Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v theRangers | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SANFRANSEV…

Celtic goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel. Celtic v theRangers, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 16 March 2025 Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 5/10 – Our friendly ghost looked haunted himself – maybe haunted by himself – as he began teeing up Zombie chances then pulling off top saves from them. Overall, though, he too appeared afflicted by the general lack of purpose and direction that cost us so dear, although he did avoid invoking the spectre of Ian Andrews and settled for just conceding the three.

SCHLUPP THE ‘RA – 5/10 – Ah, at last a weakness – Jeff can’t jump. Startlingly out-leapt by floating hobbit Ratskin for a nightmare start. Fluke? Nope – later bailed by Kasper after a similar failure from one of their corners. Almost made amends in the second-half resurgence with a rasping strike, but wasn’t the imposing strength we’ve seen in his appearances so far.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 2/10 – A calamitous day as the Marauding Moose transforms into the Disastrous Donkey. Probably AJ’s most ineffectual and negative performance of the season – seemed essentially detached mentally, at significant moments in the game. After a slog of a first 45 where he struggled to link with Kuhn effectively, the second brought his crucial errors to a climactic, costly nadir – slipping at a long ball, missing the recovery tackle that would have stopped the winner, then blowing a redemptive chance at the very death by smashing the roof off the Jock Stein with the roof of the net beckoning. A nightmare indeed.

Cameron Carter-Vickers of Celtic holds off Cyriel Dessers of the Rangers as Celtic goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel catches the ball. Celtic v theRangers, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 16 March 2025 Photo: Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

GET CARTER – 5/10 – Dogged and ultimately undone by indecision. Was it due to his regular defensive partners being absent? Can’t say that because their replacement was excellent. But CCV’s unusual lack of commanding presence was illustrated at the depressing duck out of a long ball challenge and thus facilitate the winner; when in doubt clear it out.

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Maik Nawrocki moves in as Cyriel Dessers battles for the ball with Cameron Carter-Vickers during the Scottish Premiership match at Celtic Park, Celtic v theRangers, 16 March 2025. Photo O Rourke/Shutterstock

APOLLO CREED – 7/10 – Wouldn’t you know it – big ‘not Rocky’ gets a gig by default and ONCE MORE shows his regular omission up for the bizarre reluctance on the manager’s part to incorporate his qualities; and he’s got plenty. First game since Prince Charles sent in his special-teams butler ‘pillowface’ to make his mother ‘more comfortable’. And, ridiculously, Maik was the only defender properly on his game, bailing out others and his keeper; coming close to scoring too with a header he’d hope to have done better with, and might have but for rustiness. I’ve said it before – go check, pedants – but it’s a mystery why he’s unfavoured. Never can recall him letting us down when called upon – and it seems to have been in from the freezer, never mind cold.

One thing he seems to have an edge over others on – he’s a big game player and was straight in with the urgency and commitment required; No nonsense defending and physical domination. If he’s canned again after this, you’ve got to wonder what the hell’s going on?

Arnie Engels of Celtic and Ianis Hagi of theRangers during the Scottish Premiership match at Celtic Park, Celtic v theRangers, 16 Mar 2025 O Rourke/ Shutterstock

THE TERMINATOR – 5.5/10 – So can young Arne fill the McGregor boots? No. Not yet, at any case. Once he’s shaken the fugue like the rest, he got in synch with Luke and Reo and we had a sweet period of domination that was defined by a superbly-worked equaliser involving the three of them. But we failed collectively to capitalise on that and slay the reeling zombies. He’ll be disappointed that he lost the grip on the middle before the required killer blow could be struck.

Vaclav Cerny of theRangers & Luke McCowan of Celtic. Celtic v theRangers, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 16 March 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 5.5/10 – He too, like Arne, took a while to shake the lethargy and the Zombie press. When he did hit a flow, however, it looked like we’d run away with the game; slid in a peach of a pass for Reo to equalise and but for the run of the ball may have scored himself on a couple of occasions. But it didn’t happen, and the sucker-punch leaves him and the others looking like lightweights who failed to land the winning blows in their big moments.

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Reo Hatate of Celtic celebrates scoring to tie the game 2-2 with Adam Idah of Celtic. Celtic v theRangers, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 16 March 2025 Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

HAKUNA HATATE – 7.5/10 MOTM – The ONLY Hooped hero who appeared to have his touch in from the start: that stunning strike producing the save of the game, and watch closely on 20 minutes – looking suave, in the groove, turning superbly, seeking a cohort. But despite lovely spatial play in the first-half, his endeavours fell short until the rest around him tuned-in later. So after the break we got peak Reo carving them open, nailing the equaliser and closing in on a spectacular winner. Unfortunately mostly everyone else just couldn’t maintain the level of quality he’d found and his deserved and self-engineered triumph didn’t come to pass.

Nicolas Kuhn of Celtic and Ridvan Yilmaz of theRangers during the Scottish Premiership match at Celtic Park, Celtic v theRangers, 16 March 2025. Photo O Rourke/Shutterstock

TAKINTE – 3/10 – What’s become of the German Jinky? Should have been Ridvan on toast for lunch but somehow the appearance of the Narnia escapee spooked Nick and not once did we get a Kuhn glide or uplifting piece of magic despite him being in dangerous possession several times and appearing on the brink of conjuring something. Incredibly disappointing.

Daizen Maeda of Celtic celebrates scoring his team’s first goal during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and theRangers at Celtic Park on March 16, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – Irrepressible Daizen does it again; terrific leap to nod us back in the game. Seemed to be leading the comeback assault and had Tavpen squealing like a pig for most of that second period. But our lack of service to him overall was criminal, and costly – no blame on him for today’s outcome.

Jota and Nicolas Kuhn of Celtic during the Scottish Premiership match at Celtic Park, Celtic v Rangers, 16 March 2025 Photo O Rourke Shutterstock

NOTEBOOK – 7/10 – Whit? Subbed? The flaming ringleader of the Uprising? The mhan with the dancing feet and talent who was neglected for the opening half hour until we realised Nick and AJ were a worse double act than Burke and Hare for disposing of the deid. So Jota took it upon himself to single-handedly get into them – mad electric bursting runs with flailing limbs had them all at sea, defending desperately, keeper performing acrobatics and ultimately undid them as his perfect pitch laid on Daizen’s header. HE was the instigator, the twisted fire-starter and HE should have stayed on the park and be let run free like some hybrid of 80s popster and chainsaw-slaying Ash of Evil Dead fame; designed to ‘Skelp…

But no. Ego intervened. More of THAT later…

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SUBS –

YING – 6/10 – Maybe the wrong man too late. Half-time for him would have been justified as he got stuck in when he appeared; not enough time to impact as well as his promise showed but still a lot more than others…

Vaclav Cerny of theRangers & Adam Idah of Celtic. Celtic v theRangers, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 16 March 2025 Photo Stuart WallaceShutterstock

DUNCAN IDAHO – 2/10 – Only realised when I came to write this that he was on for A WHOLE HALF of football and made virtually zero impact. You don’t want to think it’s getting close to make or break time for his Celtic career but questions will be asked after this no-show that only succeeded in making us pine for Kyogo and wonder why the sub wasn’t subbed…

Brendan Rodgers, Manager of Celtic, looks on prior to the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and theRangers at Celtic Park on March 16, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

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THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 4/10 – Well, the boss’s crown is slipping. And he looks like he knows it. Yet, will he do anything to counter the intransigence costing his reputation dearly? He’s being bailed out by Ange’s signings and his are stuttering poorly. The Idah half-time sub today was debatable, probably agreeable BUT but hooking Jota on 69 minutes with Idah still on the park and invisible… Well, to hell with that. Nobody likes to see a sub subbed, but when the ego sacrifices a born ‘Skelper at a pivotal time to save such face, then there’s deservedly no hiding place. It was a crazy call. And probably cost us the game.

Daizen back down the middle for the last twenty and Jota and Yang flying on the wings and the Zombies are pinned and eviscerated. Instead, we lost a major piece of the armoury who was terrifying them and needs only a brief flurry of monumental seconds to win a game.

It’s almost a microcosm of last season’s reluctance to play Kyogo – and play TO Kyogo – only taking the title when he did. Hopefully now that the ego’s been duly humbled, the ruthless Broge can reassert psychological dominance and utilise the power of the id to set things right before the season’s done. And that concludes your Freudian analysis for another miserable Sunday…

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MIBBERY – 5/10 – Ah, the reluctance to book their captain early – so Ratskin gets away with blatant shirt-hauling and the tone’s set for dirty players like Diamante to freewheel and MMA around the park. Not that we were anything but culpable for our own downfall but the glee sensed among the MIBS at how things were unfolding was probably most apparent with the absence of VAR interference. Nothing to see here, Bhoys…

Celtic players in a huddle before kick off with theRangers fans inside Celtic Park for the first time in two years. Celtic v theRangers, ScottishPremiership, Celtic Park, 16 March 2025 Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

OVERALL – 4/10 – So can we all now come to some sort of comprehension – no Calmac, no party? All the doubters who’ve critiqued the skipper’s presence on occasion now got a taste of the void his absence can leave when there’s nobody capable of conducting the orchestra and the rogue elements from Govan get a field day. So we played in fits and starts without consistent tempo or intensity or anyone calling the shots on-field. And the manager decides to sabotage the comeback with the worst sub decision since the Belgrano radar operator shrugged, ‘Nah, looks like a lilo.”

Peter Lawwell, Chairman of Celtic, Dermot Desmond, Non-Executive Director of Celtic, and Michael Nicholson, CEO of Celtic, are seen in attendance prior to the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and theRangers at Celtic Park on March 16, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

With the away dugout populated by characters from a Kenneth Grahame book, Wee Barra Bawbag, Dildoddsy, Rapley and Ratty – The Wind In The Williams – the Paradise stage was set for an epic ‘Skelping Sunday. There was also a little enclave of evil tucked away in a corner of the stadium for the first time in a while, all bouncing around their cage with unhealthy excitement like abused circus animals. And I thought we’d be able to roll out the beloved classic, ‘Go home ya…come full time. Not so. The Bhoys malfunctioned, restarted, then collapsed. A lapse against the comedy tribute act has never been cause for too much concern until this season where it’s occurred a few too many times to be ignored.

Celtic v theRangers stats

Not often these players – and management team – let us down in the big games but they did today; and it was evident from the dreadful start, lingered throughout a patchy effort to knit some cohesive passages of play together, and was smacked home like a slap in the gub at the very end. No excuses – they stumbled about Paradise as if it was an opium den, chasing Blue Meanies instead of dragons and fell upon swords of their own making; particularly galling for the samurai among us, I’d presume.

They’ve been lauded all to hell and back for their exploits to date but the polish is still to be applied and the history books published. Half the team need a kick up the backside and the management need to snap out of favouritism and get back down to ruthless business; the business of putting the Zombies back in their box and the silverware securely in the Celtic trophy cabinet.

Go Away Now

Sandman

Celtic in the Thirties by Celtic Historian Matt Corr is published in two volumes by Celtic Star Books. Photo: The Celtic Star.

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