Tuchel-Bellingham ‘clash’ derails England as Argentina make ‘urgent request’ and Spidercam truth revealed | OneFootball

England are in the semi-final of the World Cup, and that means a startling torrent of guff has been unleashed across the nation’s sports pages.

There’s all manner of complete bollocks about Thomas Tuchel and Jude Bellingham, obviously, and the suggestion that Sir Harold of Kane has been required to act as peacemaker to defuse (or as at least one tabloid inevitably insisted ‘diffuse’) the definitely real and in no way entirely manufactured row that threatens England’s World Cup hopes.

Elsewhere you’ve got those pesky Argies making urgent special requests about the game to their pals at FIFA. Typical of them.

But we do at last now have the definitive truth on what precisely happened with Spidercam and England’s equaliser against Norway.

Clash of the titans

Tuchel v Bellingham is already one to file away in the ol’ Mediawatch memory banks for the next time a journo throws their arms up in the air and shakes their head sadly at the way there are no personalities in the game these days, and that everyone gives bland answers, with anything even in the vicinity of interesting now media-trained into oblivion.

We’re going with just one site for brevity and above all our own sanity here, but the phenomenon is true across the board. Here are some headlines just from the Mirror football homepage on Monday morning. Again, it’s not to single them out, it’s just that we will lose what’s left of our mind if we spread the net further. They are no better or worse than any of the others.

All this about a clash that didn’t actually happen. Not really. It’s not even a difference of opinion between an elite coach and elite player; it’s a difference of focus in the immediate aftermath of victory.

Tuchel wanted to focus on how England can be better and will need to be better, because – to activate Roy Keane mode – that’s his job.

Bellingham, who alongside his team-mates had just slogged his way through an incredibly difficult match in incredibly difficult conditions, wanted to focus in that moment on the magnitude of that effort.

Both of them were right. We’re pretty sure that neither of them even disagrees with the other’s main point. Even in his interview, Tuchel was at pains to highlight the character his team had shown when Gabriel Clarke was being weird about it. We’re pretty certain Bellingham also believes England can and must play better.

And yet the outcome is headline after headline about a ‘clash’ and disrespect and Harry Kane having to weigh in and questions like ‘Do you agree with Thomas Tuchel or Jude Bellingham?’ as if their stated positions are in any way mutually exclusive.

It’s all just confected, daft nonsense. So yes, next time anyone in the media complains about bland or boring answers, a little self-awareness and introspection wouldn’t go amiss. Mainly your fault, lads.

Just look at these two consecutive paragraphs.

There is no rift, but Kane stepped in as peacemaker to defuse the brewing row, did he? And of course, by ‘stepped in as a peacemaker’ they mean ‘answered loaded questions from us in a press conference’. He’s not stood between the warring pair holding them apart and saying ‘Come on, lads, we’ve all had a Powerade’.

It’s just f*cking mental that this is even a thing.

Away-day blues

It is going to be a very long couple of days until that World Cup semi-final, with coverage having already reached dangerous levels of insanity this far out. The Mirror know exactly what they’re doing with this nudge-nudge-wink-wink of a headline.

Those scheming Argies, eh? Wanting special treatment against our brave boys? Typical of Jonny Foreigner, is that. Just don’t play by the Queensberry Rules, do they? Can’t be trusted. And it’s all rigged for Lionel Messi anyway, isn’t it?

But let us all just take a breath and check precisely what the details of this special request are. Is it Jude Bellingham to be forced to play blindfolded? Tackling Messi to be prohibited? Cristian Romero to be permitted one assault per half, and another in extra-time if need be?

Or is it in fact Argentina, as the designated away team, ‘requesting’ to wear their away kit, just as the designated away team did when the teams met at the 1986, 1998 and 2002 World Cups?

Simply impossible to guess which one it could be, isn’t it?

And by the time this very big and real story makes its way across the Reach desk to the Daily Star, it has become an ‘urgent request’. And it’s still literally just ‘Yeah, we’ll wear our away kit then, we guess, whatever.’

Adam and eve it

The Daily Express take the Reach baton of headline housery and really run with it here.

Again, they know precisely what they’re doing and whose tinfoil conspiracy antennae this guff is meant to tickle. The clear implication of this headline is that a World Cup rule change – a huge one – is coming before the England semi-final. And we all know who that change would favour, don’t we, guys? Eh? Gianni Infantino’s favourite player, amirite?

Except, it obviously isn’t anything to do with the semi-final. How unfortunate that the headline accidentally makes it look like it might be.

Even the intro continues with that ambiguous theme despite giving the game away that this is not a change that will actually affect this year’s semi-finals.

What did Infantino actually say about expanding to 64 teams?

No. Examine and discuss it on the eve of the England semi-final, you coward.

Warning shot

Meanwhile, Harry Kane is out here firing a ‘huge warning’ to Argentina ahead of the game, according to The Sun.

If you’re thinking ‘Well that doesn’t sound very Harry Kane’ then you’d be right. Here are the very Harry Kane indeed things he actually said.

Consider yourselves duly warned, Leo and co.

How spoon is now?

There is some good news, at least, with at least one controversy decisively put to bed. We don’t expect to hear any more from salty Norwegians or despairing Scots about the ball hitting the Spidercam wires for Jude Bellingham’s equalising goal in Miami. Because it didn’t.

The actual truth has now been revealed, and was obvious all along when you think about it.

The Daily Star have scooped the world yet again:

Kicking yourselves now, aren’t you? For not putting the pieces together before? How else do you explain the ball-changing trajectory without triggering the ball’s sensors? When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

And the clear and obvious truth is that the ‘supernatural spoon-bender’ did it. The Anyone But Englands will now surely simply accept this and move on. His explanation brooks no argument:

That’s one story put to bed at least. More time to focus on the scandal of Argentina’s away kit.