Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Three-Card | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THREE-CARD…

Celtic line-up prior to the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD2 match between Celtic FC and SC Braga at Celtic Park on October 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 3/10 – Kasper.Kasper! KAAASPER!! “Uh,hhhh… Like, what, man?” The ball – save it! “Ba…Uh, you mean the technicolour frisbee the beautiful hippy chick with the flowers in her hair is floating towards me across this sun-kissed San Fransico parkland as Barry McGuire’s ‘Eve Of Destruction’ tune is playing on some dude’s transistor radio, man? Well… Wai…Wait an’ I’ll flap at it and see if I can catch…Aw, man… Bummer… It’s gone past me, man, and there’s a lot of heaaavy noise, y’know – dudes givin’ me grievance. Like, hey… Chill, y’know. Wow, man, this is trippy…” Kasper was stoned; Evidence that kicking of his, too, and it’s the only logical answer. Call Vinny, his time has come.

Colby Donovan in action during the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD2 match between Celtic FC and SC Braga at Celtic Park on October 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

MELLOW YELLOW – 4/10 – Nothing like boosting a kid’s confidence by hooking him at the break. Looked a bit shaky during his time on the park, or maybe rather ‘raw’ is the correct summation; still not too much of a negative because he’ll give 100% regardless of how his form is.

KATIE – 5.5/10 – Not the KT we ordered but still the battling fan in a jersey who’ll not go down without a fight. Could have scored himself tonight, looked comfortable in central defence for the second period. He’s not the problem.

OF JUSTICE – 6/10 – Liam in Europe is consistency. Liam getting exposed in Europe is a personal battle he wins despite being the stooge for some woeful passing than had him under pressure and facing up cul-de-sacs. Thankfully the Barndarigg Beckenbauer gene maintains vital composure. But we all know what Liam’s nightmares must consist of.

GET CARTER – 6/10 – Effective at right back; maybe more than centre, due to the freedom it gave him to motor at their lines. Another who’s not part of the problem when he’s on his game.

Callum McGregor arrives at Celtic Park ahead of the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD2 match between Celtic FC and SC Braga at Celtic Park on October 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 4/10 – Calmac is stifled. By these tactics. By his solo role amid athletic frenzies across the most sought-after territory on the pitch. His isolation – although not planned tonight, but came to pass – means he’s bereft of forward-momentum and maintains equilibrium by ball-retention; hence we’re recycling back and side in multiples of unnecessary rotations. Not a lot he can personally do to remedy his situation; not while he’s paddling around in there frantically trying to keep himself and us above water, never mind imposing upon the game or creating chances.

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SAINT BERNARDO – 4.5/10 – Not the impact we hoped for. It appeared for the opening spell that Paulo would add some quality dig in beside Calmac but positionally he began to wander; could have done with more discipline and a defined role for him. Once he’d drifted out of synch their midfield stepped in and stepped up and we lost a grip until the beginning of the second-half.

NYLON – 3/10 – Nope. Still not convinced this happy gaucho is any use beyond throttling SPL jobbers. Tends to float in and out of bigger games, and in the case of tonight, floating in was witnessed less than William Wilton’s full yacht.

Daizen Maeda during the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD2 match between Celtic FC and SC Braga at Celtic Park on October 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 4/10 – Daizen’s not in this dimension any more. Like some Manga anti-hero, he detached from Celtic reality some time ago and now lives in limbo, awaiting the passing of the next three months until he can touchdown somewhere new and revive his enthusiasm. I don’t blame him. He’s done enough in his time here. The honour’s been ours, but he’s in need of a benching and his position up for grabs.

Kelechi Iheanacho of Celtic celebrates scoring his team’s first goal, which was later ruled out during the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD2 match between Celtic FC and SC Braga at Celtic Park on October 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

ITCHYCOO PARK – 6/10 – Right, a question for UEFA – does this man have a penis growing out of his left buttock?Because he doesn’t have a hand growing out of his flaming face, yet your AI-enhanced wackaday VAR seems to think he does. Not fully-fit but still has the centre’s instinct and finishing prowess. The goal was a striking classic. The nonsense around it, surreal.

TUTANKHAMUN – 6.5/10 MOTM – Just edges the man-most-likely-to, on a night of many why-are-they-even-wearing-The-Hoops impostors. Whenever he was on the ball the Mikey-J-with-a-bit-extra vibes abounded. Is he? Well, did provide the most swashbuckling of the night’s Celtic moments and was only denied by a great save from rescuing things. We didn’t go to him nearly as much as we would have benefitted from, so the ultimate verdict on him remains, currently, not proven.

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SUBS –

Reo Hatate arrives at Celtic Park ahead of the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD2 match between Celtic FC and SC Braga at Celtic Park on October 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

HAKUNA HATATE – N/A – Liveliest Reo’s looked in a while. Unfortunately, he was a mhan alone.

JAMESY – N/A – Did you see how sparse the away section was? Because a thousand of the missing were hot Portuguese burds, and Jamesy kept them locked in his (quite spacious) sex dungeon until full-time. He did his bit.

SCRATCHY – 5.5/10 – Appeared at half-time, raised some eyebrows and raised spirits with his nifty interplay before being afflicted with the overall malaise.

Dane Murray’s clearance is deflected past Kasper Schmeichel during the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD2 match between Celtic FC and SC Braga at Celtic Park on October 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

GREAT – N/A – Strange choice to throw in a kid centre-half at right-back when you’re chasing a game. But who knows better than the elite manager? Bhoy was unlucky at their deflected-in second. Another who wasn’t the problem.

THE TERMINATOR – N/A – Just give us a single impactful performance beyond the peculiar phoning-in appearances of late.

Brendan Rodgers arrives at Celtic Park ahead of the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD2 match between Celtic FC and SC Braga at Celtic Park on October 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 4/10 – Where do you start – with condolences at being on the end of that incredible incompetence? Or with critique over implementation of fresh players and the tactical nuances not quite tweaking properly, making you sound like that bloke who pontificates on long-established Celtic blogs yet never grasps the true root cause… Or just with blunt facts – that he’s coached the goals out of a squad that spent the last four years terrorising all of domesticity and many notable European big dawgs, and is presiding over another of his third-season fades into abject mundanity where neither he nor his players are able to find the motivation required to compete and prevail at higher levels. Yeah, we’ll go with the third conjecture this evening.

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Referee Tobias Stieler during the UEFA Conference League 2024/25 Quarter Final First Leg match between Djurgarden and SK Rapid at Stockholm Arena on April 10, 2025 in Stockholm, Sweden. (Photo by Michael Campanella/Getty Images)

MIBBERY – 9/10 – Well, we might not have witnessed a Celtic classic, but we did witness the worst concocted, convoluted, catastrophic and downright bewilderingly sweary word witted piece of decision-making ever seen in professional sport. Tobias Stieler, Christian Dingert, Lasse Koslowski, Mark Borsch, Timo Gerach, Pol van Boekel. Remember those names. The utterly incompetent the likes of which we’ve never seen before. Or if you want the shorthand – (maybe not- Ed, they’ll get the picture).

Ricardo Horta of Sporting Braga celebrates scoring his team’s first goal during the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD2 match between Celtic FC and SC Braga at Celtic Park on October 02, 2025.(Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

OVERALL – 3/10 – Okay, the game swung on the worst call since Emperor Hirohito answered the phone to Harry S. Truman on 6th August 1945 and laughed, “Me no believe you! And ‘Enola Gay’ is just big plane full of…, Ha!” Allegedly. But lunacy of officialdom aside, this Celtic side has become a chore. There’s so much emphasis on possession that it trumps any adventure. Tedium is the new medium… Bravery plays second fiddle to caution and our basic building blocks aimlessly span side-to-side instead of contriving to produce some elaborate architecture higher up the field of play (that’s ‘pitch’ for anyone of more vanilla literary terminology…).

We don’t look like running away with ties, more like a side who’d surprise itself by scoring then fret about giving away the lead. Who disposed of the daring? Who stifled the swashbuckling? Football’s live theatre, elevated to something special by the players who get to grace the stage and thrill the audience.

Paradise has the greatest of amphitheatres and the most engaged of spectating public. Yet our performers currently look like they’ve sneaked on to change the set and want off again before anyone notices. We need some gallusness. We need some bad flaming attitude and a grudge against anything not in the Hoops. We’re too placid, too amiable and too much of a soft touch. Drop the simping, and load up on the swagger. Because you won’t get many more debacles like tonight before the curtain’s brought down.

Go Away Now

Sandman

Danny McGrain, David Potter & Willie Fernie – what a combination!

Celtic in the Eighties by David Potter. Out now, order your copy at Celticstarbooks.com

Celtic in the Eighties and Willie Fernie – Putting on the Style both by David Potter. Photo The Celtic Star

Danny McGrain has now signed the final batch of Celtic in the Eighties. Ordering is simple, just place your order for Celtic in the Eighties at celticstarbooks.com/shop and we’ll do the rest, ensuring your copy is signed by Danny and a complimentary Willie Fernie book dispatched by the next working day, whilst stocks last.

Celtic 3-0 St Mirren, Scottish Premier League, Celtic Park, 15 May 1982.Celtic captain Danny McGrain collects the championship trophy as Roy Aitken looks on. Photo The Celtic Wiki

Danny McGrain signing copies of Celtic in the Eighties by David Potter. Photo: Celtic Star Books

Please note that stocks are now running very low indeed and the book will NOT be reprinted. Click on the image below to order. Please note that postage will only be charged on ONE book.

Celtic in the Eighties by David Potter. Out now on Celtic Star Books. Click on image above to order.

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