Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Screamin’ Weans | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SCREAMIN’ WEANS…

James Forrest of Celtic and Scott Bain of Falkirk embrace after the Premier Sports League Cup match between Celtic and Falkirk at Celtic Park on August 15, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

VINDALOO – 6.5/10 – With Kasper dropped in case he chucked one in for his  old team, it was the Vinny show. And didn’t he show well…Flying Fin makes flying save to keep us ahead and remains  a commanding voice at the back which belies his experience. Won’t need a goalie for a while with those two swapping the  shifts.

Alistair Johnston of Celtic celebrates scoring his team’s second goal during the Premier Sports League Cup match between Celtic and Falkirk at Celtic Park on August 15, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – Not quite got the same synch with Jamesy yet as he enjoyed with the runaway German, but it’s hard to play wingman to the country’s top performer. And what with AJ being a recently married man he no doubt has the wife’s nagging voice in his ear every time he gets within ten yards of the Prestwick Flasher. However, existential crises aside, The Moose was not to be denied, forcing himself into a one-on-one with their keeper and wowed us with adroit finishing courtesy of his unnatural cloven hoof. An all-round rousing cup-tie performance.

Kieran Tierney of Celtic prior to the Premier Sports League Cup match between Celtic and Falkirk at Celtic Park on August 15, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

KATIE – 7/10 – Barnstorming first 45 marked by more uplifting wing-play, a smart cushioned assist, and a terrific Norman Wisdom tribute to entertain the North Curve, managing to execute a perfect pratfall while yelling “Mr.Grimsdale!” in a busy penalty area. Our bhoy’s back with a bang.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6/10 – A wantaway? Would we be overly dismayed? Not quite yet proven himself domestically, but started with a good early block tonight and cruised through the rest of proceedings. Whether or not he and The Brodge will be on the same wavelength come the end of the transfer window is anyone’s guess.

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Dane Murray scores Celtic’s third goal during the Premier Sports League Cup match between Celtic and Falkirk at Celtic Park on August 15, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

GREAT – 6/10 – Well the kid got to be the only Dane on the park tonight and suffered the classic Celtic centre-back hazard of attempting to stay awake while we hemmed them in. But despite one casual lapse, he recovered to assert himself well, crowning the finest week of his young life with a beautifully timed leap and nod to guide in a header.

Callum McGregor of Celtic applauds the fans after the team’s victory in the Premier Sports League Cup match between Celtic and Falkirk at Celtic Park on August 15, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 6.5/10 – ‘What you doin’ still on the turf?’ asked Mr.Common Sense at the final whistle. Our most vital component in the next fortnight shouldn’t have been anywhere near a ridiculous random injury after the third went in. Before that, he’d governed the match with quiet mastery and tied up the midfield in green and white ribbons. Phew, he’s okay…

Dane Murray of Celtic celebrates scoring his team’s third goal with teammate Arne Engels during the Premier Sports League Cup match between Celtic and Falkirk at Celtic Park on August 15, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE TERMINATOR – 7.5/10 MOTM – Well, the Tik-Tok Ancelottis might not think the bhoy’s up to his fee but there are moments in football where real quality shines through. Like Arne’s dexterity with his heid two yards out… Eh, naw. The wonderful Kris Boyd impersonation was a lowlight of his overall performance which was a showcase of his finest attributes. Boy, can that bhoy deliver a dead ball. Glorious corners and a free-kick that pinged the inside of Baney’s post from an angle tighter than the Celtic Board.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE -6/10 –  What a chance for Luke to get a proper Luke, but despite his flashes of guile and effort the rub of the green just wasn’t on for Young Jobson this evening. He’ll look at it as an opportunity missed to stake a claim for a start.

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Daizen Maeda celebrates scoring Celtic’s first goal with James Forrest and Kieran Tierney during the Premier Sports League Cup match between Celtic and Falkirk at Celtic Park on August 15, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

JAMESY – 7/10 – What a shift on a Friday night from Jamesy, usually marked ‘Fish supper, maybe mair than wan…’ in his recently leaked diary. But then, so too are most other nights, strangely…He, like Arne, went for the ‘Boydy’ classic and sclaffed a sitter with his head. If it had been a league game the angst may have been greater as we can’t take the tension of another final-kick-of-the-season record breaker. But cups don’t count, so it was hilarious…There he was (probably hungry…) roving about with menace, being inventive, troublesome, cheeky – all over, very much like a Friday night on the town. Stay fit, Jamesy, you’re on fire.

Johnny Kenny of Celtic reacts during the Premier Sports League Cup match between Celtic and Falkirk at Celtic Park on August 15, 2025 (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

KENNY JOHNNY – 5.5/10 – Like Luke, probably a missed opportunity. Unlucky not to score a cracker from a sweet Jamesy lay-off, but although his bearing and momentum were positive, his runs lacked timing and he didn’t gamble enough for a bhoy of his pace, which may have rewarded him. Must have been left frustrated.

Daizen Maeda of Celtic scores his team’s opening goal during the Premier Sports League Cup match between Celtic and Falkirk at Celtic Park on August 15, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6.5/10 – Down South, or down the middle? As lower Prem obscurity tempts the suits with tourist league megabucks, Daizen finds his mojo again and rattles the Bairns with a scintillating first-half. That extra-lung hustle and a deft diving header stamped his value all over this one. World Cup is on the season’s horizon, Daizen. Don’t go losing your focus in a depraved London borough where the rats are big as horses, the smog cuts visibility to ten yards and a child-catcher circles the dim cobbled streets with his caged wagon.

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SUBS –

YING – 6/10 – Jing! Quick feet and penetrating runs brought us a goal and thrills.

NYLON – 6/10 – Taller than you might think… The long drink of Skol lager showed up well on the ball and looked creative-minded.

SAINT BERNARDO – N/A – Swarthy Paulo caught the ref’s eye… Oo-er, Missus… And any fit Portuguese U-23 captain is welcome to bring his dig to a Celtic midfield. The competition for places will be popcorn-viewing perfect this season.

OF JUSTICE – 6/10 – FEET! The Banrdarigg Beckenbauer infuriates the haters with some examples of terrific composure and guile under pressure. They thought they had him pinned in but he took them out with subtle technique, like Jamesy with a couple of horny debutantes.

FEIN – N/A – On he was thrown, just as the main service providers were withdrawn, lol…

Brendan Rodgers, Manager of Celtic, acknowledges the fans prior to the Premier Sports League Cup match between Celtic and Falkirk at Celtic Park on August 15, 2025 . (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7.5/10 – Well, the changes were made, faith was shown… Maybe too much as The Brodge rolled the probabilities dice with Calmac’s fitness like a strung-out Vegas gambler convinced by the Jackie Daniels that he can’t lose. Luckily, he never threw Snake Eyes (who runs the board anyway…) and we have a fit skipper for midweek. But what will be the CL starting eleven? Guesses on a postcard.

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MIBBERY – 1/10 – Starey-eyed and verbal, a ref not too card-happy but decent enough given some of the comedy acts thrown at us over the seasons. Not much contention about his officiating, given we dominated; did nail them with a few deserved late bookings and didn’t rile the stands much. An anomaly in The Matrix.

Friday night football at Celtic Park. Photo The Celtic Star

OVERALL – 7/10 – Comprehensive, deserved and satisfying; We mirrored a Friday night out in Prestwick with The Flash and stepped into the next round without fuss or drama. The tempo was set early and it was relentless until we took the lead. For a makeshift side, we gelled well and limited Falkirk’s space admirably. Major bonus was the avoidance of injuries and the weekend rest afforded to many who’ll be in line to start on Wednesday. Now the Bhoys need to recuperate and focus on the biggest prize of them all. It’s straightforward enough for them – the glamour reward for simply smashing up Borat FC. And if we can’t kill-off the Khazaks we don’t deserve to be anywhere near it. Get intae them. Yak Shemash!

Go Away Now

Sandman

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Missing Attachment

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Celtic in the Eighties by David Potter. Foreword by Danny McGrain. Published on Celtic Star Books on 5 September 2025. Click on image to pre-order.

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