tempestuous first 45, thankfully leaving one Japanese on the park when for a few seconds of VAR replay he might have landed an Asian double as Daizen arrived late on one of them at lightspeed.

Bologna’s Riccardo Orsolini and Jonathan Rowe with head down at the end of the UEFA Europa League soccer match between Bologna and Celtic at the Renato DallÕAra Stadium in Bologna, north Italy – Thursday, January 22, 2026 Photo Massimo Paolone/LaPresse/IMAGO

OVERALL – 8.5/10 – Pretty pastel away shirts sponsored by Celtic Alamo Foundation. And Davy Crockett. Magnificent isn’t the choice word really, for the performance, or the result – but certainly can be applied to the character the players finally showed after a troubled, teeth-grinding, brow-beater of a season to date.

Celtic FC fans during the Uefa Europa League match between Bologna FC and Celtic Glasgow on 22 January 2026 at Renato Dall Ara Stadium, Bologna, Italy. Photo Nderim Kaceli IPA Sport/IMAGO

The way in which they got that result – a precious point to bring qualification within reach – was almost absolutely ideal for our current circumstances, if not a little flaming mental. All that was missing by the end was a ripped Gerry Butler stood in our goalmouth in a red cape and shield, chucking a spear at Zombaby Ferguson, hollering “THIS. IS. SELLIIIIIIICK!”.

Celtic FC fans during the Uefa Europa League match between Bologna FC and Celtic Glasgow on 22 January 2026 at Renato Dall Ara Stadium, Bologna, Italy. Photo Nderim Kaceli IPA Sport/IMAGO

Almost to a mhan – not you, Reo. Baka! – they showed their mettle; same fortitude that had deserted them so infamously against the actual Zombies, the Paisley Zombies, The Dundee Zombies and the Diet Zombies, among others this season. And the perfect tonic was that this result came against a proper team, Italian Cup winners, away from home. It can be both season-defining and a litmus test; something the players should draw great energy and belief from, and if they don’t they’re never going to cut it.

I’d bet on the former if I was a gambling man. And you all know that I am so a ton on us -1 at the Edinbugger Reptile House on Sunday, thanks…So should we go on to take the title, remember this dreich January night as a turning-point when this Celtic side finally got their baws back, after some of them literally, heroically, put theirs on the line.

Go Away Now

Sandman

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