Don’t believe the hype – Arsenal v Chelsea is the new ‘sh*t on a stick’ derby | OneFootball

“Football is made up of subjective feeling, of suggestion,” Jorge Valdano wrote after an eye-bleeding Champions League semi-final between Liverpool and Chelsea in 2007.

“And, in that, Anfield is unbeatable. Put a sh*t hanging from a stick in the middle of this passionate, crazy stadium and there are people who will tell you it’s a work of art.

“It’s not: it’s a sh*t hanging from a stick.”

We all remember Valdano’s iconic quote. What is more pertinent in 2026 was the central criticism of his infamous Marca article.

“Chelsea and Liverpool are the clearest, most exaggerated example of the way football is going: very intense, very collective, very tactical, very physical, and very direct,’ he wrote.

“But, a short pass? Noooo. A feint? Noooo. A change of pace? Noooo. A one-two? A nutmeg? A backheel? Don’t be ridiculous. None of that.

“The extreme control and seriousness with which both teams played the semi-final neutralised any creative licence, any moments of exquisite skill.”

And here we are 19 years later, having watched Arsenal and Chelsea mudwrestle each other and wondering whether bleach or digging each eye out with a rusty spoon is our favoured option.

This really was an impoverished match at the Emirates. Both teams were muscular and overserious imitations of a proper football team, each action optimised to the most finite detail.

It was telling that both Arsenal and Chelsea players allowed the ball to run out for a corner on several occasions when keeping it in was a viable option. Each corner was cheered like they’d won the FA Cup.

Does it have to be like this? Arsenal’s disregard for aesthetics is well-documented, with the means now secondary to the ends.

It’s very much Mikel Arteta’s choice to play this way, having blinked in 2024 when a much more rounded Arsenal team were pipped to the title by Manchester City.

Their fans won’t give a solitary eff if they win the Premier League, but there is a risk of Arteta entombing himself in this reductive style of play.

We’ve never seen a title-challenging team score, take the lead, see the opposition have a player sent-off and then give a more cowardly display known to man.

Any half-decent team sees that one-man advantage, smells blood and kills the game with another couple of goals.

Arsenal looked scared of their own shadows. Perhaps this is understandable in the swirling neurosis of their situation, but being more proactive would kill a lot of these issues at source.

But what made this particular match so rubbish was Chelsea’s eagerness to join Arsenal in the trenches.

Liam Rosenior’s waffling credentials are well-established, but his insistence on informing us how much he is ‘learning’ only heightens our feeling he’s overcompensating for copying Arteta’s homework.

Chelsea at least had a shot on target during this visit to the Emirates, but that particular bar was set at ankle height.

Our contention is with online tacticos and those blinded by bullsh*t who insist Rosenior is doing a good job.

You’d need a Hubble telescope to detect much difference from the Maresca era. It seems like the same enigmatic and ill-disciplined lot to our humble eye. The jury remains out.

Billions of pounds were spent assembling Sunday’s two line-ups, only to strangle them with data and tactical instruction.

It’s this over-reliance on data and analysis that stripped away creative freedom and made so many Premier League matches unwatchable.

And that’s without an in-depth discussion on the game’s visuals and audibles; Visit Rwanda on the pitch-side hoardings, Chelsea being sponsored by an AI company, Gary Neville squawking away in his late-Hansen era, VAR.

Valdano’s take was more an idealist’s view of what he considered football should be, of a sport heading down a route that he didn’t appreciate.

Football has long ceased to be escapism at the top level. This is work, both for the players and the supporters. We’ve lost something intangible as a result.