Arsenal tricked into signing Vinicius like Chelsea with Lampard appointment | OneFootball

Mediawatch has accidentally willed more daftness into existence, while Arsenal have learned two shocking ‘conditions’ to sign Bruno Guimaraes.

England have also been DENIED something they already actually turned down ages ago.

Vini-dication

Mediawatch must begin by, well, pointing and laughing at Mediawatch.

Last Monday’s edition began thus:

‘There is, and this will shock you, absolutely no evidence here that Vinicius Jr tops any list of Arsenal transfer targets other than one that – until perhaps unwisely being committed to print – existed only in Canton’s head. The other two names on this very real and important list are Bradley Barcola and Yan Diomande, just for an idea of what kind of copium we’re dealing with here.

‘On the subject of Vini, Canton writes:

‘Yes. Yes it is.

‘This is nothing more nor less than a personal wishlist. That’s absolutely fine and basically harmless, but, as ever, it sits under a headline that suggests it’s rather more than a blog from a fan with a laptop.’

After this and Frank Lampard’s interim Chelsea appointment, Mediawatch is excited to discover what can be witheringly scoffed into existence next.

We don’t talk about Bruno

Arsenal are *this* close to signing one player, as the Daily Mirror website details here:

This is fascinating. Is one of the conditions that an Arsenal player gets to elbow Guimaraes in the head as payback for Jorginho all those years ago? Or that Eddie Howe has to admit that he and his players are a desgracia?

Apparently not. Behold, the ‘two conditions’ for Arsenal’s Guimaraes move:

1) Newcastle have to agree to sell him. 2) Newcastle have to agree a fee to sell him.

Some glorious bandwagon-hopping frenzy-whipping here from The Sun, who have sensed an opportunity to enrage a certain group of already furious football fans – or as they call them, ‘frustrated footie watchers’.

‘England DENIED automatic Euro 2028 spot for hosting – despite Argentina qualifying for World Cup by staging one match’ is a headline which makes no attempt to hide what it is trying to do.

Brave, brilliant England are being DENIED something, while those dirty, filthy Argies are being gifted a similar thing. And people ought to be incensed.

Mediawatch will kindly point out at this stage that if England fail to qualify for an expanded Euros, especially with two spots reserved for any of the highest-ranking five hosts who do not make it through the groups, then they deserve to be DENIED. And that if anyone reckons Argentina need an automatic spot for a 427-team World Cup in which basically every South American country is guaranteed safe passage, they are indeed an idiot.

But also, this story published by The Sun in October 2023 feels pertinent:

Back then, Martin Lipton wrote that ‘Wembley chiefs have made it clear to Uefa that they are keen for England to have to earn their slot’ because ‘playing competitive matches will ensure England are properly match-ready for the tournament’.

Three years and one annoying World Cup defeat side later, it is a national disgrace that England have been DENIED something they already ‘rejected’, while those Argentinean sh*thouses are granted a place at a completely different tournament.

Reffing and blinding

In a similar vein is this headline, top of the Daily Express website:

There’s not a lot of reading between the lines required to see what they’re getting at. The implication is clear: the referee has felt compelled to step down in controversy during this FIFA investigation.

The truth is a little more boring. Slavko Vincic has retired (yes, ‘just days’) after reaching the pinnacle of his profession. Meanwhile, FIFA are looking into the post-match scenes. Those two facts are entirely unrelated, despite that rogue ‘as’.

In no way is it the biggest story in all of football on Monday morning – unless you are desperate to pretend that something is afoot.

Enzo the Earth

‘Enzo Maresca insists Man City won’t repeat what Man Utd did after Sir Alex Ferguson’ – Daily Mirror website.

It would, in fairness, be a bit weird if Maresca came out and said he was about to David Moyes the ever-loving Christ out of this.

All systems go

Fabrizio Romano versus Luke Edwards was a deeply shameful chapter in humanity and a low point from which the universe might never recover. Yet Romano’s return bout against Florian Plettenberg of Sky Germany has reenergised the community.

Two entire grown men, arguing over who gossips the best and most accurately reports what they are told by self-serving agents, featuring the unironic and completely serious use of phrases like ‘attacking me for a here we go’.