Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Mississippi Mud Pie | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ MISSISSIPPI MUD PIE..

Viljami Sinisalo at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

VINDALOO – 6.5/10 MOTM – Celtic keeper gets MOTM for keeping the score down in a title run-in crunch game versus bottom six strugglers. That line in itself sums up that fucking disgrace.

Colby Donovan of Celtic controls the ball under pressure from Will Ferry of Dundee United during the Scottish Premiership match between Dundee United and Celtic at Tannadice Park on March 22, 2026. (Photo by Zak Mauger/Getty Images)

MELLOW YELLOW – 2.5/10 – Calm down, kid, for heaven’s sake. With Azteco unavailable again due to his promotional tour for the new Spiderman movie, the raw Bhoy was in again. Eager and competitive but exhibiting signs of ADHD with every ballooned cross or mis-hit pass. Crowned his miserable day by busting a knee taking out a steward and advertisement for a product he didn’t like.

Kieran Tierney of Celtic shoots under pressure from Luca Stephenson and Emmanuel Agyei of Dundee United during the Scottish Premiership match between Dundee United and Celtic at Tannadice Park on March 22, 2026. (Photo by Zak Mauger/Getty Images)

KATIE – 4/10 – We needed inspiration and hopefully KT could provide it…Or not. Never flinched, though – produced one of our only flourishes with great feet to set himself a chance he skied.

Liam Scales at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

OF JUSTICE – 4/10 – To be honest, haters, Liam too stuck at it. Bundled himself into action after conceding a lazy free-kick but spent the game dealing with far too much pressure from a side who should have been canon fodder.

Benjamin Arthur at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

PENDRAGON – 4/10 – Surprisingly retained, the Bhoy too hung in there beside the Ginger Baresi, repelling a totally indecent amount of United forays into our box as everyone else in front of the backline refused to play due to Ramadan, or something…

Callum McGregor at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

CALMAC – 2.5/10 – The skipper isn’t fit and it showed: one-pace and unable to spark himself or the team into life. The only tempo he was able to set was no more than a funeral march; very apt.

Benjamin Nygren at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

NYLON – 2/10 – Ghosted into some fine positions between their lines. Then messed up everything that came his way.

Reo Hatate inspects the pitch at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

HAKUNA HATATE – 3/10 – Reo looked quite bewildered at the lack of options around him when he got on the ball. And the movement ahead. But he failed to find the passes to incite a revival when we desperately needed him on it.

Daizen Maeda at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

LORD KATSUMOTO – 4/10 – At least there’s Daizen. All over the shop, took a yellow, missed a couple of sniffs… But even he didn’t appear to have his samurai cutting edge and he played mostly in front of their rangy defence trying to feed off scraps when we really needed some dangerous pace getting in behind them.

Yang at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

YING – 2/10 – Last week, mad ladies man, Slayer Of The Well. This week blunt, impotent and anonymous in the City Discovered From One million Years B.C, or whatever they call it.

Ross Graham of Dundee United is challenged by Kelechi Iheanacho of Celtic during the Scottish Premiership match between Dundee United and Celtic at Tannadice Park on March 22, 2026. (Photo by Zak Mauger/Getty Images)

ITCHYCOO PARK – 5.5/10 – He’s back and let’s just say deserving of a pass from me because he got hee-haw from his team-mates, save the one splendid bit of play that saw him sweetly latch onto the only decent through-ball of the game and be denied by a fine save after catching his shot just perfectly. What a game – and title changing moment that turned out to be. Play a capable striker, try kicking the ball to a capable striker on occasion. Knackered himself trying to link up players who were more interested in finding somewhere to hide most of the time.

SUBS –

Alex Oxlade Chamberlain at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

NEVILLE – N/A –Could he inject some quality? On that surface? Looked appalled.

Sebastian Tounekti at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

TUTANKHAMUN – N/A – If you though Yang was AWOL, here’s Mikey J; hold his beer.

Junior Adamu at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

YOUNG ADAMSKI – N/A – Little time, little space, little service, little impact.

James Forrest of Celtic is challenged by Will Ferry of Dundee United during the Scottish Premiership match between Dundee United and Celtic at Tannadice Park on March 22, 2026. (Photo by Zak Mauger/Getty Images)

JAMESY – N/A – At least we got a bit of dazzle from the Prestwick Pele as he attempted to salvage something from the disaster by impressing the local burds in the sunny stand bordering his wing; amused them with an air-shot…Still secured more phone numbers than we had chances. Four. And one’s dubious; It’s the beard…Then again, it’s Dundee.

Luke McCowan at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – N/A – Luke, will Luke be the saviour and torture his former team’s greatest enemies by inspiring Celtic to a comeback win? Nope.

Martin O’Neill at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE – 3/10 – Nothing worked. Not the starting eleven, not the restructuring, not the surprising omissions, not the motivation. Probably one of the most demoralising efforts from a side of his in all his epic managerial career.

Referee Nick Walsh at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

MIBBERY – 2/10 – What a laugh they had today. Still in the pub.

Celtic fans and the Celtic Board at Tannadice. Dundee Utd v Celtic. Sunday 22 March 2026. Photograph by Vagelis Georgariou

OVERALL – 0/10 – Patch that…Said the team. Soon as they saw the newly-rolled Passchendaele battlefield they had to play on. Soon as they saw the nice sunny spring Sunday they were missing by having to put the effort in to win a title. Soon as they saw the big keen lads out to bully them. Worst outing of a Celtic side since the Covid season. Least intensity I’ve ever seen from a Celtic side chasing a league title; weaselled out of every challenging moment. Failed damningly to source the inner motivation to raise their own levels.

I mean, if it’s too much effort for some of them, then I’ll start next game. I’ll last five minutes before dropping of a heart attack but my input will still have eclipsed the tepid, timid and meek application of those who disgraced the Hoops today.

Irony is we may still take the title, but they’ll have to pummel every opponent from here ’til the death. And by that collective performance this afternoon, the chances of that seem as good as they were for the young men who took to the actual Passchendaele battlefield. But at least they had the mettle to put up a fight for their lives.

Go Away Now

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