Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – The Forbidden Zone v Celtic | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE FORBIDDEN ZONE…

“There is always time for another last minute,” Terry Pratchett

Kasper Schmeichel applauds the Celtic support. St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – Poor Kasper. The ghost of Xmas past made the visit last week – blown WC QF at home, humiliated at Hampdump, then topped-off with a visit to Paisley. Charles Dickens would have shied-off writing that one. So he handled himself, and the ball, pretty well, nailed his distribution with some sweet half-volleys and generally – as part of a solid defensive unit – might have found some solace or redemption in the murky darkness of Scotland’s Stranger Things town. Or probably not.

TONY THE TIGER – 5.5/10 – The architect of Scotland’s World Cup qualification still has the mental reserves to face a Paisley visit days after his Hampden triumph. What’s that, you say – Tony didn’t kick a ball? So? Imagine the influence The Brickie has that his country performs a once-in-a-generation feat and just his very presence was enough to manifest it. THAT is AURA, kids. As for tonight, he struggled with the rest to force the game higher, being tied up arresting their physicality; which he did well enough. Still put the shift in, as always.

Kieran Tierney – St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

KATIE – 6.5/10 – National HERO. Had Beckham phoning up for an autograph. More bend on that than happy hour in Bennetts, if you know what I mean, old-school Glaswegians…And back to basics for KT on the tough turf of the OK Corral. But he stood up to the psychological shift from glory to gloryhole; was stoic at the back and trouble in attack. One of our better performers.

Liam Scales – St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

OF JUSTICE – 6/10 – Single-headedly put Ireland in the playoffs; shrines to the Holy Virgin will be revamped to Ginger Baresi tribute temples across the Emerald Isle if they make it all the way to inevitable death by sunburn next summer. Tested well tonight, forced into plenty of combat by the sheer size of the lumps they threw forward. Took a moment to further rip the phish out of Kasper by poking it past him for yuks. All-round, kept cool as the midfield and forwards turned over the ball far too many times.

Auston Trusty – St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6/10 – On his heels with Liam but put in another admirable 90 minutes with a proper test of his toughness against their powerful forward units. Damn lefties and their imbalance…

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Callum McGregor – St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

CALMAC – 7/10 MOTM – The skipper’s game. Deep in the doldrums for the entire match, just digging around for some space or time on the ball, not faring well as they swamped him with a cadre of what appeared to be Putin’s bodyguards in stripey taps. Then, as Clancy Drew sucked in the final-blast breath, Calmac hit The Duddies with a trolling spectacular – back to haunt them with a vengeance as he put his Flag Day finale on repeat. Wicked look on his face as he took a deft touch inside a would-be assassin, and teed it up with his next. Then, BOOM!, there’s yer supper, Paisley, and it ain’t the usual Pot noodle and Wotsit well-fired roll, followed by missing-cat kebab. HIS three points tonight.

Arne Engels – St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

THE TERMINATOR – 5.5/10 – Almost on it, but not on it; story of young Arne’s Celtic time. Appeared dominant for a spell during the second-half which gave encouragement, But he can’t yet find the rolling confidence to express his talent fully. However, I’ll point this out like I have been doing all season, ad nauseum – having him deep in beside Calmac is still THE strategy which will get us through this campaign with a chance of repeating glory; like I moaned about during all The Snake’s recent tenure. Now Martin’s providing Calmac with that Arne protection and… Well, lo and behold – the skipper is still fresh enough mentally and physically to produce that last-gasp stunner deep into the season’s slog.

Reo Hatate – St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

HAKUNA HATATE – 4.5/10 – Hmm, Reo on it? Nope. Not yet. Like Arne, flashes of possibility, but then moments of such redacted bewilderment when you wonder if he needs a handler out there with him. Can only get better, surely?

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Daizen Maeda – St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

LORD KATSUMOTO – 5.5/10 – Didn’t like the smell down his right wing first half, but central after the break meant the locals’ ripeness was of no concern and we had a bustling, physical presence that noised-up their rugged titans at the back. Always handy to throw Daizen in there to start a fight.

Sebastian Tounekti – St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

TUTANKHAMUN – 4/10 – Mikey? Mikey, that you? If he doesn’t produce something on a different level soon, Scooby Doo and those pesky kids are going to roll up in the Mystery Machine and rip that mask off.

Johnny Kenny – St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

KENNY JOHNNY – 3/10 – He’s hot, he’s cold, he’s looks young, he looks old…Another of those fruitless-enterprise nights for JK in which he can’t get anything to run for him and the team isn’t functioning well enough to make life easier. Given that he’s not built enough to take on their battle-giants on a physical level, he ended up getting thrown around like Paisley Museum’s most precious artefact from the old town’s past (the Eighties is as far back as the drug haze allows memories) – a used Fiesta Readers’ Wives Special.

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SUBS –

Yang – St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

YING – 5.5/10 – Prepared to compete with enthusiasm based on the premise that Birmingham cannot be remotely as bad as Paisley (he’s in for a shock…) our Korean conundrum did actually manage to bring more direct positivity to the attack.

Benjamin Nygren – St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

NEGAN – N/A – Stealing big Paulo’s minutes. Again.

Luke McCowan – St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 4/10 – Luke ffs, it doesn’t Luke like Luke’s a winger, Martin, does it? And despite the positional handicap, Luke also appeared to have forgotten how to kick his own arse every time he got some possession.

Colby Donovan in the celebrations as Callum McGregor scores a last minute winner. St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

MELLOW YELLOW – N/A – Worryingly introduced in time for celebratory carnage at the winner, carrying a nasty-looking herpes blister on the lip from some trollop he’d pounced on up the dancin’. Better not be spreading that around the Bhoys. “It’s just a cold sore, honest.” Ayyyeeee….

Dane Murray – St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

GREAT – N/A – Lucky bhoy gets a third chance under a third manager and nearly makes a mess of this one too. Mercifully, his slip was recovered.

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Martin O’Neill arrives at St Mirren Park. St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE – 6.5/10 – Rolling the dice and putting the chess pieces into a Tesco bag and shaking them about for a bit then scattering them around a Subbuteto pitch seemed to be the tactical and positional strategy tonight. Whatever was meant, it somehow contrived to work, be that the luck of the Irish or whatever. MON’s Celtic sunset reprise forges on with a difficult but precious three points after a tumultuous week stuck in the middle of civil war.

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Referee Kevin Clancy. St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

MIBBERY – 4/10 – Ooft, close to a Saturday night goat extravaganza, only for Calmac The Great to dash their hopes. Yet, though there were qualms over some dubious foul awards that put us under pressure, the big decision of the night they got astutely correct and spared Liam a witch-hunt from the demented.

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Callum McGregor celebrates, St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

OVERALL – 6/10 – 3,2,1… Back in the room…And then out again, because there’s dafties roaring bollocks at the very time when surgical questions should be getting asked in a language the suits understand and fear. But, “Aye, we flamin’ telt thaim!” Aye, and here we are, back at square flamin’ “sack everyone” one. Jesus wept.

Celtic AGM 2025

Anyway…

It’s been a shouty, shouty week from national stadium to AGM, so nice of the Bhoys to try and calm everyone down by giving us hey-haw to shout about for 94 minutes. And it’s also been a week for last-gasp delirium, capped off nicely tonight with the Calmac screamer show. There’s nothing much to analyse about the team’s general performance. Because it was Craigy Whyte.

Callum McGregor celebrates. St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

But these forgettable games are THE games that win titles. Three points out of that dung show at the dung hole is a precious reward; even if the only memorable moment of the dirge was the explosive magic from the captain’s left boot at the very death. That alone made the night worth it, knowing the utter angst and torment it caused among certain sections (should be sectioned…) of the population; a Zombie-sickener special, guaranteed to have them howling at the moon, beseeching their cannibal ancestors to send them an explanation for their pain through their cats’ teeth amulets.

Kasper Schmeichel celebrates with Callum McGregor. St Mirren v Celtic, 23 November 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

It’s just like this, Bears – Celtic do what Celtic do and we did it again. On we go, rockin’ and rollin’, even if the sets are getting creaky. It’s the classics that make the night.

I’m standing warm against the cold Now that the flames have taken hold At least you left your life in style

RIP, Mani.

Go Away Now

Sandman

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Last orders for Celtic in the Eighties by David Potter

Celtic in the Eighties and Willie Fernie – Putting on the Style both by David Potter. Photo The Celtic Star

Last remaining copies of Celtic in the Eighties – get your copy now before it’s too late! Here’s what you get…

Order Celtic in the Eighties from Celtic Star Books and we’ll automatically add Putting on the Style. Please note postage will only be charged on one book so there is no cost to you at all for the Willie Fernie biography.

These two books combined will make a brilliant Christmas present!

Danny McGrain signing copies of Celtic in the Eighties by David Potter. Photo: Celtic Star Books

Celtic in the Eighties by David Potter. Out now on Celtic Star Books. Order at celticstarbooks.com

Willie Fernie – Putting on the Style. Available at celticstarbooks.com

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