Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Romulus & Remus | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v ROMULUS & REMUS

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6.5/10 – Well, Kasper can play with his feet – if there’s one thing we tested thoroughly last night it was that. With only a couple of errors under pressure he put the majority of the outfield to shame, also remembering to throw in some goalkeeper stuff and pulling off some fine saves. Nothing he could do about the Roma strikes, bad enough, but must have felt victimised when his own players joined in – Liam’s crashing header and Negan trying to chip him.

KATIE – 4/10 – Rough justice on KT as he’s among the half-time scapegoats after a roasting through the opening half, his chances not aided by the ethereal presence up the wing from him…

Liam Scales of Celtic concedes an own goal, resulting in the first goal for AS Roma, during the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD6 match between Celtic FC and AS Roma at Celtic Park on December 11, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

OF JUSTICE – 3/10 – Scales first goal, bullet heider… And the bookies won’t pay out. What a night for Liam as the Wicklow Wonder deteriorated into the Barndarigg Bar Steward. Nods in the opener then gets evaded and rolled by big compatriot dumpling Ferguson to finish the contest by the break. Did make a fine block late on to curb the embarrassment, but by then nobody gave a flying….

Evan Ferguson of AS Roma scores his team’s second goal during the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD6 match between Celtic FC and AS Roma at Celtic Park on December 11, 2025 (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6/10 – Not sure whose decision it was but HE should have been Ferguson’s nemesis. Liam simply didn’t have the physicality to cope in the fluid seconds around the goals, but Austin was the more suitable foil. However, that didn’t transpire and he watched on while preventable damage was done. Managed to hold up his own duties quite well under severe pressure.

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CALMAC – 5/10 – Lost in space. Or, more accurately, lost in a flurry of blood-red jerseys as Roma’s midfield press showed most NFL teams exactly how to sack a quarterback. Calmac didn’t get any tempo set, or much chance to. Spent most of his night scurrying around looking for scraps until they relaxed more and he got to play. But it was too late to do any damage.

THE TERMINATOR – 4.5/10 – Don’t know anything about Belgian literature apart from TinTin, or their art culture aside from the sensual romantic genius of Rubens or Magritte’s coruscating surrealism. Har-de-har there philistines…But if there’s a metaphorical sketch for tonight’s game, let the cultured Belgian boot of young Engels provide it; summed up beautifully in one flaming penalty he’d won himself, swiped off the inside of a post and across the gaping goal like Celtic’s existential woes manifesting in that physical moment in time. But at least he cared – a bit – and showed it with a committed second 45, setting up the offside goal and generally attempting to impose himself.

NEGAN – 1/10 – Nope.

HAKUNA HATATE – 7/10 MOTM – Yup. A really fine display from Reo – the ONLY Celt looking right on his game. Sharp, alert, adept at clipping round the corner to bust their lines and setting us in action. Might have scored, looked the man most likely to and also appeared the man who most wanted to. Held his own amid their quality. Played some lovely stuff. By himself.

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LORD KATSUMOTO – 4/10 – Solo Kamikaze Daizen got the wrong end of the stick, isolated among ruthless Serie A sentinels, and hooked when he really should have been thrown out left…

TUTANKHAMUN – 2/10 – Nope. Check the OG Mikey J’s stats at a similar stage; guarantee they’re better reading.

YING – 3/10 – Hustle, some bustle, did attempt to use a bit of muscle…But ultimately out of his depth and slapped about by the Romans more than most Christian back in the day.

SUBS –

ITCHYCOO PARK – 6.5/10 – One of the half-time troubadour trio chucked in much to their dismay… But Kelechi immediately became rabble-rouser in-chief, sparking life into the rest, missing a glorious chance himself, scoring an offside belter, generally leading the line and the fight very well; hoping some of that desire and enthusiasm inspires a similar squad performance like his on Sunday.

SAINT BERNARDO – 6/10 – Well, yes. Brought some stability to the middle and was able to mostly find his own team-mates with the ball; a vast step-up from his erratic Swedish predecessor.

BALIKMORY – N/A – A comeback. After being tagged as a shiftless wonder by MON, he commendably manages to sneak on under the new boss and actually got a shot on target. Should have scored…

Colby Donovan of Celtic reacts after the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD6 match between Celtic FC and AS Roma at Celtic Park on December 11, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

MELLOW YELLOW – 6/10 – Won’t have done his future chances any harm after a competent and energetic runaround.

TONY THE TIGER – N/A – DARED the new gaffer to leave him on the bench. He bottled it.

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Wilfried Nancy, Head Coach of Celtic, shouts instructions during the UEFA Europa League 2025/26 League Phase MD6 match between Celtic FC and AS Roma at Celtic Park on December 11, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

LIONEL RICHIE – 5/10 – It’s easy at Celtic, you just need to win, they told him… Well, the new victim of the SMSM bully-boys with laptops is the Frenchman they are circle-jerking themselves into a frenzy of ridicule over. Not that he made a difference tonight. Maybe he could have, by dropping a few of Sunday’s poor performers but his punishment for continuity was a tactical and physical roasting by Roma as his chosen Celtic warriors went down like surrender monkeys by the time the lines of ching had been cut on the treatment table for the break.

His non-nonsense, and partially no-sense, big changes did give us a foothold. But possibly just a false sense of adequacy as Roma kicked-back and lit some cigars. However, let’s not crucify any new messiah until he’s at least heard the cock crow three times (see what I did there, fans of Maurice Johnston/Judas Escariot?) because he’s due a break and some luck after these past two throttlings of hope and optimism.

Third time lucky Sunday.

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MIBBERY – 3/10 – Bizarre menacing presence with the whistle and his kooky VAR team did provide some entertainment as he couldn’t help himself looking for a kick of the ball, usually when we had possession, and they spared our blushes and raised our hackles with dithering offside decisions.

OVERALL – 3/10 – Well, that was mince. And very quickly. Not even any time to get the no-mince hopes up tonight before Liam was thudding in a screamer with his handsome ginger napper and the stands were more groan than gaiety. We got rinsed because we were NEVER keyed-in mentally or physically. Fast, intense starts, maintained by focussed, sharp players is how Celtic compete with top European sides.

Dukla Pumpherston would have had us last night; Roma certainly had their wolves’ teeth on our throats and we faced an uphill battle to get back into, or make it any sort of contest once they found their rhythm. And there’s seven hills to Rome, and we’re lucky there wasn’t a goal for every one. Ultimately, total embarrassment was mercifully avoided. We blew some chances to make them question their security, and the second-half side gelled far better than the starting eleven. But there are still passengers in the team needing kicked off at the next stop.

Which is Hampden. Which is daunting for some. But not me. We’ll be doing the pumping on Sunday. That’s definitive. Trust me, I’ve got a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn…

Go Away Now

Sandman

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