Germany 2026 are now basically England and that’s got to hurt | OneFootball

After decades of four-star World Cup dominance, Germany today face the reality of being something they never thought they could ever be: England.

Germany’s exit to Paraguay played out like a chapter from the old Three Lions playbook. A team with reputation and ego that their talent and creativity could never match were humbled again on the biggest stage.

Uninspiring and unsurprising though it was through 120 minutes, at least Germany always had penalties.

Their pedigree from the spot was as daunting for Paraguay as it was England and everyone else down the decades. Not only had Germany never lost on penalties at a World Cup; they had not missed even one spot-kick in a finals shoot out in 44 years.

Then they missed three in six to shred the remnants of their old aura. And what Germany are left with is something an awful lot like the hand-wringing and self-loathing England have endured almost in parallel with Die Mannschaft’s dominance.

It must be stated here that from Germany’s struggles, we take no pleasure. Actually, from a personal perspective, it’s f***ed up.

With children as eligible to play for Germany as they are England – both infants when the fourth star was won in 2014 – here was an excuse to finally root for the winning team on the world stage.

But, no. As soon as I board the bandwagon, the wheels fall off. It’s hard not to take that personally.

But Germany’s failures are now systemic. Ingrained even. With two group stage exits and now this humiliation in the three tournaments since their last triumph, they must be. And it all looks awfully familiar.

Tickers nailed it while Julian Nagelsmann’s side were flailing in the face of Paraguay’s stubborn resistance: this Germany team is what the doom-mongers here believe England to be.

And, dare we say, are England, with our Bavarian-born manager and recent record of going deep in tournaments, now more Germany than Germany?

Maybe we should give ourselves more credit but we’re down on the Three Lions because, well, history. Sixty years of hurt can’t be fully healed by eight or so of hope. Pessimism is self-preservation. Until we win something, it’s who we are, mate.

England, under German management, did not impress in the group stage but amid the inherent negativity, there are reasons to maintain hope that the Three Lions will build momentum and justify their place among the favourites.

Germany did not have that prior to this tournament and certainly not once the action got underway, despite scoring seven in their opener to conjure memories of that night in Belo Horizonte.

What hope they carried to the United States was born of their assumed authority, developed by a dozen top-three finishes at the World Cup. If they didn’t win it, they were never far off.

Now they are. Germany are way, way off. The tables really have turned.

The difference between them now and England then, perhaps, is the Germans’ tendency to face up to failure and address whatever is necessary to correct their course. But that might just be a lazy stereotype which is no longer relevant. Now we wait to see their reaction.

Immediately, Germany is furious.

Bild called it a ‘disastrous, truly awful performance’ against Paraguay. ‘Slow. Boring. Lethargic. It’s another German football nightmare!’

Die Zeit also leaned into a ‘lack of imagination’ – ‘They have lost all sense of their former glory’ – while Suddeutsche Zeitung called this humiliation more ’embarrassing’ than the last one in Qatar.

Sounds awfully familiar, doesn’t it? And just to emphasise the similarity, the Germans’ shame and anger is exacerbated by the injustice of Jonathan Tah’s extra-time goal being ruled out. Stop laughing, Frank Lampard.

When the dust settles, Germany must decide what to do with Nagelsmann: keep faith in the 38-year-old, or turn to Jurgen Klopp?

Klopp showed it’s not just in England where pundits can be counter-productive. The ex-Liverpool boss apologised to Nagelsmann for his overbearing presence in the United States and though he branded himself an ‘idiot’ for undermining the current boss, we also recognise Klopp to be clever enough to know exactly what he’s doing. He’s misbehaving because he’s bored and wants back in.

The clamour for Klopp will probably be too great to ignore, and that is no bad thing. Like England in the wake of, well, any major tournament between 1992 and 2018, Germany needs to learn to like its national team before the public can begin to trust it again.

That’s considerably more likely with Klopp because under Nagelsmann, Germany are no fun. And he doesn’t seem to be enjoying it either.

Nor do the players. And there is some talent among them, especially in attack. Kai Havertz, Florian Wirtz, Jamal Musiala, Leroy Sane…all title winners somewhere, three of the four having moved for big, big money, the best player being the one who hasn’t.

Outsiders might reasonably question the character and certainly the depth at Nagelsmann’s disposal. Which, in England, would make this the perfect time for a root and branch review if the DFB hadn’t already had a couple, before each of the major tournaments they hosted in 2006 and 2024.

Germany will inevitably get introspective once the anger and embarrassment fades. And amid the misery of contemplating ‘when did we become England?’, they have to cling to the consolation that at least they aren’t Italy before going again under Klopp.