Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Elvis Comeback Special | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v ELVIS COMEBACK SPECIAL…

“The marvels of daily life are exciting; no movie director can arrange the unexpected that you find in the street.” – Robert Doisneau

Celtic goalkeeper Viljami Sinisalo watches a shoot from Ethan Hamilton of Dundee fly into the top corner of his goal as Hamilton scores to give Dundee a 0-1 lead. Celtic v Dundee, Scottish Cup, Fifth Round, Celtic Park, 7 February 2026. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO/Shutterstock

VINDALOO – 5/10 – Ooh, Vinny looked a bit shaky. Zero chance of saving their goal as it flashed by him high after a freak deflection off Liam’s instep had it behaving like a stone skimmed across a loch by Homelander. But he was unconvincing in his overall play and late in extra-time he was near-suicidal with a pass out to Luke that had us under severe strain as we tried to get it over the line.

07.02.2026 Celtic v Dundee, Scottish Cup 5th round. Cameron Congreve high boot catches Kieran Tierney on the nose. Photo Kenny Ramsay. IMAGO

KATIE – 6/10 – “Who am I? Who are you? Is Jeffrey Epstein the chairman of Rangers? Is Derek McInnes cloned from a badger? What shape is a ball? Am I a ball? Are you the ball?”. KT’s recovering fine. Almost scored a thumper before facial reconstruction surgery Dundonian-style nearly meant he would have to borrow Davie Dodds’ passport to ever travel out of the country again. Even with the hinderance of decapitation, KT maintained his run of good form even though the side was malfunctioning on a collective level. Lifesaver on the line deep in the game before his own life was nearly taken meant he can take great satisfaction from a winning contribution.

7th February 2026 Celtic Park, Scottish Cup, Celtic v Dundee .Tony Yogane and Ethan Hamilton of Dundee challenge for the ball with Julian Araujo of Celtic. Photo David Young IMAGO

AZTECO – 5.5/10 – Good strong start then the overall ennui got to him a bit and his errors were more common and his forward momentum stunted by indecision and the lack of consistent tempo or flow.

7th February 2026 Celtic Park, Scottish Cup , Celtic v Dundee Liam Scales of Celtic challenges for the ball with Callum Jones of Dundee. Photo David Young IMAGO

OF JUSTICE – 5.5/10 – Tricky one for the Barndarigg Beckenbauer as they sprung our backline on a number of occasions; with his sidekick involved in a beauty v ginger wildebeest grappling session, Liam’s job was to pick up the pieces and gauge the opposing counter-attacks. Once he did get their measure we appeared more composed and he was able to provide the spring by which we could break their press. However the variable nature of that defensive control did have the stands in a state of angst.

7th February 2026 Celtic Park, Scottish Cup Football, Celtic versus Dundee Scott Wright of Dundee challenges for the ball with Auston Trusty of Celtic Photo David Young IMAGO

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6/10 – Like Liam, stoic and purposeful. Rough-housed mad mental Midden-faced Murray when he could easily have shied away from the conflict, and indeed, once might have. But this season’s Trusty is steel, not soap, and he was willing to take the hits as well as dish it.

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07.02.2026 Celtic v Dundee, Scottish Cup 5th round. Callum McGregor at the end of the match applauds the Celtic support. Photo Kenny Ramsay IMAGO

CALMAC – 5.5/10 – Well, the skipper had the dig. Thankfully. Because his multiple attempts to strike up a rhythm fell on tone-deaf ears and dominating the middle failed to bear fruit when he shifted the ball into the final third. But he’ll give you the metronomic and incessant ball-recycling even when he’s on his knees, long as a sliver of hope remains. And he stuck by that and delivered, right out of one of the darkest moments of the season.

7th February 2026 Celtic Park, Scottish Cup, Celtic versus Dundee Paulo Bernardo of Celtic challenges for the ball with Joel Cotterill of Dundee. Photo David Young IMAGO

SAINT BERNARDO – 3.5/10 – Big Paulo in the house! Again. And again with no impact the manager saw worthy of retaining his presence beyond the half-time pot noodles.

7th February 2026 Celtic Park, Scottish Cup, Celtic versus Dundee Tony Yogane of Dundee goes past Reo Hatate of Celtic. Photo David Young IMAGO

HAKUNA HATATE – 4/10 – There were spells where Reo looked interested and likely to cause problems. Then there was the majority of his participation where, contributing to the overall sluggishness of the team, he staggered about stoned and more likely to construct a unicorn stable in the centre-circle than do anything advantageous with the ball.

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Joel Mvuka of Celtic. Celtic v Dundee, Scottish Cup, Fifth Round, Celtic Park, 07 February 2026. Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock/IMAGO

MARK VIDUKA – 5/10 – Amazing to see the shape the big mental Aussie’s kept himself in over the years, not to mention the skincare routine that’s been important due the the obvious sun-bed misuse …Looked interested, with a few useful interactions – liked the way he at least DID attempt to sling in a few crosses. But by half-time the boss decided on a different kind of approach and threw in a mad shagga for… Well, a basic madman.

7th February 2026; Celtic Park, Scottish Cup Football, Celtic versus Dundee; Drey Wright of Dundee blocks a shot from Tomas Cvancara of Celtic. Photo David Young. IMAGO/Action Plus

CARAVAN – 5.5/10 – I mean, for heaven’s sake play to the big ghuy’s strengths someone… All day he moved in and out of range of byeline or deep crosses, expecting, waiting, displaying some slick link-up play, but… Ultimately never seeing the service he thrives on.

YING – 4.5/10 – A lot of hustle but the bustle was going nowhere and he was eventually stifled onto the sidelines by too many big stripey shirts for one diminutive Korean to handle.

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SUBS –

07.02.2026 Celtic v Dundee, Scottish Cup 5th round. Junior Adamu goal 1-1. Photo Kenny Ramsay IMAGO

YOUNG ADAMSKI – 6.5/10 – Your first touch in the Hoops is a backheeled equaliser in the chaotic death-rattle of a cup-tie. Now ask the genie for your other two wishes. Got to give the new bhoy his flowers for that inventive ecstasy. A marvel of footballing nous to 180 degree the night and mood. Certanly didn’t look out of place leading the line, willing to make the runs with an interestingly swift turn of foot we may exploit properly on a better day. But for today, what a debut; take a bow.

7th February 2026 Celtic Park, Scottish Cup, Celtic versus Dundee Sebastian Tounekti of Celtic celebrates after scoring for 2-1 in the fourth minute of extra time. Photo David Young IMAGO

TUTANKHAMUN – 7.5/10 MOTM – What in the name of the hallowed Mikey J was that? The grumbling inconsistent Tunisian came on like a desert dervish, tore into them, refused to take a rebuke and won the game with his tenacity and fleet of foot. Scintillating wing play to draw us level, topped by razor-sharp wits to cut them apart for the sizzling winner. Now sell him to West Brom for £20 million.

7th February 2026 Celtic Park, Scottish Cup, Celtic versus Dundee. Luke McCowan of Celtic shields the ball from Callum Jones of Dundee Photo David Young IMAGO

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6/10 – Luke, it’s got to be said – well done, Luke. Pitched in without much hope, he managed to do nearly everything well, with sense and footballing intelligence; the zenith of which was an overlooked piece of deft balance and footwork to play-in the Tut wall-pass for the winner.

7th February 2026 Celtic Park, Scottish Cup, Celtic versus Dundee Imari Samuels of Dundee on the ball as Benjamin Nygren of Celtic tries to close him down. Photo David Young IMAGO

NYLON – 4/10 – “Wheres Ne…” ‘There! As usual, right in on the keeper and…Wit.’ Then… Nothing. Well, not quite, but his contributions were fleeting and a bit faint-hearted.

7th February 2026 Celtic Park, Scottish Cup, Celtic versus Dundee Finlay Robertson of Dundee shields the ball from James Forrest of Celtic. Photo David Young IMAGO

JAMESY – 6/10 – If Jamesy can’t score, nobody can score. Well, thankfully that old Prestwick proverb got put to bed (pun intended) like many a maiden on a Jamesy Jolly. He did inject plenty of intent but found himself blunted against a formidable Dundonian chastity belt he’d only encountered before in the hushed conversations of mythos in the shadows of old Ayrshire taverns. Didn’t stop him attempting to mount one of them in the final seconds, which resulted in a yellow and an eye-blistering near escape for us. Calm doon, Jamesy. Someone get in with the bromide.

MELLOW YELLOW – N/A – Kid’s tremendous at cleaning a ball with his jersey. And he was quite willing to polish every ball in the stadium as the clock ran down…

Marcelo Saracchi of Celtic and Bradley Halliday of Dundee. Celtic v Dundee, Scottish Cup, Fifth Round, Celtic Park, 07 February 2026. Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock/IMAGO

SCRATCHY – 5.5/10 – “Eet’s flockeeng freezeeng, man! You not serious, boss? Hey, KT, wake a-flek up!” But on he was thrown and his verve down the left flank helped us take the lead, then hold it.

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Celtic manager Martin O’Neill. Celtic v Dundee, Scottish Cup, Fifth Round, Celtic Park, Glasgow, 07 February. Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock/IMAGO

FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE – 6.5/10 – The changes were rung. The pack was shuffled; with some frequency… And it looked as if it would result in us being wrung too, and hung out to dry. And for an entire 90 minutes, and then some, it appeared the MON effect had faded along with our Scottish  cup hopes.

But, once more that staple of all great managers found its time and place – character. Maybe a word, an offhand compliment, a recognition of a player’s worth – the little things behind the scenes – paid off with moments of unlikely, inspiring, match-winning guile. The extra 1% MON and staff eke out of their squad won the day. And the belief grows. And great things may come.

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Referee Ryan Lee Celtic v Dundee, Scottish Cup, Fifth Round, Celtic Park, Glasgow, 07 February 2026. Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock/ IMAGO

MIBBERY – 8/10 – Zombie dogs, to a spineless man. Stonewall (see what I did there, Tory Ross? Aye…) penalty denied, full-conact karate on KT’s cherubic face absolutely ignored. Sleight of hand and sleek of whistle, the infuriating MIBbery ramped up a notch the deeper in trouble we got until… Oh dear…Oh, the pain; I feel their pain. And it’s exquisite. Put the Cohibas back in the box and pocket the zippo, you Zombie rockets.

Har-de-har.

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OVERALL – 5.5/10 – Never in doubt! A marvellous, dramatic climax that had the jubilant, buoyant away section crumple in seconds into what best resembled a hedge-trimmer massacre in the Jim Henson workshop. As for the previous 95 minutes and the latter dread-laden moments of extra-time? God awful. The team seemed to mirror the boycotting fans’ apathy with build-up play from The Never-Ending Story tactical manual, ponderous and apprehensive – like daring to take a shot would get you five punishment laps and last use of the home changing room shower loofah.

So rather than exerting any sort of concentrated pressure in the final third, we walked ourselves into congestion and then walked it all the way back. It was like The Brodge had hacked into the Celtic mainframe and was channeling his tactical vision through a Playstation link.

But despite being unable to find a final ball or the courage to kick one hard enough to approach the goal, we dug it out with the one attribute so intrinsic to so many Celtic classics over the years – individual flair. In this case a double, out of the blue, sorry, green – a dagger to those dark blue hearts. And after you get one, why not two? So in the space of three on-field minutes the tie was settled. Celtic-style.

It’s all about getting through and we achieved the aim in a pretty roundabout manner, result trumping performance and morale boosted with sheer, savage desperation winning the day. Best not dwell on the grim procedure that led to the patient rising off the deathbed, just relish the extra days to come thanks to some miraculous intervention. Who’s next for the rope-a-dope knockout special?

Go Away Now

Sandman

Celtic in the Thirties by Matt Corr. Click on image to order

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