The World Cup pundits we would happily never hear from again | OneFootball

As the World Cup drifts hazily off into our collective memory, soon to be nothing more than a collection of Trump memes and Balogun Farragos and what will eventually be surprisingly difficult pub quiz questions about who scored the goals in England 6-4 France or any detail whatsoever from the final, all that remains is to issue the decisive verdict on the pundits.

That is, as ever, the real quiz. Now we could waste time talking about the good. About Emma Hayes’ tactical acumen – which we already did to be fair – or the quiet gimlet-eyed effectiveness of Jobi McAnuff on ITV’s ‘B-side’ games, or become the 15th people to tell you this week how the increasingly avuncular Wayne Rooney had grown into punditry impressively well even before his iconic assessment of the half-time show at the final or that Joe Hart has become a safer pair of hands on the sofa than he ever was between the sticks.

We could ponder the imponderable of just how knowing Danny Murphy’s astonishingly Karl Pilkington tales of Bob the Cat actually were.

We could even spend time considering the eternal ITV v BBC debate, a battle ITV were winning handily until slightly losing their nerve and touch over the closing days of the tournament, the Beeb roaring back into contention at the business end after abandoning its WFH policy.

But tits to all that. Nobody cares. The big takeaway after a major tournament is always this: who could we happily never hear from ever again. These are they.

Gary Neville

This one is very specific. We will happily continue to hear Gary Neville pontificate on football in general and the Premier League, ideally next season having to make those funny noises he emits any time Cristian Romero does a tackle, or charges recklessly upfield, or looks at someone funny, or breathes with the great man alongside Lisandro Martinez for Man United as well as Argentina as the best worst centre-back pairing on earth.

That’s all fine. But we don’t want to hear him ever again being soft on the USA and the causes of the USA because it is in his media-empire-building interest to do so. It’s just so very disappointing from English football’s shop steward.

Olivier Giroud

Right up there with Turkey, Uruguay and pretty much every qualifier from Asia as the tournament’s biggest disappointment and letdown.

The BBC spent the early weeks of the tournament determinedly, understandably but forlornly trying to make Giroud a thing. It simply never worked. We don’t know if they only had him on a short-term deal from the start or just quietly gave up, but he was far less visible in the latter stages of the tournament and it’s no surprise at all that the Beeb’s coverage improved significantly from that point.

Simply never uttered one single interesting observation throughout a three-week spell when he seemed to never leave his spot in the middle of the BBC’s Salford sofa of despair. And all delivered in a monotone, nasal voice that simply doesn’t match his face or whole persona.

We’re probably being harsh because we genuinely thought he would be good which makes it so much worse. The BBC should have just let him keep his spot on the sofa looking chiselled and wearing pleasing knitwear items while never actually asking him to speak or contribute. That way everyone would be happy. Including, we suspect, Olivier.

As ever, there is a small amount of mitigation for the second language factor, but it is only small. Nobody is forcing anyone to do second-language punditry, and plenty of others manage to do English punditry perfectly well despite their first language being French (Vieira, Henry), German (Hitzlsperger) or Australian (Big Ange).

Thomas Frank

This one is very personal, and we fully accept the consensus across the media – many of whom love dear old Thomas so much that they still inexplicably think he actually left a fair amount of the Spurs bed unshat – is that he is the ultimate Spoke Well, I Thought merchant.

But the reality is that he did sh*t the entirety of that bed. And that a professional bed besh*tting of that scale should require a period of quiet reflection, perhaps in the mountains of Tibet, but absolutely definitely very far away from specifically my TV screen pontificating on the failings of others.

Didn’t even have the wit to drink from an ITV mug at any point, which could at least have salvaged something from the situation.

Lee Dixon

Tricky one, is Lee. We don’t actually hate him as much as many seem to. He’s not unlistenably awful. We just don’t quite understand how it’s happened and why there seems to be no questions asked at the highest levels of ITV about how it’s happened.

We demand to know precisely how Dixon, a man who was previously a tactically competent but almost entirely unremarkable and forgettable pundit has risen to the heights of ITV’s unchallenged No. 1 co-commentator for the biggest games. Worse still, he commits the cardinal and unforgivable Lawro Offence of not even seeming to particularly enjoy any of it.

At least the BBC’s resident misery guts Danny Murphy might suddenly drop new Bob the Cat lore or even whole new characters if you’re lucky. All you’ll get from Dixon is another chunter about drinks breaks.

We suppose having to be at ground zero for every single one of Sam Matterface’s toe-curling commentary bits, bits he no longer even pretends not to have scripted well in advance, is enough to make anyone miserable. And it was notable that Dixon was much improved when he also had the waspishly jovial Ally McCoist to bounce off.

But still. In an otherwise very, very good tournament for ITV, the insistence on the Matterface-Dixon axis as their top commentary team was a source of constant teeth-grinding bafflement.

Duncan Ferguson

We’re not even happy with ourselves for this one. And Ferguson is at least gets credit for being the antithesis of Dixon in that he does seem to actually enjoy and relish the job. We’re just not sure he always realises that it is actually a job.

He’s always clearly having a good time, but once you notice that he almost never offers any insight of his own but rather echoes a previous pundit’s point in slightly more astonished tones, it can swiftly become quite grating at 3am after a weather delay.