Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v The Star-Spangled Spangles | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THE STAR-SPANGLED SPANGLES

“A battle is won by those who firmly resolve to win it!” Leo Tolstoy (War And Peace).

Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 8.5/10 – Kasper to the rescue. Again and again. As Buttman defied physics to keep us at bay, the laws of the football universe effected some crazy clean-cut openings for them in their rare forays up the park. Only one mhan stood between The Zombies and unhealthy glory, and that was the Schmeichel family’s finest ‘keeper; that grim arrogance he emits is a by-product of supernatural focus, a genetic trait no doubt, that means he alone is capable of making those BIG moments fall his way, and thankfully ours. Breathlessly fine goalkeeping, enhanced by some brisk, pinpoint distribution with hand and feet. Respect the vet.

Marcelo Saracchi. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

SCRATCHY – 7/10 – All busy, and plenty of energy for backing up whatever winger we had in front of him, even a danger himself when he got the overlap timed well. Was at it until spent; we might have won a prize with this cartel loanee, who’s got all the mental-ness required for a South American attacking fullback, but also seems to have a measure of discipline for actually implementing the manager’s tactical requests instead of just going on emotionally-charged rampages. Although I’ll wager he’s got a few of those in his arsenal.

Tony Ralston. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

TONY THE TIGER – 8/10 – “Tony FLAMIN’ Ralston’s the name, but you can remember me as… The Brickie”, snarled Jason Statham in his new assassin role in the movie based on the life of Celtic’s utility hero, before – ‘BAM! BAM!‘ – dishing out a lead sandwich…And Tony took what was dished out today – sex-change surgery from The Zombies’ transgender viking shield-maiden – before rising once more like an invincible spartan, ripped jockstrap exposed, groin ravaged by Arsegards manicured nails, baws bloodied, wummin-folk fainting…Central to every major incident, it seemed; and back at training tomorrow learning to fall like Del Boy through a hatch in Only Fools And Horses, which is apparently the only way now to avoid conceding a penalty against the Zombies. Yet that outrageous bit of skullduggery didn’t stop The Brickie from seeing justice done while riding a yellow for 70 minutes, still trying to batter Zombies senseless like a boss right to the very death. Glorious.

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Liam Scales during the Premier Sports Cup Semi Final match between Celtic and Rangers at Hampden Park on November 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

OF JUSTICE – 9/10 MOTM – Magnificent. Cry harder, you silly haters. What a powerhouse of a defensive performance, that in certain moments threatened to implode. But through sheer resilience and footballing wits, the Ginger Baresi managed to hold it together; incredible aerial dominance and precise positioning to aid his defensive partner whose lack of match-fitness was taking a toll. The Barndarigg Beckenbauer moments were uplifting, bursting the Zombie lines with attacking intent so often reined in this season. But the gilded highlight was the Carrot-top Cananvaro’s incredible recovery run and all-or-nothing suicidal slide to stop a certainty, picking it off the cloven hoof of his opponent with machine-tooled precision and the timing of an atomic clock.

Sponsor’s Man of the Match Auston Trusty. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 8/10 – Well, the big Yank’s beginning to win over past doubters. Written-off by many – even the manager who signed him, it seemed… – he’s in the hot-spot by default but thriving and making the best of every minute. Lack of sharpness was evident and troublesome at times. But he’s playing maxed-out while he tries to get to the levels required, and did a goddamn fine job of it, kid, as they say in them parts he hails from… Aided and abetted by Liam, their partnership was robust enough to thwart the pressure we felt as the midfield wilted after half-time. When they lapsed, Kasper was there to play his part in the holy hooped trinity. Kudos for playing to the end after collapsing and receiving treatment. Hobbling about Hampden for ten mentally and physically exhausting minutes at the end of extra-time must have been a torment while still carrying the injury sustained from trying to kick Buttman’s bobbly heid off…

Callum McGregor celebrates. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

CALMAC – 8.5/10 – It’s been a while since the Zombies got the virtuoso treatment from the skipper but this was harking back to recent glory days for the most part. Once more with a minder close-by, we got to see the skipper’s creativity and command unleashed. Conducted the orchestra for the first-half, in which we should have killed the DOBs off. Lost his grip – and ours, overall – on the game for scrappy chaotic periods after the break. But by the time karma had decided who was getting fisted today, Calmac was motoring again, and how – foot like a traction engine to disintegrate Buttman’s fingertips and scatter the Mount Florida end towards their cattle trucks. He’ll feel solidly back in his groove after this one. Keep that personal security in beside him and we’ve a chance of burning brightly through the rest of this season.

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Arne Engels. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

THE TERMINATOR – 7/10 – “Come with me if you want to live,” said Kyle Reese to Sarah Connor in The Terminator. And our Arne whispers it to Calmac as the torrid pace of the game thrashes around them…It may be a deeper role than he likes but he’s stillcapable of making forward bursts and delivering sweet balls into dangerous areas; as per our opener. Those deliveries faded with his energies this afternoon but he too made it through the 120, carrying a card for over an hour, refusing to hide, maintaining good positional discipline to get our shape back and hold the win.

VAR rule out Celtic’s opener. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

NYLON – 5.5/10 – Ach, he’s maybe got to make more of those percentages count – getting himself into the right spaces, but fluffing his lines. Was central to some neat interactions and opportunity manufacture early today, but disappeared when we required his positive presence to thwart the Zombies’ resurgence.

Sebastian Tounekti. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

TUTANKHAMUN – 5.5/10 – Good grief, make up your mind – Tunisian Mikey J or Tunisian Jinky J? Former furrowed our brows this afternoon as he failed with consistency to produce a final ball. Looked promising plenty of times, yes, but failed to ice the rack with almost every opening, leaving us bereft of killer goals and groaning like a blue-balled fluffer at a Jamesy ‘Pleasure Squad’ party.

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Johnny Kenny scores. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

KENNY JOHNNY – 7.5/10 – Kenny LARSSON, I think you’ll find, Martin… What a difference a week and a new manager makes. From the shopping bag blowing about a wet Edinburgh car park to the rapier bursting the Zombie bawbags in a Glasgow amphitheatre. Might have had a hat-trick but for the Butt-man (see what I did there, fuming Zombie fans of alliteration and porno/superheroes?). Yet the goal he did score was the best header I’ve seen in a while: marvellous leap and twist – Henrik-esque indeed – to whip Arne’s peach of a corner into the roof of the net. Extra half-point for giving it large to the fizzing ugly end while celebrating. Took a sore one early on which hampered him after a while, but not before he’d been popping up to give their backline a torrid time.

Suddenly, we have a potent striker. #1

Daizen Maeda. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 8/10 – Daizen is BACK! And you better believe it, silly-billy-boys. I commented on his warm-up antics some 20 minutes prior to k-o; all enthusiasm and electric energy. And when the game began, the real slim shady did stand up – dynamic Daizen returned with the incessant press and the sleek slicked-back hairstyle like it was cultivated in a wind-tunnel; Then you remember Daizen IS the wind…Fantastic application to the cause – too much in some moments, as he reached for his concealed samurai sword to decapitate Arseguard for neutering Tony. But what a thrill to see the player of last season re-emerge from his stupor and terrorise the Zombie Nation as only Daizen can. Will he maintain this renewal? Will he stay for the season, taking the option of no upheaval and regular football on account of Japan’s World Cup participation next summer?

If Santa’s listening…

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SUBS –

Kieran Tierney. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

KATIE – 6.5/10 – The mhan for the moment – the moment being deep into extra-time and the desperate requirement for KT and those powerful thighs (steady ladies) to run The Zombies into the dirt. That he did, providing a barnstorming finale with the sizzling assist for our third.

James Forrest. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

JAMESY – 7.5/10 – It was Halloween party night in Prestwick and Jamesy was out dazzling the lassies with his usual ‘Human Banana’ guise. “Eh? But ye’ve no’ got a costume on.” Zzzzziiippp…And today he kept up that quite sensational output, giving Satan’s Spawn a traditional Prestwick Pele runaround. Deserved more than one assist for his creative endeavours, and only the Black Goat Himself knows what sort of flaming juju that cursed crossbar was spellbound by, to prevent The Flash flashing in one himself. Marvellous marauding, Jamesy.

Reo Hatate. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

HAKUNA HATATE – 5.5/10 – Reo looked a bit lost, and had us a bit worried as he took time to settle into the game. Certainly gave them more encouragement than anticipated but he got it together eventually, despite skying a sitter to ramp up the anxiety.

Callum Osmand celebrates. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

DONNY – 7/10 – Ah, I reckoned this kid had something about him from the Falkirk cameo. And there’s pace and awareness there, even with the irony of all the summer buzz about his finishing ability running into a rock-face of reality when he fluffed his lines and blew the chance to nick a winner in normal time. But, unfazed by the grotesqueries bawling at him from half of the stadium, his dreams came true when he made amends by pouncing on KT’s excellent low ball to finish off the rabid beasts.

Suddenly, we have a potent striker. #2

BALIKMORY – N/A – Ten minutes of anonymity.

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Martin O’Neill. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE – 8/10 – Not the crushing derby debut #2 we longed for. But still a rousing performance in many ways as MON demanded “‘Mon tae…” and the Bhoys delivered. Well, half-delivered. He must have been delighted with the dominant first 45 and equally bemused by the fade after the interval. Then probably delighted again with the extra-time euthanising of the restless undead…So it really did appear to be a triumph of personality over planning, with the emotions running high, and Sean offering the calming exhortations prior to the extra period. Yet it worked, and after a season to date of slap-dash application, platitudes and internal strife, it’s good to have a leadership to be able to rally around with some enthusiasm.

Referee Nick Walsh. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

MIBBERY – 6.5/10 – Ooh, they’re a controversial bunch. Evening-up errors in real-time and still managing to gift the Zombies their standard bewildering penalty to try and save their skins in the dying minutes. Even Tony falling like Ellen Ripley into the furnace at the end of ‘Alien 3’ couldn’t match the Oscar winning straight face Little Nick kept when pointing to the spot and listening to VAR crazily try to justify it in his ear-piece through heavy breathing and strained tones as they reached the vinegar strokes: “...Heee ff-ffinnn’ m-meannnnnt iiiiittt…” Might have thought they had it in for us after that penalty, after also inventing an ‘offside’ against Daizen to cancel the poisonous Hobbit’s o.g, booking everyone in Hoops plus the entire front three rows of the Celtic End, and ignoring the attempted maiming of Johnny Larsson…

…But then again, punishing the actual maiming of Tony and excusing big Austin’s attempted beheading of Buttman. They truly are bizarre entities.

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Callum Osmand celebrates. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

OVERALL – 8/10 – The madness of it all. After the tepid non-event snoozefest at Mordor a couple of months ago, this was like a fever-dream on purest absinthe. It was Halloween on Friday, extremely apt for playing the Zombies in many obviously comical ways, but particularly appropriate today as they took more attempts to kill off than Michael Myers in titular classic old slasher movie. Feels like we’ve been jinxed against them recently, and no different this afternoon as we inexplicably retreated back into our shells after dominating but failing to land real killer blows with their throats bared.

Liam Scales. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

So they got gallus on their new manager bounce and came out swinging with nothing to lose. That the Hoops didn’t handle it with authority, disdain and merciless punishment was the only real concern. Everyone’s got a plan until they get a punch in the face, but we couldn’t land one to put them back on their lardy-asses. That ruthlessness may come back to this embattled squad with renewed confidence. And the confidence to believe themselves more than a Japanese mid-priced family car comes with the events of extra-time when we re-asserted control and maintained creative intent, ultimately being rewarded with a rousing victory.

Shaun Maloney and Martin O’Neill. Celtic v theRangers. Premier Sports Cup, semi final at Hampden. 2 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

And a win was all that mattered. As ever in a semi-final. The fact we did it with a little pirate swashbuckling, a wily old sea dog at the helm, and ravaged the Zombies’ sordid delusions of adequacy to leave them perma-ragin’ makes it all the sweeter.

Christmas Cup Final, here we come.

Go Away Now

Sandman

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Celtic in the Eighties and Willie Fernie – Putting on the Style both by David Potter. Photo The Celtic Star

Danny McGrain signing copies of Celtic in the Eighties by David Potter. Photo: Celtic Star Books

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