The 10 funniest/most unfortunately named footballers in the game’s history | OneFootball

Whatever your age, seeing a footballer with an amusing name can take you back to secondary school and the basest level of humour.

The unfortunate players in question have no control over their name and some are only funny when translated into English. But this isn’t a piece for nuance.

We’ve dug through several hundred squads’ lists to bring you the numbers that made us suppress a chuckle.

Jakob Wanker

The 18-year-old forward recently signed a contract extension with Austrian side LASK, an announcement that triggered a deluge of posts from content aggregator pages.

He’s surely destined to be captain one day, as he’s guaranteed to win the pre-match toss.

Juankar

The former Malaga and Real Betis defender is called Juan Carlos, but had Juankar on the back of his shirt.

When did ‘Juankar’ become a derogatory term anyway? If you think about it, it’d be more concerning if you weren’t one.

Nortei Nortey

Sensational stuff, pipping Nyron Nosworthy to the coveted ‘best footballer name with the initials NN’ trophy.

Nortey is a midfielder for Dagenham & Redbridge, who have just been taken over by KSI in football’s latest drift from working-class sport to relentless content-making machine.

Stefan Kuntz

Kuntz played a decisive role in Germany’s Euro 96 triumph, scoring the equaliser against England in that heartbreaking semi-final.

His name caused British commentators to break into a cold sweat; Trevor Brooking took great care to perfect the German pronunciation, sounding like a RADA student auditioning for Emmerdale.

While John Motson finally cracked with a foul-mouthed tirade during one group match. It’s a good job social media wasn’t a thing in 1996.

Danny Shittu

Hilarious, but have you seen the size of the man?

You could give us 10 pints of liquid courage and we’d still resist the opportunity to make jokes to his face.

The former Watford defender had initially planned to study computer science before entering the game. He wrote to over 90 clubs before Charlton eventually took a punt on him.

Jizz Hornkamp

Seeing the name ‘Jizz Hornkamp’ takes us back to the summer of 2022 when Nottingham Forest unleashed bantergeddon by attempting to sign him.

The Dutch striker previously went viral for scoring four times in 30 minutes during a 2021 Eredivisie match, clearly no respecter of clean sheets anywhere.

He’s now at AZ Alkmaar, earning a move in January 2026 after his prolific form for Heracles.

Kevin Lasagna

Even your nan can appreciate this one. A tasty footballer with layers to his game (no, we won’t apologise), Lasagna is currently at Serie B club Padova.

It remains an eternal frustration that Lasagna never played for Bologna. He’s 32, but surely there’s still time to make it happen?

Christian Fuchs

Zero given. Naturally.

Fabian Assman

Assman is a 39-year-old Argentinian goalkeeper who has played for several clubs, most notably Independiente and Velez Sarsfield.

He’s also a rejected South Park character, the construct of a bored 13-year-old in double Maths or a connoisseur depending on your outlook.

Ralf Minge

The 65-year-old sporting director of Dynamo Dresden made 36 appearances for East Germany during his playing days.

Minge was also everyone’s first assistant manager appointment on Championship Manager back in the day. Ahem.