Greedy Gordon angers Trippier as ‘unhappy’ Newcastle star shrugs vs Champions League ‘imposters’ | OneFootball

“It’s appalling,” Ally McCoist said after 15 minutes, genuinely quite angry at what he was watching in the Champions League knockouts from Qarabag, with Newcastle two goals to the good having missed a further three gilt-edged chances.

“This could be anything,” he added when Anthony Gordon was played in on goal for a third time only to be thwarted by the outstretched leg of goalkeeper Mateusz Kochalski. By half-time we wondered if the most jovial of all football co-commentators would be able to drag himself from the pit of despair Qarabag had plunged him into.

As it’s a tie which leads to a game against either Barcelona or Chelsea in the last 16 of the Champions League, Eddie Howe and his players will be delighted to have flown 2,529 miles and swatted their opponents aside with such ease, but if this was a pre-season friendly they would be frustrated by the lack of challenge. There will be Newcastle players leaving Baku on Wednesday wondering if they’ve ever played a worse team in their senior careers. It’s hard to stress just how bad the hosts were.

Chelsea should be ashamed of themselves for drawing 2-2 with this lot in November. It was like Newcastle were faced with a group of footballers who had many of the skills required – they can control the ball, pass the ball – but have never played an actual game of football in their lives.

The concept of tracking runners was alien to them, as was the possibility of an opposition team pressing or playing one-twos, which they appeared to deem not in the spirit of the game such was their aversion to doing anything to combat them.

As McCoist said when Gordon was brought down in the box to win a penalty he would convert to score his fourth(?!) goal in the first half and make it 5-0 to Newcastle, “this is unbelievable”. He should genuinely have had six, Harvey Barnes could easily have had a hat-trick of his own.

The first three goals all featured some lax defending, but were ones we’ve at least seen before at this level: a nice through ball from Dan Burn and lovely finish into the far corner from Gordon; a great cross from Kieran Trippier and a well-directed header from Malick Thiaw; a penalty given for a handball that wasn’t (very Champions League, that one).

But goals four and five made us question whether Steve McManaman was right in the TNT Sports studio at half-time in suggesting that a side that somehow beat both Benfica and Copenhagen at the start of their Champions League campaign had been replaced by “a bunch of imposters”.

Gordon robbed Kevin Medina before rounding the goalkeeper and poking the ball in, and then pounced for a second time on a defensive blunder before winning another penalty, which he again converted, to Trippier’s great displeasure.

No lip readers required when the captain’s having strong words with a hat-trick hero as he prepares for a penalty when a £65m striker (albeit playing as a No.10 here) is on the pitch after a run of one goal in 13 appearances.

Nick Woltemade – ‘unhappy’ at Newcastle according to reports from Germany this week – didn’t look at all bothered, but Gordon and Trippier had to be kept apart by their teammates as they walked off at half-time, despite their team already scoring more goals in a Champions League game than any other Newcastle XI in history.

It’s also been claimed that Newcastle are ‘open’ to selling the summer signing, but Woltemade looked good again in that No.10 role despite being bypassed a fair bit in those opening stages. Him getting as many touches as possible in that deeper position works when there’s someone like Gordon to push the defence beyond him.

He will be frustrated at not scoring though, and at only having one tame headed opportunity, as will Anthony Elanga, who also won’t have enjoyed his replacement Jacob Murphy coming off the bench to score Newcastle’s sixth and final goal of a game which petered out in the second half as Qarabag – bless them – scored a goal of their own to draw the second 45 minutes.

Probably not enough from them though as they prepare to make up a five-goal deficit at St James’ Park next week, when we suspect Woltemade will be the designated penalty-taker for a Gordon-less Newcastle, who can now look forward to either Barcelona or Chelsea in mid-March after quite possibly the most one-sided knockout game in the tournament’s history.