Party’s over, Pep: Five tactical throwbacks we want to see follow long throws | OneFootball

We’re enjoying the resurgence of long throws and set pieces, but football hasn’t gone back far enough. We demand strike partnerships, offside traps, orthodox wingers and crosses.

Arsenal set-piecing their way to the Premier League title is boiling many people’s p*ss, while even the finest modern-day defenders appear terrified of the return of long throws.

It has made us wonder what other fossilised tactics we should bring back. We’ll start with these five…

The offside trap

We’re not having this ‘Ooh, look at that high line, isn’t Pep/Ange/Hansi so edgy…’ bollocks. Standing on the halfway line isn’t brave. Let’s see who has got the cojones to go full Arrigo Sacchi, Rinus Michels or George Graham.

Admittedly, it was easier to catch opponents offside in the pre-Premier League era before interfering with play became A Thing. Back then, an attacker could time a run to perfection as their opponents were sprinting out en masse and still be flagged because his lazy pr*ck of a team-mate was stood with his thumb up his arse 40 yards away from any position of consequence.

And we are not lobbying for a return of the old laws after the more recent tweaks to what’s offside and what’s not have made it increasingly difficult to trigger a linesman’s flag, especially in open play. But not impossible.

When defending free kicks, which are increasingly going longer, there remains an opportunity to avoid any hassle of actual defending simply by charging out on cue.

You couldn’t do it every time, but that’s what keeps it interesting. And it’s an opportunity for set-piece coaches to justify their existence with multiple attacking running lines.

‘In comes the free kick from wide. City have stepped up, leaving the first wave offside… but here comes the runner from the car park, and he’s timed it to perfection.. 1-0!’

We can all appreciate a perfectly-executed offside trap but, as with most things in football, revel even more in the ones that go horribly wrong.

End the purge on crosses

By lobbying for the return of crossing, we might already be behind the curve a little. Because, mercifully, it seems a swing may have begun.

Last season, the number of crosses per team per game in the Premier League was 31 per cent lower than 2008/09. Just like the fact we import two-thirds of our cheese: That. Is. A. Disgrace.

But it’s actually a little better than it was. Last season saw a slight rise in the average number of crosses per team per game in open play on the previous two seasons. Which is encouraging, but we must not rest until we have killed and burned the notion that crossing is a bad thing.

What kind of joyless grump, 20 years ago, watched Beckham, Figo, Roberto Carlos – or even Stuart Ripley, Steve Guppy, Stewart Downing – get a yard and deliver, only to conclude football needed less of it, not more?

Surely better that than endless ‘recycling’, passing square and back under the guise of probing to play through? One approach does not have to be exclusive to the other. Defenders are comfortable when play is predictable so, even if you prefer a penetrative pass, keep backlines – and your underused centre-forward – on their toes with the old shift-it-and-swing-it.

Even if it is true that crossing is a low-percentage play, then we must do more of it to make it pay. Mikel Arteta knows. It takes 10 crosses to produce one attempt on goal, does it? How many from 100 crosses then? *taps temple*

Orthodox wingers > inverted wingers

Righting this evil wrong would go some way to remedying the crossing famine…

Sure, there were inverted wingers before Arjen Robben made a career out of cutting inside and finding the far corner. But the Netherlands wideman has a lot to answer for, seemingly having spawned a generation’s worth of p*ss-poor tribute acts.

The game is awash with inverted wingers, all desperate to dribble across a line rather than down one. Which is fine when it works. But for the kind of success rate to make it a worthwhile, you need to be the actual Arjen Robben.

Instead, we’re left with wingers so woefully predictable, it’s barely a test for any middling full-back. Tackling? Not necessary; just keep guiding them on the route up their own arse.

The urge to drive towards goal is perhaps natural, but too few modern wingers recognise that a willingness and capability to go outside will inevitably create more opportunities to get by on the inside.

Decide for yourself if being a winger is the easiest position to play but it’s almost certainly the simplest. In possession, get down the outside and cross; or penetrate on the inside. By suggesting you should be able to go either way, we’re really not asking for much here, lads.

Go two up top

Crosses are counterintuitive, are they? Maybe that’s because there’s barely a soul in the box.

From strike partnerships we ‘progressed’ to the lone front man. Then we lost our way completely and found ourselves at the false 9. Pep said he would play with 11 midfielders if he could, and rather than question the massive oddball, we all just assumed it was a great idea.

Thankfully, the true 9s are fighting back – even Pep thought it necessary to buy the best there is – and the outlook for the more traditional centre-forwards is looking a lot brighter than it did not long ago.

Still, though, it’s hard not to feel sorry for some of these lads while they plough a lone furrow, usually just ahead of their bone idle mate in the no.10, a cheating non-position for preening grifters.

It’s no wonder we’re seeing too many handsome centre-backs at the top level. At least half of them have got f*** all to do other than pad their passing stats. Twenty-thousand-plus for Virgil van Dijk, you say? Stop posing and put your head on that long throw, you big, beautiful b*stard.

These centre-backs have had it too good for too long. They always bring a mate, so let’s make it a fair fight and allow centre-forwards to pair up again too.

The big-man-little-man dynamic – nippy wee rascals and their gnarly double-hard-b*stard minders – is compulsory. Obviously.

Essentially, what ties together all of the above is 4-4-2. If that means midfielders being midfielders again, not CDMs or AMFs, then colour us Mike Bassett.

Keepers should take a punt

It has been a confusing decade for goalkeepers amid a union-wide identity crisis sparked by self-flagellating coaches desperate to prove how pure their ‘philosophy’ is. And as part of the drive to turn shot-stoppers into playmakers, goalkeepers have lost something that once made them identifiable by their style: the big punt.

Keepers still – occasionally – kick from their hands. But, tragically, the upfield up-and-under has been bastardised by the side-volley. Yes, it might be flatter, quicker, more accurate and more satisfying than scissors gliding through wrapping paper. But look at yourselves, lads. Grow up.

We can see the punt making a comeback while coaches are cottoning on that you can only play like Pep when you have Pep’s players. POMO football is back, baby.

If defenders don’t want to put their head on long throws, corners or crosses, blinded by floodlights, they’ll cower under a size 5 returning to earth from orbit with snow on it. Why use 10 passes when one long punt gets you where you want to go?