England ‘unwatchable’ prediction; would any squad have a chance? | OneFootball

Would any version of England have a chance at this World Cup? A look through the groups gives us little hope for entertainment.

World Cup groups of dearth revealed

Much has been written about the 48 team Men’s FIFA World Cup and how it makes the group stages utterly [insert pejorative adjective of your choosing]. This letter was largely driven by a couple of stinking groups, but in for a penny, in for a pound. By my (very) naive only around a third of the group games draw any interest (until a ball is kicked, then I’ll no doubt dive right in).

No preamble (save from I’ve arbitrarily introduced “wildcards” that might be watchable assuming someone does a nonsense). No justification. Just vibes and pre-judgement.

Group A: The round-robin between Mexico, South Korea and Czechia looks pretty solid. And one of the games, say MEX v RSA might be a wildcard with the underdog doing a nonsense and scoring early. 3.5 interesting games.

Group B: A hard swerve. Nothing about that group is going to get me out of bed at *Checks Notes* 8pm. 0 interesting games.

Group C: OK. Now we’re talking. A proper World Cup group: Brazil, a quality Morocco side, Scotland and (presumptive whipping boys) Haiti. Brazil might not be what they once were, but this is the fun end of the tournament, and all eyes will be on them in all three games. All three Scotland games are eminently watchable (assuming you’re not invested in them actually winning). All gravy here, with possibly only MOR v HAI as a miss, but even then it’s going to have a big impact on Scotland’s qualification as they turn over Brazil so picks up a wildcard spot… 5.5 games.

Group D: We don’t even have the worst possible kit match-up (USA H and AUS A) to make it worth flicking over to for five mins before our retinas burn out. Opta reckon it’s the hardest group to call, but that doesn’t make it the most watchable, and aside from the prospect of USA soiling their pants and not qualifying – or hilariously drawing Iran in the RoundOf32 – I could care less about who gets out of the group. Rounds off nicely with a bunch of 2am, 3am, 4am and 5am kick offs just to really put the nail in the coffin. 0 games.

Group E: Der Mannschaft should make pretty light work of this group. Cote D’Ivoire and Ecuador v Germany both have the chance of being half decent games, as does CIV v ECU to see who qualifies in second, but half a point off as neither side really cares because the winner of that game will face France, Senegal or Norway, while loser has a fair chance of coming up against the “winner” of Group B or Group D. 2.5 games.

Group F: In theory a fair group. Sweden were pants in qualifying, but have players that could turn up and a manager who spoke well, I thought. Should be eminently watchable round robin between Netherlands, Japan and Sweden, with the prospect of Tunisia upsetting someone. Minus half a point for the 45 minutes spent cutting away from the actual football to spotlight attractive female fans in the crowd during NED v SWE. 2.5 games.

Group G: After BEL v EGY in the first game in the battle of the quite old former Premier League stars, it’s a washout. 1 game.

Group H See Group G. Spain v Cape Verde has big novelty value, and there’ll be a nice moment between the hosts of the 2030 tournament, but after that, meh. 1 game.

Group I: See Group A, but without the wildcard. OK, that’s clearly doing arguably the toughest group a disservice, as France, Norway and Senegal should serve up a pretty decent round robin, although FRA v Haaland will inevitably fail to live up to the hype. 3 games.

Group J: It seems weird saying this with the actual reigning current men’s FIFA World Cup Winners in the group, but MEH. 0 games

Group K: Portugal v Colombia stands out above very little else in what Opta have determined is the toughest/second toughest group – very much because Portugal and Colombia are very good, and very much not because DR Congo or Uzbekistan are. And also because topping that group gives you a pretty easy route through the first two knock-out rounds (see “Group B”) rather than a tricky tie against the second team in England’s group and then probably (definitely) Spain. 1 game

Group L: Sorry, England but you don’t even manage a full house to rescue things – at least one of England v Ghana and England v Panama is going to be unwatchable.* 2.5 games.

*Praying for it not to be three unwatchable games Dave H, Bucks p.s. On reflection, Group A might have benefited from some generous scoring in the “early rounds”.

Would any version of England have a chance?

Got a question for the mailbox and BTL.

The general consensus seems to be that England won’t make the final. I don’t disagree. But for me that’s in part to a weird selection and build up (not the NZ game, although that was pretty weird, and yes Harold I know we won).

So, the question: if we picked the squad YOU think we should have taken, would you have backed us to get to the final, or are we just not good enough?

Most teams have weaknesses, but for us to have so much reliance on Kane is a major risk. And the future ain’t looking that much better either. Which is nice.

God I miss when we had too many decent strikers that we couldn’t pick them all. Badwolf

England fans more Trump than Neville

Does Rob, Bristol Gooner actually think England fans are going to sing “Donald Trump is a w*nker”? They’re more likely to sing “Gary Neville is a w*nker”. As he must know given his comment about the politics of England fans making Tommy Robinson look like Jeremy Corbyn. Still, it would be funny to see England fans singing “Donald Trump is a w”nker”. I wonder what Jack the Lad would say about it. Dan, London

Look how old Jack is now…

Why hello, F365 mailbox. You haven’t aged a day.

I felt compelled to write in today after realising that, after my birthday on Wednesday, I’ll be 32. Which means shockingly, sickeningly even, I’ll have been reading and writing into F365 for exactly half of my lifetime. But how?! A few months back (maybe last year) I think someone mentioned me in the mailbox. I forgot to reply but…here I am. Young Jack is gone, chucked on the hearth alongside skinny jeans and the ability to drink without experiencing death the next day. From young Jack to 30-something Jack. Help.

Anyway, I very much enjoyed John Nicholson’s article about the World Cup. Measuring your life in World Cups is something I do too, this’ll be number 7. Though I understand why people may not be very enthused about the tournament, and the truly depressing politics that surround it, I still find myself getting excited about the prospect of 3 or 4 matches every day, and even more so about late night/early morning kick-offs. I mean, I have an alarm set to watch South Korea and Czechia on Friday morning. I just can’t help myself. I almost go into a childlike state of joy during these tournament weeks. And now that I watch the women’s, there’s never a summer without one. Sweet.

I don’t email in too much these days so I’m not sure I’ll get published, but if I do, to all F365 readers, writers and contributors alike – whether you are excited for the World Cup, begrudgingly watching it or steering clear altogether, I hope you’re doing alright. And I hope me being (nearly) 32 now hasn’t made you feel too old. Ok fine, secretly I hope it has.