Ten transfers to push bitter Bayern chief over the edge: Olise, Karl, Guehi… | OneFootball

World Cup winner Uli Hoeness has been one of the great supporting characters in the Premier League story this season, offering his no-filter takes on transfers like a grandparent with their third Baileys of the evening muttering about the immigration policy in this once green and pleasant land.

The now honorary president of Bayern Munich called Newcastle’s £69m signing of Nick Woltemade “completely crazy”, suggested their record-breaking £13m loan deal of Nicolas Jackson from Chelsea was in fact good business, and can barely open his mouth without saying something salty about Liverpool landing Florian Wirtz ahead of the Bundesliga giants, most recently exposing Arne Slot’s “broken promise” over the playmaker’s shirt number.

He’s a 73-year-old man struggling to come to terms with the Premier League’s gold-laden hands reaching out into a market that Bayern have cornered for decades, plundering the cream of the crop from the Bundesliga that they have historically hoovered up to dominate that division to the tune of 20 titles this century.

“One farmer comes to another and says: I sold two cows for €50,000 each and bought four chickens for €25,000 each,” he joked through gritted teeth when discussing the inflated transfer market.

In a bid to further rattle the old man’s cage, we’ve come up with ten transfers – based mainly on the rumour mill – to encourage what we hope will be some further wonderfully bitter witterings.

Harry Kane to Chelsea A huge long shot for so many reasons, most of which are amusingly listed by the nameless ‘5 elite reporters’ working on the now infamous X account who got one thing right once, were credited by David Ornstein, and are now further buoyed to treat things overheard in a pub or proclaimed by an Uber driver as genuine transfer news.

‘Kane’s age, his hefty wages, and the length of his contract are all hurdles,’ they admit, but insist the Tottenham legend (another ‘hurdle’ they didn’t consider) is Enzo Maresca’s ‘dream target’ who can be ‘the difference-maker in Chelsea’s quest for the Premier League and Champions League titles’.

Nicolas Jackson to Bayern Munich After insisting Bayern only actually paid £11.8m as Jackson and his agent paid the rest, which is definitely actually a very good deal for a striker that would likely cost roughly £1m per goal based on his past goalscoring antics, Hoeness went on to explain why the conditions required to trigger the further £56m to make his loan deal permanent would “never” be met.

With just five starts to his name it doesn’t look hugely likely that clause will be met, but a Harry Kane injury or January move could do the trick.

Michael Olise to Arsenal Quite why Arsenal are ‘prepared to submit a record-breaking offer close to €150m (£131m)’ for a guy who’s played 173 games in his career on the right wing when they already have Bukayo Saka and have just signed a very serviceable back-up in Noni Madueke, over signing someone for the left wing, where Olise has played just nine times, isn’t entirely clear.

But we’re not here to question the validity of Fichajes’ claims, we’re here to imagine the steam cascading from Hoeness’ ears when Arsenal sign Bayern’s most valuable player just because they can.

Lennart Karl to Manchester City “It’s like Monopoly: move forward to Schlossallee [the German Mayfair], then some sheikh will come along and then you can buy,” Hoeness said during his rant on Newcastle pinching Woltemade from under their noses.

But there’s more than one sheikh in this multicultural haven (mainly featuring sheikhs and Americans) that we call the Premier League and you, Uli, will soon be forced to admit is The Greatest League In The World.

With Phil Foden and Rayan Cherki you may be asking if City even need Karl, the 17-year-old superstar taking European football by storm, but then you are again missing the point. Need and want are very different things for the clubs able to provide for these players what Bayern aren’t: silly money.

Aleksandar Pavlovic to Manchester United “Uli Hoeness sees Pavlovic as one of the crucial faces of the project for present and future,” Fabrizio Romano said after insisting there’s “absolutely nothing” to the rumours linking the midfielder with a move to Old Trafford.

It’s thus absolutely “crucial” in order to push Hoeness over the edge that Manchester United sign him for £60m as the man to fill the midfield doughnut before his inevitable plunge into the pit of despair that’s claimed the last 427 players bought to plug that hole.

Nico Schlotterbeck to Liverpool Bayern have a rich, rich history of poaching the best Bundesliga centre-backs. Mats Hummels, Niklas Sule, Dayot Upamecano, Hiroki Ito and Jonathan Tah are the notable recent examples in the last decade.

Schlotterbeck looks to be next on the block, but Liverpool’s need is far greater than theirs, and as proved by their signing of Wirtz, they are a far, far bigger (wealthier) football club.

Marc Guehi to Real Madrid “Well at least Liverpool are out of the running for Guehi, clearing the way for us to…. ah f***.”

Dayot Upamecano to Tottenham Remains to be seen whether the first-choice France centre-back, widely regarded as one of the best in Europe who’s out of contract at the end of the season would be as on board as Tottenham in effecting this payback for Bayern’s free transfer acquisition of Eric Dier.

Mike Maignan to Chelsea Chelsea’s summer chase of Maignan appears to have lit a fire under Robert Sanchez, turning him into a strangely competent goalkeeper this season, but the Frenchman – seen by the Bayern powers-that-be as an ideal replacement for Manuel Neuer – will be a free agent in the summer and can take over the domestic cup role currently played by Filip Jorgensen and ahead of the dozen or so alternatives currently on the Blues books playing elsewhere.