Lisandro Martinez given eight-word advice by old man shouting at clouds | OneFootball

We begin with Eberechi Eze’s rarely-seen wife but move on to Lisandro Martinez being given some advice by an old man.

Know your place, Lisandro. And switch off your phone. Can it be a new rule at Manchester United?

Eze does it

The top story in the whole wide of football on Tuesday morning according to The Sun:

Pretty sure he sees her, fellas. Just because you didn’t have a zillion photos of her in bikinis in your media archive…

Who thinks Butt and Scholes were blameless?

Elsewhere, there is an awful lot of talk about Lisandro Martinez and his ‘spat’ (does anybody ever use the word ‘spat’ in real life?) with Nicky Butt and Paul Scholes. It dominates the Daily Mail:

Reel in shock as middle-aged English white man sides with other middle-aged English white men and says that Lisandro Martinez should really know his place.

There you go. Turn your phone off and play better. Simple.

And presumably ignore journalists – including Ladyman’s Daily Mail colleague Chris Wheeler – when they ask you about former Manchester United stars absolutely crossing the line between acceptable criticism of football performance and jibes about his stature.

Lest we forget, Butt predicted on a podcast – to great guffaws – that Erling Haaland would “pick Martinez up and run with him” and that their battle at Old Trafford on Saturday would resemble “a dad after school running down the road with a little toddler”.

Scholes then added that Haaland would “score, then throw him in the net” because banter.

Just turn your phone off and get taller, Lisandro.

So having been criticised extensively on a podcast, Martinez literally answered some journalists’ questions, beginning with “honestly, he can say whatever he wants” and he is in the wrong? Apparently yes…

He didn’t ‘take to social media afterwards’, Ian; he was literally asked some questions by your colleagues in the media.

You know who then did take to social media? Paul Scholes, who replied via Instagram. Then Butt replied via the medium of a podcast. Like the big men they are.

This, by the way, is tremendous work:

Please God let there ever be a silence to break.

Ladyman ends by writing:

Then here’s an idea: Don’t sodding ask him.

I got new rules, I count ’em

Perhaps Michael Carrick could introduce some new rules about ‘just turning off your phone and playing better’ at Manchester United.

After all, this is a time of change at the club. As reported by the Manchester Evening News:

And what is this ‘new Man United rule’?

Is that a ‘rule’? Or is it a time-table change? We know the answer, but we also know the answer to ‘what makes a better headline?’.

The Express bring us this belter: ‘Michael Carrick immediately introduces new rule at Man Utd as senior stars ‘take action’.’

Are we supposed to believe that the senior players have ‘taken action’ against this new rule? Of course. Is this true? Is it balls.

And what’s this ‘new rule’:

Still not a f***ing rule.

But away from Manchester United…

‘Controversial former Premier League star looks unrecognisable with completely different hairstyle’, claims The Sun. Above a picture of the most Neal Maupay-ish man imaginable. With some hair.